[SilverNeurotic]

My husband has a dual diagnosis of ADD and Bipolar disorder. The bipolar, for the most part is under control (some depression, but manageable) but the ADD, even with medication and regular visits with a social worker and a psych doc through the VA seems to reaching an unmanageable level. At least on my end.

The three things that I've noticed as trouble areas are 1. hyper focusing on video games 2. lack of focus on house work and 3. employment

The biggest issue is the computer. He will literally spend entire days in front of the computer either playing games or chatting with friends. I honestly do not mind him spending some time on the computer but lately it's ridiculous. If he's not on the computer, he's reading stuff on his iPhone. Then he kind of puts me on a spot when I call him out on it....

This in turn makes him unable to focus on doing housework. I work full time and I work very long hours (40 hours in the space of 3 days). As my husband does not work currently (he was laid off) he promised to keep up with the housework...which he does not do. He has also made almost no effort to find a job as he's convinced he'll be unable to focus...BUT he also refuses to find out if his ADD is severe enough to be eligible for disability.

I know that no one will be able to fix the problem, but hopefully someone on here can relate to what I'm going through.

[Miswimmy1]

I can not exactly relate to what you are going through, but as someone with ADD/ADHD myself, I can imagine what it must be like- for him and for you on the other end.

I think the biggest thing that needs to happen between you is to make communication clear. Dealing with ADD requires effort from everyone- he needs to understand that ADD is affecting him, and be motivated to do something about it. I know, easier said than done. But it sounds to me like he would rather just avoid the things at hand and sort of pretend they aren't there. I do that myself. and it's something that I know that I need to work on. For people who had ADD, many times, there is the inability to realistically relate the actions and the consequences. Like for instance, he may not fully be thinking of what it might mean financially if he doesn't either help keep things in order at home, or get a job. In his mind, he hears you mention it, and perceives it as nagging because its something that he's probably heard more than once. Because you say it more than once and nothing gets done, you get frustrated. He sees your frustrated and then acts in frustration back. And nothing gets done and you both end up exasperated.

I think the best advice I can give you is to try and communicate and be understanding. And if that doesn't work, then get someone to help you- either an ADHD coach, a marriage counselor, a therapist, etc. It might help to have someone holding him accountable that isn't you, as that will just cause strife. And then just try and be understanding. ADHD is a disorder. It can be managed but it can't really go away. Learning to manage it takes time and effort and practice.

[yellowfrog268]

Is this the first time something like this has happened or has he had other obsessions that caused problems in other areas of his life? I'm wondering if a talk with the pdoc about your concerns might be in order. It sounds a lot like an addiction.

[-jimi-]

There is something about ADD, screens and hyperfocus. Some people with ADD can't stick to a task unless they use a lot of effort. It's simply not enjoyable having to try to do something that you cannot focus on.

But screens... talk about magic. My old best friend and my best friend now, both have ADHD. They can see a screen, TV, Iphone and they are just hooked. I thought, howcome they can't LISTEN to what I say the way they can focus on the screen? But they simply cannot. I had to accept it.

When they are hooked to a screen 3rd world war could happen without them knowing.

The obsession with the computer could be that it is EASY. It takes no effort. Then it becomes enjoyable. I understand the issue if your with someone, then both have to adapt. But working with it, remember you are restricting a world in which he can live with ease and you replace it with what is difficult. Even if it has to be done, you both must understand why it is hard.

Good luck.

[LacunaCoiler]

My girlfriend and I are going through this exact same scenario daily with the exception of me having a job. Once I finally get home from working ridiculously long hours all I want to do is park myself in front of my computer or TV playing video games into the wee hours of the morning. I am so hyper focused on the games that I won’t eat, sleep, drink, or do anything else other then play video games.

When me and my girlfriend finally hashed everything out about why I don’t help around the house I told her I’m too overwhelmed when I’m told something as vague as clean the house. Or clean this room. Or do the laundry. It’s too much to concentrate on, I end up getting overwhelmed and shut down not doing anything but getting mad and lashing out at her out of frustration (the lashing out is more due to my bipolar than my ADHD). What I finally had to tell her was give me specific things to do. Instead of clean the living room; she tells me to pick up everything on the floor, dust the bookshelves and the TV, put away all of my gaming stuff, and vacuum. It accomplishes the same thing (the living room is clean in the end) but I have individual tasks that I can focus on instead of the whole room. If that makes sense.

It has been hard for her to adapt to since she’s like you’re an adult and should know how to do it, and I do. It’s not a matter of not knowing how to do it, it’s a matter of concentration.