[chaotic13]

I've been taking Adderall XR fairly regularly for over a year. During this time of year, I'm off work and get the idea in my head to go off the medication and just check in with what I am REALLY like. I've been off the Adderall for 5 days and I am bouncing off the wall. I haven't slept the last few nights...weird dreams and general anxiousnes/restlessessness. Although I've been able to function, my thoughts have just been running in all directions and I haven't felt like doing anything productive. Luckily I've stuck to my To Do List and forced myself to at least do a little bit of productive thought. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get in the zone and crank stuff out without the medication.

I've decided that I am going to start back on it tomorrow. I have stuff that needs to get done.

[sunrise]

That is really strange because I too haven't been taking my stimulants over the winter break. And the result has been that I can't get to sleep! It's like I am even more stimulated without them. Maybe my body just got used to them and doesn't know how to behave without them. I don't know. I think I'm going to start up again tomorrow too. I need to get some sleep!

Originally Posted by chaotic13

During this time of year, I'm off work and get the idea in my head to go off the medication and just check in with what I am REALLY like. I've been off the Adderall for 5 days and I am bouncing off the wall. I haven't slept the last few nights...weird dreams and general anxiousnes/restlessessness. Although I've been able to function, my thoughts have just been running in all directions and I haven't felt like doing anything productive. Luckily I've stuck to my To Do List and forced myself to at least do a little bit of productive thought. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get in the zone and crank stuff out without the medication.

I've decided that I am going to start back on it tomorrow. I have stuff that needs to get done.

Hi Chaotic,

Your post got my attention. LOL I thought maybe it was a post from a new person. I think most people on this forum are on meds and are coping well.

I managed to read a bit more in My adhd work book which is always a barrel of laughs. I them tore apart the bathroom everthing needs to be cleaned and painted . I managed to paint a few shelves while dying a wool hat and shirt and watch some figure skating on tV and listen to music.

I drives me crazey to just do one thing . especially when its mindless cleaning and painting.

[chaotic13]

Well last night was another sleepless night. I am just really restless at night for some reason and am having weird nonsense dreams that can't even be explained. For some reason I just need to prove to myself that I am not physically addicted to this medication and CAN cope with my ADHD without medication. I have a busy week that I can't afford to be a low production week. I decided this morning to go back on the Adderall.

It is sad to say that I feel so much better on the medication than off. Duh...hence why I take it right! I just wonder if this may make me psychologically dependent on it. I wonder am I to the point where I think I can't work effectively without medication. This worries me a bit. If I can't sleep or read for an hour, or crank out a few syllabi then... HEY you better get back on the drugs! I've never considered myself at risk for addiction, but maybe this is how it starts. You start feeling like you can't be "something" or "perform well enough" without taking medication. I am just a freak about addiction and feeling like I am masking my true self. I know its dumb...ADHD is not curable so like BP we take medication to manage it. I know I've been here several times throughtout the year. Maybe I am just slipping into my self-loathing pattern and focusing on defects again. Maybe I am just being aware of what I'm really doing.

I am aware that I am experiencing a rush of rambling--at least it is on a single topic :-) I need to stop wasting this rush here and direct it towards say....WORK....Bye!

Hi Chaotic

Originally Posted by chaotic13

It is sad to say that I feel so much better on the medication than off. Duh...hence why I take it right! I just wonder if this may make me psychologically dependent on it

kinda oxymoronic huh..... LOL ! psychologically dependant .

Maybe in the worry that you have to take a drug it inorder to live a more productive life. Diabetics are psychologically dependant on having to take insulin. They know they have to take thier insulin or they will die.

I ever looked at my food addiction as a way to try to focus , but it is . something about doing two things at once helps me to be able to read and think about something in a focused way. I don't know what that is . It maybe when I read and think my body gets overstimulated so I have to find a way to quite the body.

I wonder am I to the point where I think I can't work effectively without medication. This worries me a bit. If I can't sleep or read for an hour, or crank out a few syllabi then... HEY you better get back on the drugs! I've never considered myself at risk for addiction, but maybe this is how it starts. You start feeling like you can't be "something" or "perform well enough" without taking medication. I am just a freak about addiction and feeling like I am masking my true self. I know its dumb...ADHD is not curable so like BP we take medication to manage it. I know I've been here several times throughtout the year. Maybe I am just slipping into my self-loathing pattern and focusing on defects again. Maybe I am just being aware of what I'm really doing.

were you able to work effectively before taking meds?
again oxymoronic. masking ones true self..

I guess if you want to be bouncing off the walls as an ineffective, figgiter who can't remember ****
intreupts people inorder to beable to hold onto a thought . late for everythig because you can;t remember where anything is . jump from one thing to another several times a day and feel overwhlemed because you see the whole picture with a task . then . well ...

thats a great true self huh. more like a behavioral self. Theres a true self in there under and intertwined with the behaviors .

I suspect there is a withdrawl from these drugs. There are other drugs that have withdrawl symptoms. As long as you are not using more than prescribed then your not a drug addict. I do not know what the long term effect these kinds of drugs have on the brain.

I have been told its the quality of life that psychiatrists focus on vs the long term ramifications/ side effects of the drugs they prescribe.

I tried my first meditation class tonight at my therapists request. I have no idea if it will help me focus or not. Maybe find a way to be more calm.
and deal with the self esteme issues that result from my chaotic self.

I hope you'll be focusing better soon and the dreams stop.

Patricia