Need some CBT help please

Grrr....the master of guilt has struck again.

If I can offer some advice I would to say a few things. First off, CBT is about awareness, understanding and then implementation. I know that major life decisions are frightening to anyone. I would like to say that there is a very big chance that if your mortgage company is offering you a financial package that they will most likely approve you, but I don't think that your adjustment is the real issue of what. This if I may be so bold is from a profound self esteem issue and from what I can tell you are like 98% of other people in the world and making your way in the world. Almost all of us struggle with growing pains. It is sad that it seems your mother is critical of that, but you don't have to be. Missing a few payments happens to everyone. Negotiating with your creditors is applaudable. Many people don't have the honor to face up when they need help in regards to their debts. I am proud of you that it worries you so, because that shows you are accountable, a trait hard to teach. So the hard part is over right? Now all you have to do is gain confidence n who you are and your abilities. Tht comes two places. Trust in yourself, and to gain that you have to take educated and calculated risks. remeber when you first started swimming or riding a bike, who frightened you were? Well you are learning something new, life management skills. That's right learning, and with inexperience comes doubt. Don't beat yourself up over your mistakes. If you do then you will color future endeavors with fear and guilt. You need to keep a clear head to make healthy choices right? The other part is deciding how much you are going to let outside forces affect how you feel and behave. Don't let anyone have control over you. Your mothers negativity, whatever her motivations are, should not be a major influence in anything you do, no one should.
So in order to get the most out of CBT, you need to understand why what your mother says is so important to you. Do you need her approval? I don't mean to be critical of her, but if she is as hard to please as she sounds then her judgements don't carry a whole lot of wieght do they? A person that only see's dark is not a person I would seek guidance from. That being said my mother, in some peoples eyes, is a bitter and angry person, but you know I learned a long time ago my mother is lonely and hurt a good deal of the time and I don't hate her. I don't take what she says to heart, though I used to and it hurt me alot, but now I feel bad for her. I can only imagine how sad a life she has sometimes, so I put aside the hurt for myself and think about her loneliness. I protect my family from her, and have minimal contact between her and my family. I make sure that I am in control of the interactions. If my mother does or says something hurtful to my family we leave. Not out of anger but because it's what's best for my family. Because my family, specifically, my daughter and myself are important to her, she has curbed alot of her negative behavior. Don't do these things out of anger but out of better judgement. I call later and check in, let her knor, I am not angry and that I love her. And when I feel it's safe I go back. If this doesn't work then you may have to sever ties but I hope that would be a last resort. The things is you have to stop feeling attacked and put the focus on understanding how ill your MOTHER is. That's not your illness but your mother's, don't beat yourself up over it.
Stop, allowing you to feel what disappointment you think your mother may have in you about the past and what mistakes you may have made, because we all do. And lastly don't have such a bad image of who you are. You have a family you provide for, a job, a desire to do better and that is so much more then most have. Be proud of yourself, we are.

What's going on?

Ok, back to the first post on this thread--I submitted my papers to the mortgage company. I've been talking on the phone to this wonderful girl who is just so upbeat and helpful (thank God because I hate talking on the phone). She just called today and apparently I forgot to include how much I spend in automobile gas per month, so she needed to get that. I gave it to her and she said, "Ok, we'll get this over to processing and get your answer later in the week." A simple enough statement. A statement that is causing it to be hard for me to breathe and to think. And to breathe. Normal thoughts---"Why can't they just say yes or no? Something has to be wrong if it's going to take till later in the week. I'm not going to get it. I just sent in over 1700 dollars, had my hopes up and I'm not going to get it. Nothing goes right," as I break down in tears. New thoughts (trying at least)--"Of course they have to process it, it's going to take till mid-week because I'm not the only client they have. Exactly what good will it do you to sit here and hyperventillate and stress and scratch your arms? NOT ONE BIT so STOP!".
Right?

Right, did it work?

It took a couple times, but it worked. It didn't go away forever, I was in the kitchen getting lunch and someone mentioned their mortgage and it set me off, but I did it again and it worked!

You go girl!

:d:d:d:d:d:d:d

Ok, back to my original issue on this thread--my mortgage. Guess what?
I just a notice today saying congratulations, the modification was accepted!! I am soooo happy. It's not where I would like it (the interest rate) but it's manageable and it's a FIXED rate!

Yeah! Congrats!

I know, I'm so happy. That's a big worry off me!!

YAY!

Speaks volumes to our inability to see the future. We always generalize about the worst possible things happening, when we don't have any real reason to believe that.

Rap.