Ok... So... Im addicted to adderall.

So Im pretty much positive the majority of my current anxiety, panic attacks, dissosiation & ocd is due to my Adderall addiction. 4 years ago I got a perscription to help me get through school while working full time & literally before I could even begin to worry about the possibility of addition or side effects it was too late & I was & still am 4 years later 100% physically dependent on this drug. If I dont take it in the morning I am literally on bed rest & incapable of accomplishing anything at all-even showering!!! & I just binge on junk food in bed all day-its disgusting! But when I do take it I have to force myself to eat, constantly cotton mouthed, Im up till 3am every single night just reading & reading about my mental health disorders. Adderall used to make me feel peppy, motivated, productive, energetic, social, outgoing & really just overall "on top of the world." In order to achieve that same "high" now I have to take 3X my dosage (30mg) which is above the "safe" prescribed amount so of course I resort to buying my friend's extras for hella expensive. I literally can never sit still without feeling "useless & unproductive" I panic about time going by too fast every day because I lose track of time cleaning & organizing the tiniest details that don't even matter! Adderall has ruined my life! My boyfriend hates how I am on adderall. I overthink EVERYTHING, he can't even stand to go grocery shopping with me because I'm so cracked out that I feel the need to check every single shelf of every single aisle & buy a million things I don't need & just blow off the actual neccessities. I pick my cuticles til they bleed-it keeps me up all night! I have new phobias like closing my eyes in the shower, going anywhere alone, driving. My pupils are constantly dialated & my fingers are always twitching. I honestly feel like a full blown tweaker!!! I HATE adderall! I hate what it does to me! & yet I can't stop taking it every morning!!! I feel so hopeless. I never thought I'd be an "addict" just the word freaks me out. Im also in denial because I honestly believe that there's no way I could ever function without this drug. I have an extremely addictive personality & it has gotten the best of me. Not only am I miserable but Im terrified what it's doing to my body. I know what I have to do, I just can't do it.
-Hopeless

Hi theres_always_hope

I am sorry to hear that you are addicted to adderal.

Yes, as with addictive medications, one does need to increase the dosage in order to experience the same effect, as you have discovered to be in your case.

Now you've gotten to the point where as much as you love it you hate it too.

I can understand this, I really do.

I am wondering what your doctor has to say about this?

Are there any alternatives?

It does sound like you're addicted to Adderall, and not just physically dependent, but emotionally addicted as well. It also sounds like you're well aware of this and know what you need to do.
You need to stop taking this med. How's your relationship with your psychiatrist? Is he/she someone you can come clean with? That would probably be best, then they could taper you off and treat any other issues that pop up as you come off of it.
Some people may disagree with this, but if you feel like you can't be honest with your psychiatrist, I would slowly taper myself off. You can safely come off of stimulants pretty quickly. The only side effects are transient sleepiness and mild depression. And they are transient. You just have to give it time. I would decrease from whatever dose you're on, it sounds like in 30 mg increments, by 30 mg every 3 days and then stop once you've been on 30 mg for 3 days. At least give yourself a couple days not taking it to see if you rebound after a couple days. I know you say you can't do anything if you don't take it, but you can, it's just going to be really hard at first, but it will get easier. You once lived without these meds. You can live without them once again. Good luck.

I also wanted to add, I think you're right, your OCD, panic attacks etc are probably at the very least exacerbated by the stimulants. I would think it very likely they improve quickly once you stop taking Adderall.