[Rhiannonsmoon]

I appreciate the physical support I get from my partner, but everything else seems so simple, so cut & dried to him.

I am deep in a black depression with chronic anxiety, I also have agoraphobia. His idea is to just "go to a treatment facility".

I feel like screaming when I hear it. We are in the middle of packing up and moving to another state, everything is so untidy I cringe just thinking about it and when I see it I want to set fire to it just to get rid of the mess (of course I won't).

I feel as if an executioner has put a black sack over my head, and I just cannot see where I am going or what I am supposed to do.

I see and feel no future, and going to a treatment facility isn't going to help me. I am just as afraid of being locked in somewhere as I am afraid of going outside...

I just want it to end

[Berries]

I'm so sorry you feel so awful. I can hear your anger, pain and frustration.
Being locked up is never the answer. If that's how you feel about a treatment facility then it is not the answer.
But, there are other alternatives.
Starting with one step down from a hospital—there is such a thinh called “day hospital” or “partial day hospital”. You just go there for the day and go home in the evening. Many mental health facilities have them in the states. They have activities and group therapy, private therapy...
Or, do you could just see a therapist once or twice a week?
Do you have a T?
Meds might help too. Are you on meds? Are they working? Maybe different meds might in order?
ALSO--Moving is one of the worst stressors there is! It is so difficult--every aspect of it. Packing, the mess, all the thousand details, the actual move, the unpacking, the settling in, the new places, learning your way around, the new people... It's enough to make even the healthiest people crazy!!!
Hang in there!

[madisgram]

hi rhia, and welcome to pc !! so glad you found us. you and i have a lot in common with our diagnoses. have you gotten involved with a psychiatrist for meds?
once you move i'd encourage you to do this cause you don't have to feel this way. meds help me so much. also a therapist is helpful. it allows you to vent and also learn tools of how to cope better. many people use this route and never have to be hospitalitized.
moving....well i'm doing that now too. if i wasn't on meds i can tell you right now i would feel totally overwhelmed. what i'm doing to help myself is taking it a day at a time allowing myself to "ignore" the total chaos around me. hard to do but so far it's working. moving for anyone is traumatic no matter how 'healthy' they are! try not to beat up on yourself..be kind to yourself as you would to a friend going thru the same thing. hard to do cause we are so down sometimes on ourselves but do make an effort. a long soak in the tub every evening can be soothing and helps us relax. you can do this even with the packing and later unpacking, etc. at the end of each day.
the depression you are experiencing is why you see "no future". it clouds our perception of what is real. it "tells" us non-truths. since you are in the midst of moving just try to get by and once you move you can focus on getting this "fixed".
talking about it here will release some of the stuffed feelings so post as often as needed!! we care about how you are doing.

[Sannah]

Hi Rhia, yeah, messes are hard to deal with when you have anxiety. With anxiety you feel that everything has to be in place for everything to be alright. I worked my way through this. Now I realize that everything is alright because everything is alright. It's not alright because everything is in place. Yes, we acquired this anxiety from not feeling secure while growing up and acquired the beliefs that environmental tidiness will bring psychological peace. Continuing to believe this and depending on it stops the search for real peace which comes from working through issues and the past that is tied to them.

Actually having a partner who is stable and not anxious is your lifeline. My husband kept being the nonanxious rock for me which helped me immensely to move beyond my anxiety. If you had an anxious partner you would spiral each other to bad places. The only people who can understand this are anxious or previously anxious people. We'll understand you!

Moving is unnerving when you are anxious. I made a big move 14 years ago and it was what really helped me to get better (it shook things up so that I could really see myself better and make changes).