[flannel_pajamas]

I've been depressed for years. I though I just had depression and anxiety and insomnia. Well, my doctor asked me a few months ago if anybody had ever diagnosed me with ADHD because the way I was responding to antidepressants seemed similar to something he had seen in others with ADHD. I thought he was crazy because I'm in my early 30's, not "hyper" and had never once thought I could be ADHD. He mentioned it a couple other times and I just said, "no...that can't be it".

Well, today, I took an ADHD test on Psych Central and scored in the "moderate" range. I read some articles about growing up with ADHD and about adult life with ADHD, and started laughing out loud because I felt like they were telling my story. I've always been an outwardly calm/laid back kind of individual, so never even considered it as a possibility. But, every other symptom reads like a check list for my life.

In particular, this article convinced me and seems to blatantly obvious, that I have no idea how I could've never known about this until now: ADDvance - Does your Gifted Child have ADD (ADHD)?

I grew up as the classic underachiever. I scored in the 98 percentile nationwide on standardized tests, but struggled to get C's and D's sometimes. I won science fair ribbons, but refused to let my project advance to the state level. I won art awards and was offered art school scholarships and decided to do something else completely unrelated. I did well in classes where the teachers liked me and gave me the freedom to explore and break the rules. I did horribly in classes where I was required to follow directions. I would sometimes intentionally do a project or paper incorrectly knowing I was going to receive a worse grade simply because my way was more interesting than the way it was assigned.

I went to college on a full scholarship and received D's and F's and dropped out. I eventually finished after about 10 years and three different schools. I've never been successful at anything because I simply give up or move on to the next idea. I've been in and out of my parents' basement my whole life because I can never seem to stick with anything. If I have to follow somebody else's rules or play their game, I just don't play it. I often begin to become successful at something, then realize it's not as interesting as I thought it would be to become successful and just stop or intentionally sabotage myself.

I thought I had been severely depressed for the last 10+ years, but now I'm beginning to think I've been dealing with a non-hyper version of ADHD (I saw it referred to as AD/HD somewhere) my entire life. I wonder if that is the source of my depression.

I have a list of things I need to do today, but instead of been sidetracked by other things (such as diagnosing myself with ADHD and emailing my doctor and therapist about it).

I lose track of time constantly. Showers can take me 45 minutes (and I'm a guy...I think I just stand there washing my hair or something). I will go to a room and forget why I went there. I find coming up with ideas and lists of ways to accomplish the ideas way easier than actually sitting down and working on something.

I'm not constantly misplacing/losing things like an ADHD person is supposed to be doing, but I *am* constantly worried about the thought of it. I check that my wallet is in my pocket constantly. Double and triple check a bag I just packed to make sure I haven't forgotten something even though I already know I haven't.

In school, I always had trouble meeting deadlines. A lot of times, I'd turn in some project that was the best in the class (or grade level or district), yet get marked down for it because I turned it in on my own timeline rather than the one set by the teacher. I guess those were the instances of hyper-focus. I've called myself a perfectionist, but I think I was just so focused that I couldn't allow myself to turn it in until it was perfect.

I've always done everything at the last possible moment. Papers, studying, projects, paying bills, leaving the house, etc. It's almost like the only way I can get anything done is to know that there isn't another second left to spare.

I often stare at people trying to concentrate on what they are saying to me or telling me, but it's like my mind is elsewhere and I'm just nodding, but unable to follow. I blame it on my tiredness from insomnia.

At times, my focus can be totally distracted by a normal sound (car passing, bird chirping, etc). At other times, *nothing* can distract me...I know I'm about to be late or I know I should've slept three hours ago or I know something else is more important, but I can't possibly allow myself to let go of whatever I've been doing.

Anyway, I have a feeling I've been ADHD my whole life and am just now finding out about it. I'd love to discover that this is the case, because nothing seems to be fixing my depression (therapists, drugs, weight loss, exercise, etc). I actually don't feel sad and blue, but I do feel unable to even get out of the house or take a shower or brush my teeth half the time.

[marmaduke]

I've been depressed for years. I though I just had depression and anxiety and insomnia. Well, my doctor asked me a few months ago if anybody had ever diagnosed me with ADHD because the way I was responding to antidepressants seemed similar to something he had seen in others with ADHD

So, how did you respond to antidepressants?
I dont think someone with ADHD is usually depressed?

[Confusedinomicon]

I am pretty similar to this and would have described myself as having a low-grade depression that never lifted. I also have chronic anxiety that has gotten better with stimulant use, weirdly enough. I feel calmer and able to apply myself without panicking.

I started taking meds about 2 months ago and I was actually able to remember bills and my psych appointment. My psychiatrist actually got pissed off at me because I missed 6 months worth of appointments (avoided him for 3 months) and kept calling him a week after my appointment because of loss of time. I got lectured a few times about being responsible, whatever. I finally asked him about having ADHD and he told me that I have classic symptoms of someone whose inattentive and he suspected it.

But he still asks me how I graduated college. I had a lot of friends who helped, otherwise I would have dropped out. LOL.

[alwaysin6thgear]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

I am pretty similar to this and would have described myself as having a low-grade depression that never lifted. I also have chronic anxiety that has gotten better with stimulant use, weirdly enough. I feel calmer and able to apply myself without panicking.

I started taking meds about 2 months ago and I was actually able to remember bills and my psych appointment. My psychiatrist actually got pissed off at me because I missed 6 months worth of appointments (avoided him for 3 months) and kept calling him a week after my appointment because of loss of time. I got lectured a few times about being responsible, whatever. I finally asked him about having ADHD and he told me that I have classic symptoms of someone whose inattentive and he suspected it.

But he still asks me how I graduated college. I had a lot of friends who helped, otherwise I would have dropped out. LOL.

From your description you have all the symptoms of ADD. Everyone is different so no one person has the same ADD symptoms. Although hyperactivity is the top symptom especially in younger kids not everyone is hyper. The comment from above is way off and very inaccurate. There IS a connection with ADHD and Depression. Clinical depression and ADHD is the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain, they are also two different issues. However, having ADD/ADHD can result in becoming depressed, which is different from clinical depression. The difficulties and frustrations that come with suffering with ADD does cause one to become depressed, especially in adults who have suffered a lifetime of struggles and failures and were not diagnosed until later in life, like me. I grew up in a time when little was known about ADD and very few medical professionals were educated on the subject. In my day you were called stupid, lazy, unmotivated, disrespectful and the list goes on. You got a 4 year college scholarship which tells me you did pretty well in high school, ADD people are not stupid, in fact ADD people have higher IQ's than most we just have a different way of thinking and doing things. We process information differently but we also become extremely bored very quickly. College is different, in High School you have parents hanging over your shoulder, many people with ADD do well in school others don't, and the ones that don't has nothing to do with intelligence or laziness. When you got to college, your on your own, the atmosphere is different, I work at a college and I see it all the time how kids get caught up living the college life and their grades end up the total opposite of what they got in high school. Also colleges don't put the attention on students academic success as teachers (most) do in high school. In college it's pretty much "this is how it's done, learn it and that's it, in college your just a number, you don't get it then it's your problem to seek out help. Many of your issues may have been a result of your ADD going un-diagnosed and the difficulties you had in college.
It appears you have a therapist that has knowledge and experience with ADD so I hope you stick with him. The depression medication wasn't working because ADD was the real issue and since the ADD meds seem to be successful so far and once you see some improvements in your behavior and quality of life you may not feel as depressed. Some depression medication is sometimes used to treat ADD, like Wellbutrin, when given with something like Ritalin, which I have taken in the past, people have shown to be more focused with less anxiety and more optimistic. If you are on facebook there are several "feeds' about ADD and you can get some valuable information and read input from other people that are going through the same struggles and frustrations. You have a good doctor (keep those appointments) and with that and educating yourself your quality of life will improve quite a bit, it won't be easy but with knowledge and support you will make improvements.

[alwaysin6thgear]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

I've been depressed for years. I though I just had depression and anxiety and insomnia. Well, my doctor asked me a few months ago if anybody had ever diagnosed me with ADHD because the way I was responding to antidepressants seemed similar to something he had seen in others with ADHD

So, how did you respond to antidepressants?
I dont think someone with ADHD is usually depressed?

And where did you find that totally false and nonfactual information?

[flannel_pajamas]

Thanks for the responses. I'll talk to my doctor and therapist this week or next and get their thoughts, but I've spent a lot of time reading about the inattentive version of ADHD over the last couple days and it seems to fit me like a glove. It sure would be nice to find out that there's a medication that could help make things a little easier.

[marmaduke]

Originally Posted by alwaysin6thgear

And where did you find that totally false and nonfactual information?

Never said it was a fact, it was question. Thats why I put a *question mark* there.

[flannel_pajamas]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

Never said it was a fact, it was question. Thats why I put a *question mark* there.

From what I've been reading, it sounds like depression is *more* common with ADHD than among the non-ADHD population, but not positive. It's just what I've been seeing as I've been researching this stuff the last few days.

[flannel_pajamas]

Well, my doctor wrote me a script for Vyvanse and basically said, "try this for a month and we'll see if you're feeling any better on it and go from there". Just took it for the first time a little while ago...not really sure what to expect. A little worried that it might make me act crazy or weird or that I'll end up realizing I don't need it, but end up addicted to the feeling.

But, excited to see if this ends up making life a little less impossible feeling.

[NoId]

My insurance only covers one pill of that Vyvanse. Dextroamphetamine is a titration medication. Meaning you would take small pills and stack smaller doses on top.

Transgender therapy requires the same titration method of estrogen pills. Same number of pills actually. The half life is shorter so the initial dose is not as large, proportionally. There is also more of a need for nocturnal doses.

The other pills don't require titration at all. Just one or two sometime during the day. Usually in the morning.

Progesterone has to be time released. It is not as important to maintain a steady dose as the estrogen so it can be used topically.

If you are following my logic here... the one pill a day will make you a ***** before noon, give you menopause in the evening and you'll wake up like a man in women's underwear in the morning. Weird and crazy. Crazy and weird. What's the emergency?

Originally Posted by flannel_pajamas

From what I've been reading, it sounds like depression is *more* common with ADHD than among the non-ADHD population, but not positive. It's just what I've been seeing as I've been researching this stuff the last few days.

I don't think there is a correlation between the two. It's not impossible to have depression. You could be prescribed ADHD medication for depression. It's not a common practice, at least for first line treatment. The thought of time "time release" becoming an overriding virtue of medicine is depressing. It does boil down to consideration of the accepted literature. Without that you aren't being treated accordingly.

It's kind of like what the pill does to you or what you are doing with the pills. The taking of the medication is an active participation. You can become dependent on/addicted to anything otherwise. (which may not be a bad thing)

[flannel_pajamas]

Originally Posted by flannel_pajamas

Well, my doctor wrote me a script for Vyvanse and basically said, "try this for a month and we'll see if you're feeling any better on it and go from there". Just took it for the first time a little while ago...not really sure what to expect. A little worried that it might make me act crazy or weird or that I'll end up realizing I don't need it, but end up addicted to the feeling.

But, excited to see if this ends up making life a little less impossible feeling.

Well. I'm on day three and I've actually felt good. Or, as I described it to my doctor, "I've felt human the last few days for the first time in 20 years". I'm actually talking to people and holding conversations rather than just mumbling a few words. I'm doing one thing at a time and focusing on it. I was listening to my therapist talk yesterday and I could actually pay attention to her rather than just sort of floating around in a haze, and I was still actively engaged with her by the end of the session whereas I'm usually feeling barely there. I didn't feel ready to fall asleep for the evening at 4pm like usual. Suddenly, everything seemed okay in life because I felt like I wasn't just existing in a fuzzy blur where every single task, no matter how small, seemed impossible.

I really don't think it was a euphoria or a high or anything like that. I think I just finally felt like a person again. Like I could do something other than just continue living in my parents' basement where I always end up living again after I fail at existing in the real world. I feel like if I felt the way I do today, I could go back to school and have a life and not feel like a pathetic loser every day of my life anymore.

But, I saw my doctor today, and he told me to stop taking it because my heart rate was way too elevated by it.

I was just like, "Seriously? You want to take away the *one* thing that has made me feel like a human being who can exist in the real world after only three days?".

So, I guess tomorrow I'm back to feeling like everybody else in the world is capable of running a marathon every day just because they are able to keep a job and have friends and a life and run errands and exercise. Meanwhile, I'll go back to failing at even being able to manage one of those things.

Ugh. Well, it was nice not feeling worthless for three days.

[NoId]

Go see another doctor. You got to pick yourself up by your bootstraps.

But your doctor is teaching you a good lesson. You have ADD and now you are on medication and your world is going good. Soon you will have things in order.

But what are you going to do when you find out that the rest of the world is not perfect like you? What are you going to do to be in this world while you are out of this world?

If you are depending on one person or the whole country. See you won't be so clever like you were before. Maybe you gave that up years ago anyways. If you keep your bearings then things should work out your way. Don't forget that medication is treating an illness.

These are two things you really need to buckle down. You have to secure your ability to continue functioning. You have to control your illness when you aren't. It is very important and could not repeat this enough.

Furthermore if you have a serious condition that the medication is treating, it adjusts an imbalance in your body. It takes a couple of weeks maybe two months. That could mean you will be taking more medication. The medication will plug the hole. When that happens the brain will no longer attempt to activate that part of the brain with a flood of neurotransmitters. The lack of that flood will adjust the neurotransmitters all over the body. The adjustment is the reason for the more intense feeling initially. If you don't plug the hole entirely your brain will leak. It is sickening. It's debilitating even though you are able to function better than you were before.

Eventually you will "feel" like you are not on any medication at all. You might need to take more. There is a balance that you have to find. It could at the 300mg mark. JK.

Disabuse yourself of all of the lies and preconceptions. There is nothing worse than getting stuck in the s-hole. Don't blame me I told you so.

If the world ever gets straightened out you can have the opportunity to smile and really express yourself. The medication is only ricing for a couple of weeks. If the head leaks you have no fun and you are sort of a sinking ship.

Just yesterday I got my baby niece to say thank you and she really meant it. She started putting the legos down prodigiously without frustration. I was able to get her to be careful -- quite careful and not rough. More self conscious and aware. And again she did it with passion.

It's difficult when you have only just a little time with the medication. Crack lasts longer than my good time. I even responded to my mother in elated inward humor.