Husband may have mild Asperger's

My husband exhibits several characteristics of adult Asperger's, and he acknowledges that he has faults and is trying to work on them, but his lack of warmth and empathy is really wearing me down.

Does anyone have suggestions for books or resources that may be helpful to me? I would like to stay married for financial/child-rearing reasons. He and I have been together for over 13 years.

First of all I react a little to hear he has faults. I mean we all do. When it comes to a person with Asperger's hanging out with a non, I'm not sure it's right to say the one with Asperger's having all the faults. I'd rather see it as a bad match between people.

When I hang out with non's, yea I see their "faults", but I don't get all upset, I realize they are not me and I can never make them me. Even when they annoy the heck of me with the things I feel are stupid and immature. I keep it to myself.

My parents stayed with each other for child rearing reasons until I moved out... that was hell. If there is no love, your kids will suffer, or at least I did.

I have a lot of empathy even if people fail to understand it. I just express it differently. I have strong moral values and I don't hurt people if I can ever avoid it. I think my actions through a lot. I bend backwards to help my friends and I give to charity. Still... I'm cold and I lack empathy..... because it is easy to attribute that to me for not hugging, avoiding people too near (physically and emotionally), and not looking them in the eye.

So I'm a bad person because I have a different body language. Because being hugged hurts!!!! I don't know your husband, maybe he is outright cruel. Maybe you want to share a few things he does?

Thank you for responding. I was using my husband's words by saying that he has faults. I am fully aware that I have faults, too.

Here are a few issues (and I realize that non-Asperberger's spouses may have these qualities as well):
1. He was into computer porn for several years, even after I told him how much it bothered me and asked him to stop.
2. He has a short temper with our small children and exhibits road rage while driving.
3. He shows little caring and concern for me or the children when we are sick.
4. He has many things that he likes a certain way and will not consider compromising.
5. He has clear work goals but chooses not to develop concrete goals for the children or us as a couple (I have asked for this). He spends nearly 80 hours a week at work during some parts of the year.

If we did not have a family, I think I could learn to adjust and care for myself. But the truth is, his seeming lack of care and concern very much affect me and my ability to cope and parent. I am trying to reach out for help - I'm not here to offend.

Work is one thing. There the rules are set and what to do is easy. With something as tricky as kids he might just not have the ability to plan. He might not grasp humans very well. People like that might even escape to work because that is easy and he understands it, while socializing is a mystery and a drain on energy, a field of shortcomings and maybe even a field in which he has no interest.

Either he doesn't understand HOW to care, or maybe he simply doesn't care about sick wife and kids. If he doesn't care, I wouldn't know how to change that. If he cares, he could find ways of showing. I myself have no problem caring for sick people because for me it is a concrete thing. I can bring someone foods, drinks, blankets and so on. I'm not very good at saying comforting things, but I sort of assume me running round like crazy would hint to them I care (I think I care at least. I know taking care of sick people is the right thing to do).

Some things people can learn, some they can't. I learned tons about how those mysterious creatures called human beings THINK, through the Internet. You can't imagine how much non verbal communication there really is online (but ironically through words), but for a big part, the Internet (chats, forums) makes more for an even ground for people with Asperger's to meet normies. If he is anything like me, he should dump the porn and use his online time for communication.

Now with that said, maybe he doesn't like hanging out with people. Then he will have no wish to learn anything.

People with Asperger's can be very set in their ways. There is learning to be a little flexible, but it is very painful. Change really hurts me. I think it is because a normie sort of projects his image onto the world and then live in that world. For me, I go out in the world and I see it as it is. When they cut down a tree here it really upset me because it changed everything. Most people would not even see the tree gone because they would not see the world as it is. A cup for me is an individual cup. For most people, a cup is within the bigger concept of cups. One cup is like any cup, even looking different they are just cups. For me, one cup IS the concept. Every single part of the world is one entity. So when you set them in a particular order (physically and habit wise), they don't create a whole, but they create a pattern you expect and recognize. Changing one thing is like pulling the bottom card of a house of cards.

Just my opinion, but working on social skills in a family, is much more important than working on tolerating change in your set ways.

I really don't think it sounds like he has mild Asperger's. I mean, he works and all. I don't. But still, from what you say, he has more severe Asperger's than I do. Or maybe it's an age thing. I didn't start developing social skills until I was around 30.

I go to a life skills psychologist. Or did, rather. I don't know if they exist where you live. They specialize in Autism spectrum and the goal is to make the "patient" have a more efficient and satisfying way of living.

I'm sorry if I sounded angry in the other post.. not having a particularly good day today. Didn't mean for that to seep into my post.

Thank you very much for your insight, jimrat.

My husband is not open to seeing a counselor - he says that it would not be helpful to him because he does not talk (I see a therapist).

I think it's a great testament to your character that you seek out communication and information through the internet. I will check for Life Skills Psychologists in our area, just in case he ever changes his mind. Thanks again - your comments are helpful.

My husband also has Aspergers and we have been together for 14 years and it has completely worn me down with his temper, and lack of empathy - its always got to be about him and it feels like I have a fourth child but like you we have kids and I am unsure if I should go down the seperation route.

I take meds that makes my temper better. I used always be irritated and angry. It was from stress. Everything was stressful for me. I realized I couldn't sit and cry about it so I got angry instead, at least it looked like anger but really it was a kind of panic. I was very sensitive about a few things.

I did read a book that was somewhat helpful - it's called The Journal of Best Practices http://www.amazon.com/The-Journal-Be...4064332&sr=8-1.

The author has high-functioning Asperger's (he's in his early 30s), and he writes the book after being formally diagnosed in an effort to improve and save his marriage. I only wish my spouse were as motivated.

I don't think that he has a "lack of warmth or empathy", so much as that he doesn't express his connection to you the same way other people do, so you can't read the signals he sends, or he doesn't send signals because he doesn't know you need to receive them. I think you should talk to him, explain your problem--that you can't read his warmth/empathy--and work out a communication strategy so that you can be reassured, and he gets reminded that you need reassurance.

It's just a communication gap, really. You want to communicate with him; he wants to communicate with you. Work together. Pretend you're from different cultures and speak different languages, and find ways to translate. You and he will always be different, and may always have trouble reading each other, but if you learn how to express that you're having trouble reading him, and vice versa, then it can work. Use language as the common ground where you can both meet; language is probably the least ambiguous way to communicate. And make sure you say everything straight out, because he probably isn't that good at getting things you're hinting at. Similarly, he needs to make sure to talk about things he's taking for granted: For example, I've talked to a guy who didn't know his girlfriend wanted to be told he loved her, because he had told her once, assumed she knew the information, and he didn't know that he needed to remind her all the time. Sometimes silly little things like that can get in the way.

But yeah, just talk to him, take on the communication gap together.