How Do I Deal With This Situation

As mentioned before, I have trust issues that have developed from a previous unfaithful marriage spouse. It has created problems in this marraige because of my constant suspicions. Recently it was compounded by the insecure feelings regarding a new friend of my wifes which happens to be female.

My wife does not let me read any emails or text messages anymore. She deletes every text immeadiatly following reading it--that is a new habit for her which doesn't help my suspicions.

Yesteday, I caught just a bit of one. It said something about going to the beach. I thought--she is making plans to go on a trip with this friend and has made no mention of it to me. You can imagine what went through my mind. Come to find out, they were talking about getting the kids together to go to a water park and her friend mentioned the beach would be better. But my emotions went crazy--how do I overcome these crazy ideas? Not looking is worse for me--then I conjure up crazier ideas.

Just let me know what your talking about and I can rest easy. But that isn't in her plan. And I think she hides the stuff from me trying to make me better or teach me a lesson--it isn't working for me.

Has that type of forced therapy worked for anyone else?

to be honest, mr. mike, i dont' believe that is what your wife is doing. it's your insecurities that manifest these thoughts, jme. i don't recall, do u have a T?
here's what i learned in therapy:
feelings are not facts. it sounds like you have some "old tapes" running in the background that are interfering with you enjoying your wife or trusting her. i believe if you discuss this in therapy you can replace those old tapes with true ones... i responded to "ihateit" with a similar response. therapy can aide you in seeing which beliefs on a feeling level you have that aren't true. once you can see the "old tape", sitting all by itself. you can realize it's false. then with new coping skills you can replace these false beliefs with real ones about youself and the relationships you have. i hope this helps you. keep us posted on how you are, k? we do care about u and you do matter to us.

(((((((((((( Mr.Mike ))))))))))))))

I agree with Madisgram, I really think you need to examine your own feelings, these kind of insecurities feed themselves and grow until they effect every part of our lives.

Hehe, hey Mr.Mike!

Yup, well, there ya go lol. You read and posted on mine, my turn. Mad is really good, and right. I also think I used that analogy on one of your other posts? Maybe not, but I know I did for someone.

Last night I had a really quick talk with my wife, as to not push her away, and I have vowed to myself to try my best, because I know intellectually there is no reason to not trust her, but as Mad said, my feelings take over and I can't think of anything else, running those old tapes.

I am going to just let things go, to dwell on the truth...nothing is going on. Not for long though, just let myself know everything is ok, because ya know it is. Then move on to other stuff I need to take care of, turn on the radio and sing along, watch TV (has to be a good show I reall like), do work...things that totally distract you. Over time, except for my little slip up yesterday, this seems to be working. And, don't beat yourself up like I did when you do slip, we're human and we will make mistakes.

I think you need to communicate to your wife like this...this is jme tho...

Ok, look, it's not you, I know you have not ever given me any reason to not trust you. I don't need to see your email, or your text messages, or know everything your doing at all times. But understand that I have a disorder, and I will need your help. I love you, but I am human and I have a problem, I am working on it, but it will take time, and effort, on both our parts, but it will get better.

Stop the questions...bite your tongue, I'll do it with you. If I were close to you I'd come over and we could go golfing or play some bball heh...but, let's do this...for our sanity, and our marriages!

Keep us in the loop!

GL and God bless!

Thanks Man! It is getting better, and I am trying everyday to control my thoughts and my words. Many years ago I learned how to discuss situations without yelling. She still has not developed that skill. Part of it is she is tired of dealing with the questions, part she is strong willed and opinionated.

I mentioned before she has this new girlfriend that is taking alot of her time. I am sure the friend is filling a void and creating a distraction during this difficult time for us. But I can't help but be bothered by her continued and constant association with this friend. She works with her, plays basketball with her, and they talk or text each other for hours everyday. I feel she spends more time with her friend than she does working on our relationship. But as I said, I am sure it's replacing the chaos we have been dealing with lately.

We see a my T together tomorrow and hopefully she will give us some tools and open our eyes to what is really needed to get back to a healthy marriage. It will be great to have a professional give us some good direction and should also help my wife understand me better.

I am getting better, but I still struggle when the situation presents an un-easy feeling.

Thanks for listening friends. And thanks for your help.