[Bergie]

Hi, I'm a first-timer here, but I was diagnosed with adhd last fall.

Since finding out about myself, I've done extensive and fairly rigorous reading, and am actually doing a project on adhd already.

I have gazillions of questions, but I'd like to start with this: How do I approach my sister about her nine-year-old daughter, both of whom I'm certain have adhd? (My sis has already taken a couple of the online self-tests I sent her, and agrees she's prob'ly adhd.)

My mom is even more adhd than I am, and has been learning about the disorder vicariously through my diagnosis, treatment and research. But my sis very much does not want to have anything to do with the idea that her daughter is adhd -- though I suspect the disorder (along with her "giftedness") is at the heart of the girl's severely limited socialization and her increasing ostracism at school, as well as her problematic behavior at home. My sis was one of those kids who was tormented while in school, and ended up acting out in seriously inappropriate ways (not quite Columbine-level violence, but not all that far from that either). Sis has never been ambitious in terms of self-reflection or self-help, and I'm afraid that because she hasn't truly learned from her experience, her daughter will be doomed to repeat it.

What can I do? Please give me concrete suggestions.

I'm aware that "butting in" and being "bossy" is part of my adhd-ness, but how much butting in is too much?

Thanks!

[JustBen]

You said, "But my sis very much does not want to have anything to do with the idea that her daughter is adhd..." This makes me think that someone has already brought it up with her? Was it you, or someone else?

[Bergie]

Actually, my husband first broached the subject nearly 3 years ago; his son has adhd, and was diagnosed in 1997 when he was 10 -- so my husband knew something about the disorder long before anyone in my family did. When he mentioned that my niece exhibited more than a few adhd behaviors a few years ago, I started looking into that possibility then -- but it didn't go any further than a mere suggestion to Sis.

But after I was diagnosed last fall, I talked a heckuva lot to my mom about the disorder and what I was learning -- and then I started to bring it up vis-a-vis my niece. (My mom looks after my niece several times a week, and she's just feeling like she's at the end of her rope all the time.)

About a month ago, I finally took a stab at talking to Sis about it -- after I felt comfortably knowledgeable about it as well as confident that I could alleviate her fears and misgivings. She really resisted at first, arguing with me that her daughter "isn't hyperactive" and that her grades are not bad and so don't warrant intervention.

But I gently pressed her about her daughter's continued social troubles, about the nagging immaturities she has compared to other kids her age in terms of daily routines and expectations, etc. I stressed that Niece's "symptoms" don't seem nearly as severe as some case studies I've read or the typical stories we hear of adhd kids in the media -- but that didn't mean she wasn't struggling or that it wouldn't get worse without treatment.

Seemed like she calmed down the more I explained that being diagnosed with adhd doesn't mean her kid is retarded or even less intelligent.

At the same time, however, my guess is that she won't do anything about it. When teachers have complained about Niece's behavior in the past, Sis chalks it up to "bad teacher." When my mom has tried to reason with Sis about Niece's behavior, Sis chalks it up to Mom always having unrealistic expectations. Her favorite excuse throughout Niece's life has been, "But she's only (fill in the blank with age) years old!" So my mom feels guilty because she then thinks she's demanding too much of Niece, and the whole cycle starts again. Ugh.

Practically speaking, my sis is a single mother who commutes nearly two and a half hours to and from work everyday. And because her adhd (undiagnosed) as well as the emotional issues from her past that she's never quite come to terms with, she tends to get home at night and on weekends and just stay there. Almost no social life, doesn't feel obligated to involve Niece in extracurricular activities or social stuff. She has MS (not debilitating yet) and migraines and is rather obese and stubbornly sedentary. All of this adds up in such a way that she'll never find time to take Niece to a qualified professional for testing or diagnosis! This drives me crazy!

She gave me excuses like "the insurance won't pay for it" or "I don't have time" -- to which I said I'd pay for it, and my mom would happily take her to a reputable therapist. She just finds other excuses. In the meantime, life is getting more difficult and out of control for Niece.

I love my sis, and she and I have always been extraordinarily close and the best of friends. I don't like making her feel bad/guilty about this. I'm not interested in making her Exhibit A for bad parenting. What I'm concerned about is giving Niece the best possible chance to succeed in school and in life.

I don't press my sister to go get tested herself -- because it's her life and it's her choice. She has some vague sense that adhd (or something) has made things more difficult for her/us compared to many others with our intelligence and talents. But she's got a solid job and a house and a good family and a couple friends -- and as far as she's concerned, why question that? Fair enough.

But this doesn't extend to Niece as far as I can see. Must she too live through the sort of pain and frustration and confusion for years and years -- when she doesn't need to? The sort of trouble and struggle that's happening now strikes me as needless. But I don't know what to do.

[Mystry]

Do nothing else...say nothing else...just be there when the .... hits the fan, other wise you may find yourself without either sis nor her daughter...if this sounds harsh think how harsh it would be alienated from your fam damily...you've planted the seed now watch to see if it grows...maybe accidentily leave a pamphlet or two laying around...subtlty can be an eye opener...I apologize if I hurt you but in my opinion if you keep bombarding your sis with this she may react the wrong way...you sound like a caring and concerned sister...I too tried to explain to my sister that her kids were on the wrong path and we haven't spoken for a long time...it's hard when you care alot about a person whom you know is in need and you want to help but you can only do so much...let your sister know that you love her and will always be there for her and her daughter...in my opinion that's all you can do...

[Bergie]

Yes, I had thought about this -- which is exactly why I posted the question to this forum. Thanks for your willingness to be frank.

It doesn't hurt to know that I need to step back into the background now -- mostly it's disappointing that my niece will likely suffer painful lessons that could have been helped fairly easily.

To be honest, my own ADD makes it so hard to keep my big mouth shut! Maybe my meds should be accompanied by a month-long trial of duct tape!

Thanks for your honesty.