I am my own worst enemy

I am alone and scared. I am dog sitting at my cousins house here in the city. I am from the country. I don't like it here all alone.

I am kind of bored but mostly depressed. I am unemployed and broke. I can't do anything outside of the house and have no desire to anything more than staying inside or sleeping.

My main problem is I feel myself slipping. I get anxious b/c I see what I am doing and know what it usually leads to with me.

I think of ways I could hurt myself (both temporarily and the end of me) I have no active wish to die, but still fantasize about it. Being here alone makes it that much worse. I have no real contact with people so no one cares what I am doing. I can do what I want with no one around to stop me or even know. This power excites me and scares me when I am feeling rational (like now)

I don't know how to protect myself from myself. I am my own worst enemy and I have the power to intimidate myself to do whatever harm I can plan.

Halliebeth, when I get to feeling scared in that way, I turn on the TV or put music on and/or read with a cup of soup or something. I've started doing a bit of going to the library recently and have found a few really good books that are helping me.

Do you keep a journal or anything? That helps me too sometimes, making lists and writing things out, coming up with 1 or 2 "simple" things I might want to do (like make this pumpking pudding recipe I have that only has 4 ingredients and only takes 15 minutes!) and then setting out to do it (buying the ingredients, etc.). Think I'll go do that now. I dedicate my pumpkin pudding to you :-) I'll let you know how it comes out.

thanks. i guess im just looking for someones opinion on whether ill be ok or not.

hope ur pudding is yummy

(((((((((( halliebeth )))))))))))))))
I am sorry that you are having a hard time. I can't answer if you will be okay or not, only you know exactly how you are feeling. Something that has helped me is to make a safety plan, for instance when I am feeling unsafe I go to bed, if that doesn't work then my plan is to call the crisis line and then go to the hospital if I am not any better. Just knowing what I would do in this situation seems to help calm me down, maybe it is something that you could try.

your plan sounds good. but, i know it wouldnt work for me.

i refuse to call the crisis line b/c quite a few times when i have they wanted to send people to check on me...they wanted me to go to a hospital. never again. i don't want to be taken away. i have escaped that many times by NOT calling line even when i needed to.

My kids BOTH have anxiety , depression, ocd - one is 15. She says running helps her escape her mind. She puts on her ipod and goes for a run several times a day (often at 5:30 am. ) She grabs her guitar as soon as she is in the door from school and writes songs. She is writing a story she has determined to get published and she loses herself in that. My son, age 21, lifts weights-he is in college and also a personal trainer. He says he would not get up if it were not for lifting weights. He sleeps LOTS. Both are on meds but determined to cope - I am amazed as I see them stress and turn toward their exercise. It positively effects the neurotransmitters. You could set some physical goals for yourself- a certain number of pushups, sit ups, jumping jacks, running up and down steps.... several times a day. In two weeks you should feel different (14 days without missing). I can do 4 pushups - see how many you can do. I can do no pull ups. Good luck. Put yourself first