Adhd created my low self esteem

I've always hated myself because of my ADHD I felt like a retard. I thought I wasn't good enough for anyone because I behaved differently I was strange I had to learn communication skills the hard way. I also thought to myself what honest nice man would want a sack of **** like me who doesn't even pick up after herself. Who where ever she goes she has to have people hounding her to do things. Who stares at a wall, who is too mentally retarded to even have a job. Then I sit there wanting to kill myself because I am the cause of someone's extra job. My mother being my career. I feel anger at myself but it doesn't matter how angry I get I will always be trapped in this retardedness. Then I feel sorry for myself for having it and I am like oh poor me because I can not see any end in sight for the hell this illness is. To all the people who don't believe in this illness you have no idea and I hope you never do. Coz it is hell and honestly I feel like if I have to be reminded and yelled at 10 times because my retarded brain can't concentrate maybe I should ****ing kill myself because I am a sack of **** that's making others lives harder. Like I am suffering and everyone else that lives with me, meets me. Has to suffer with my pain too and I can't see it anymore and I wanna cry because I hate that others suffer because of me. So yeah adhd **** you and all you've taken from me because you've taken my will to live. I may not want to but I have to just to show myself that just because I am broken doesn't mean I am not worthy of being fixed. So for all who stuck with me thank you. Thank you for giving me the extra strength to get through each day.

I certainly can relate to your anger and frustration with having ADD and the problems it causes. What you don't mention is your age and if you are treating your ADD in any way. I'm 53 now, diagnosed at 38, I grew up in a time when little was known about ADHD so I went through all the name calling, bullying, basically treated like a "retard". Although that word is now offensive for many good reasons, back in my day anyone who was different or acted different, someone with severe emotional disabilities or neurological
disabilities were always called a "retard". Although getting diagnosed at 38 was a big weight off my shoulders, finally had an answer to many, many questions it didn't end the treatment and judgement from family and people I grew up around. I always knew that I did things differently from the majority of people around me, most of the time it was better, but I wasn't easily brainwashed like they were so my way of doing things got a different reaction from most people. I learned I processed information much differently that people didn't understand because it wasn't like them. I can tell you that my self esteem was decimated, I was called every name in the book, stupid, lazy, selfish, rude, disrespectful the list is endless. I was told I would never succeed, never amount to anything, nobody would want me. I was always blamed for something, criticized, talked at, talked down to. I grew up never having anyone in my corner, someone to stand up for me since I wasn't allowed to stand up for myself. I was bullied mercilessly all my life right up to and through high school. I grew to become a very tall and thin teenager which made me even more of a target, always fighting off football & hockey players, I would get a double dose when returning home from my drunk father because I didn't turn the other cheek. I never was taught to stand up for myself, don't let people walk all over you. My parents taught me the exact opposite. Basically my life was a living hell, suicide was a daily thought, still is today. Although I was finally diagnosed the damage that was a result of going undiagnosed was already done. I started taking medication which made a big difference, I always think that if they had the knowledge about ADD that they have now and medication was available to me how much different my life would have turned out. I did have one person in my corner growing up, my grandmother, I was told that she thought that I had special qualities that other people didn't have and sensed I was a lot more intelligent than I was given credit for, she always had faith inn me, she was the only one. But all her opinions were ignored by my parents. My mother was the one who told me this. She had always felt guilty at how I was treated but she never really changed her treatment of me. I never found success, I always had a job but never the confidence or self esteem to get to a higher level. Even today I still get bullied but in a different way. The tall skinny kid changed to a tall, athletic intimidating looking adult. But my very calm, easy going demeanor makes me an even bigger target to the insecure, narcissistic jackass. I've been told by co-workers in the past that my work ethic, habits, personality is a threat to certain people, I make them look bad and as a result they become confrontational and when I don't back down or I stand up to them they complain to higher ups that they feel threatened. I have quit jobs because I did a better job than many co workers, the bosses recognized and noticed it, showed it in my reviews but thats it. What they noticed more was the ones that didn't pull their weight, come into their office complaining that I didn't basically bend over and kiss their @$$. I pretty much had bosses who lacked the intelligence to see what was really going on.
What I have done over the last few years is begin cutting people out of my life, that includes family. I have no need for anyone who says ADD doesn't exist, family included. I have cut ties with a sibling for this very reason, his kid has it and it kills me to watch this kid go down a path of failure, he is going to end up like me and he doesn't have to. I give my parents a little leeway as knowledge of ADD was little to none when I was a kid. There is no excuse for parents to day.
I think of suicide every day, although I feel better due to the medication, I still never found the success, both career and financial, that other my age have found. I have learned the positives of my ADD, my thought process is my best asset. I don't listen to what everyone says, especially when it comes to politics and religion. I am a realist, I need to know all the facts, I look at both sides, the whole picture. Nothing is black and white to me and that I believe is a result of my ADD, I'm not a puppet. When I was told I never listen, it wasn't because I wasn't listening it's that I didn't believe what you were telling me, I don't trust you. It's this type of thinking that turned me away from religion, became an independent voter instead of being affiliated with a particular party where everyone has to think the same and agree with what they stand for.
You may not be in a career that fits your ADD traits, your bored, your dealing with people who are normal, puppets. I consider being called normal an insult, the last thing I want to be is like everyone else.

If I had known about my ADD 30 years ago my life would have been much different. I succeed much better when I'm alone, I am happiest when I'm alone. I stopped going to family functions, it sucks not having family around but it sucks more when they are around and you get treated like crap.

If you could I would like to know what you are doing to treat your ADD.