[littlep]

Hello to All,

I have been diagnosed with depression for the last 12 years and it has been a battle. Then three years ago I was diagnosed with ADD and GAD. I was put on Effexor and Adderall life was great needed little sleep (compared to the 12 hours before) able to complete tasks (novelty to me) etc. Then I was taken off because all those good things were considered to be hypomanic and I was diagnosed as BP II. Life sucked again as I was put on mood stabilizers and has sucked since.
Anyway, I have this huge issue that is eating me up and causing me daily pain. I have a natural reaction to reject anything that people say to me, I am always the devils advocate. I am left winged, just left of center and fight to be who want to be. What happens internally I fight to be myself or to conform and since I can not think it through in my head my emotions show on my sleeve. I am uncomfortable around others because I think everybody is better than me and that I can't do anything right. I am told by my psychiatrist I am fighting the system by rejecting others ( it has caused me to lose many friends, family and possibly my husband). I get extremely frustrated, agitated, irritable and quick to jump on people. The reason I lose them is because I ask for their advice and then don't use it and they get sick of hearing my the same things over and over that are bothering me. Deep down I know that I am a loving, effictionate and caring person who just wants to be with others. For some reason this person is stiffeld (sp?) inside of me which causes me daily pain. I act like I child due to my minimal coping skills, I hide from confrontation and many other issues I just don't address. My conversation skills are lacking; I don't have a conversation with someone without turning the focus to my problems.
Soooo I am wondering if this natural reaction to reject things is oppositional defiance.
I would do anything to let the real me out.
I have tried taking adderall and ritalin while on the mood stabilizers however there was no effect from them. Maybe my pdoc should of gone higher I am not sure.

Looking forward to your thoughts.
littlep

[gloria]

efferx and adderal? Have you asked your doctor about going back to those?
As I read your post, it seems like they really worked for you and mostly, you were happy. Maybe going back to those but lower dosages might be the way to go.

gab

[emwell]

I am no expert, but the first thing that came to my mind when reading your post was to find a new doctor. " I am told by my psychiatrist I am fighting the system" Who's system? What system do they refer to? Maybe your system is better than your doctor's. Until recently, I was labeled as not wanting to get better. I never knew how to get better until now. If you were feeling better on certain meds, request that you go back on them. Then do some research on doctors that won't make you feel bad.

Just my thoughts.

laughter really is the best medecine

[Anadder]

Well, I'm the same way, littlep and I agree with YOU, emwell. Yes! Who's system is right! I'm always out of step with the majority of those around me. I just despise those smug people for instance who think they've "made it" solely because of their own "hard work and dedication" while they label those who didn't "make it" lazy--or worse.

I've done reasonably well (emphasis on the reasonably); probably could have done "better" (depending on one's definition of "making it" ); still, with all my problems I still consider myself to be a caring person who realizes that none of us ever "makes it" or doesn't "make it" based solely on our own actions. We live in a society--we have parents, friends, relatives, associates and they all play a role in how we turn out--good or bad; in other words, we don't live in a vacuum so we can neither take all the credit for the good or all the discredit for bad.

Am waiting for a definitive diagnosis on whether or not I have ADD, and look forward to getting help to feel better. I'm ill tempered; will argue on any subject; unfocussed (I know how to be irate but can't always find the right words or recall the sources I want to site; disorganized; loathe and despise authority--but in a passive aggressive way when to do otherwise would cause great personal trouble; can't think in linear fashion; can't stay on topic; obsess over things which will probably never come to pass; can't keep track of my gardening tools; and will procrastinate until there's a knife at my throat and then I move at lightening speed. Only I can live with me in other words.

However, the one thing I don't want to change is my humanistic feelings. Littlep, you sound to me like you have a heart. Maybe it's the way we look at the world--we see the negative while everyone wants us to focus on the positive. That's ok, but not to see the negative is for me anyway pure folly. And I too have lost many "friends" but because I tend to be a loner, it doesn't really adversely affect me. I expect that I will be verbally combative with the psychiatrist when I see her, 'cause psychiatry is not a science but rather a skill which needs to be administered with understanding, insight, and delicately. She'd better be adept at being less direct with me, else I will need to be direct with her. You see, I haven't met the poor woman and already I'm doing battle in my head with her. Yes, as I write this I can see where I might have a problem or two. :]

Still, I'm wondering if it's all that bad playing the devil's advocate--that can be fun and educational. I guess it's how we play it. I must confess I play to win and I generally take no prisoners. This does not endear me to many, but my real friends--surprisingly I do have a few--know that I debate with passion--that I really believe my theories and more, I try my best to practice what I preach--so these friends afford me a little slack. To others, I'm just plain anti-social.

Well, I'm looking forward to the process of getting some help to try and sort this whole thing out. For now, though, I'm hanging on to my beliefs which are well left of centre. My beliefs aren't the problem really; my methods of debate are. Oh joy!

Come to think of it, if it weren't for all the other dire (to me at least) ADD symptoms that I have, I could deal with being out of sync with "the norm."