Freaking fear. I disgust myself.

You know, as the name says, I just gotta vent. So that's my introduction. Needlessly to say, I'm not in the best mood.
My problem is that I just can't move on. For some reason, I can't. I had some problems 2 years ago. Yes, 2 years ago. It was semi serious but in the end I figured out it was really nothing and just a product of all kinds of circumstances. Anxiety, depression, all that...I was dealing with all that.
But see, people move on, get better. Not me somehow. I'm a hostage to my past, want to but for some reason can't let it go and it's so stupid.
I have grand plans for me, for a while I was working towards achieving them, I still am, I practice positive thinking, always want to think positive, I know all my fears and anxieties are idiotic, irrational and nothing really that has any basis in reality and so why don't I just do the right thing but always hide like a weasel and have the fear take the best of me? You know, I'm confident, some way, somehow, I"ll have my way. But why is it taking so long damnit. You know, I can feel in my day to day activities that it keeps me back. Time just flies. I do nothing. And time is of the most crucial essence to me. If I were doing anything productive, I'd be happy but instead all the stupid things happen because of fear, because I'm just too afraid to for example socialize with people and it's stupid. At least now I understand I have a lot to give to people and I'm great, charismatic and all that...but why then am I so ashamed of myself? I know one reason. Because currently I'm a work in progress, doing really nothing that stands out, is any good.....kinda think, people will think of me as a screwup even though I really am not. I'm very smart, talented and will amount to things.

But not..I repeat not, if the fear keeps getting the best of me. I declared war to fear, anxiety and all stupid things keeping me constantly back. They're completely irrational but somehow them bastards keep winning. It's because I constantly delay things, then when the time comes, I delay again, say to myself, it's okay I"ll do it, first this, then that..but the time never comes to actually go and do things. I say to myself, okay okay, baby steps, it takes time....but **** that, I know deep down I'm fooling myself. I know I'm delaying things because I dont' want to comfort them. But I actually do. And eventually I will. But when...damnit, why can't I just go for it? I suck so freaking much. And life is just passing me by. Day by day, minute at a time, I just keep wasting it. I know I'm wasting it. I know I want to change it. But it's like there's this something, this fear, anxiety, shame of myself, fear of getting to introduce myself to people, have fun, fear of being judged that always blocks me, always stops me. Worst than anything is not doing anything and it's exactly where I'm at. I hate it from the bottom of my heart. I want to be, I need to be proactive, assertive but never quite do it. And funny thing is I know..it's never easy at first. Just get it going and it"ll get easier..but eh... Tomorrow I guess. But I've saying that for so long. It's not coming along easily. One day when I succeed, I better not take it for granted. I know I"ll make it. But it's so frustrating. And hopefully this message makes me see how frustrating it was. Even though it's really nothing and completely irrational BS. And that's really why I disgust myself. Because I can really do it but my petty BS prevents me. I suck.

Oh well, if you're read all that, I apologize for wasting a minute or two of your life. Tomorrow damnit..tomorrow...just need to freaking do it and hold my ground, maintain it go. **** FEAR **** FEAR **** FEAR!!!! I'm tired of it.

Hi GV, you feel this way for some reasons and it will keep bothering you until you figure yourself out and work through it. You keep saying that it is irrational. No it isn't. While you were growing up you were taking things in from your environment and you developed thoughts in response to it and these things are still with you causing you feelings that make it difficult for you to function. Are you in therapy?

Were you pressured while growing up?

GTV, I could have written your post...of late I too have been in this place you are currently in...oh god did I so want someone to protect me, tell me the world is an ok place, inject me with some courage...then I re-read the line I have often seen, "courage isn't being without fear, courage is facing our fears"...unyet it feels so messy, I feel as if I should sit down with fear and have a very rational conversation, then dust myself down, wish fear farewell and off I trot, accept its not like that..but if you find someone you trust to sit and talk about these fears with them, with time, the intensity and the power of the fear will ease...

i am also in that spot,i want to get out there and be a happy, productive ,individual ,i cant figure out why i stay in my home and and just let eachday go by,it is a true fear of living?i dont know why ,but u are not alone at all.

Hello GottaVent, it's nice to meet you. Our fears are a response to something that either happened to us or something we were not provided during crucial times in our lives. I really think that you would benefit from some therapy, you can learn some coping skills to help you through this, your fears are not stupid, they aren't something that you can just turn off one day, trust me I am still working through mine. Gaining an understanding of what causes your fears could really be helpful and if you started therapy you could say you are taking positive steps forward in your life.

This is a very supportive place where you can find others in similar situations as you, I hope that you will take the time to check all the forums out I have found this place very helpful and I am glad that you have found us.

your not alone there, i can totally relate.

((((((( GottaVent )))))))Hello and welcome and I have to say I like your name!

The thing is you have to watch that you don't start beating yourself up about it though. You need to motivate yourself with the help of a therapist but without winding yourself up at the same time. Fear is difficult to deal with.

Hi,

Have you considered PTSD?

I too noticed some time ago, that I had difficulties letting go of family stuff, from my early 20's and what followed... while others let things go, seemingly to me, more easily.

I eventually got on top of it by addressing PTSD ... and since then, you might say, I have overcome this issue. I don't dwell in the past, at the losses and mistreatments any longer, unless there is a profit in it to do so, and as we all know, our histories are important to us, but they definitely do not control us nor define us.

If it's letting go you have an issue with, you might check out PTSD.
If you do not want to start therapy over this, and other issues, like anxiety, panic, what-have-you right away, there are good therapeutic tapes for sale by very qualified PhD's addressing how to positively change our thinking that also helps us shift our mind-set to overcome issues like clinging to the past.

It's always good to know what our past meant to us. Most of us have figured out if any damages were created that need to be addressed, although some people aren't aware for one reason or another, and need to explore their past for more information. .

Understanding our beginnings, one can leave it there if they choose - in the past - because we are going the other way, after all, and are now free to examine our daily responses to situations and people in our present life. That is staying on top of ourselves, which is what most of us prefer to do anyway, right?

Hope you figure out what it is you need to do for yourself to overcome your issue. It's worth working on ourselves, and since we are all individuals, our paths are different also.

Best to you...

Peace and Encouragement,
nightbird

Sounds all to familiar GV. I have to just keep reminding myself that things have to get better, they can't get a whole lot worse.

Good luck.