[Incognito-13]

Hi
I have diagnosed with mild Asperger’s syndrome, but that not why I’m writing this. For as long as I can remember I have had this… well… for the lack of better word I call it “hysteria” I always have had it, but in the past 5 or 6 years ago it got to point where I can no longer control it.
I believe it all started from my childhood & I believe that the most largest factor to this has been my father. My father has a problem, a problem that many parents do, a problem that I just don’t feel comfortable to say. My mother has always been against this, rather fanatically so, but she has long ago given up to try to fix it. So instead she has taught me that this problem my father has is a bad thing, a very bad thing. I know this & I will never share my father’s problem, I think it’s disgusting, but it’s a problem that many father has it, but this is not the point. The point is that my mother can’t stand this & as a result has many, many times gotten to fight with my father because of it. These said fights fortunately never has escalated from simple yelling, shouting & crying, but seeing my parent’s fight is something that really, really, really hurts me. I just get awful feeling about it. & this has happened trough out my whole life, but even this is not the real problem, merely the origin to this “hysteria” that I have. Or the very least what I consider to be the origin.
Here is the real problem: Every time I see my father doing he’s problem, or when I even suspect that he’s doing it, my mind just starts to going in circles. Or atleast it used to be only then, now… now this “hysteria” can come at any time… even as I now write this right now. When this it happens, my mind is instantly filled with thought like “Is he doing it again?” “Will there be a fight?” “What if this is the last fight & my father leaves us?” “How could I possibly support my mother?” “I can’t get a job from this place!” “I have no qualification to get a job!” “Will my mother commit suicide?” “What will I do she does that?” I can’t live without her!” “I can’t live without my father!”
All these & so many other similar questions, fears, delusions start to fill my mind, then I start to remember my past… I remember every… EVERY negative thing that has ever happened to me starting from the most earliest memories to this present day. I start to recall every bad, sad, embarrassing, painful memory that I can think of & it just circles around, around, around, around, around… I just never stop… all I can think of that moment is my bad memories & this can go on hours… Eventually I simply exhaust myself & I go to bed, where I either collapse to sleep immediately or I cry myself to sleep.
I have tried to fix this… I really have. I have tried everything that I can possibly do. But ultimately all I can do is to delay it. I have noticed that if playing computer games all day, I don’t have time to think… anything. For the past 5 or so my life has been exactly like this: I wake up in about 13:00 or 15:00 & make something to eat. Then I go to my room & start to play computer games. I play, I play & I play all day from the moment of my waking up I play games to around 5:00 or 6:00 to morning to the point where my brain is simply so exhausted that I can barely stand up & walk to my bed, I just barely manage to get to my bed & I instantly fall to sleep, but at least I don’t have chance to remember. I won’t allow myself to think. I simply immerse myself to games so much that my thoughts literally seace to exist in real world, for a moment I can be someone or something else. For a while I can be a Drow transmuter wizard, saving a neverwinter from the legions of the chimera. For a while I can be a multitasking my resource gathering, unit production & my burrowed Zerg ambush units until I can send the next big zerg rush wave upon my enemies. For a while I can be a Necromancer, raising my fallen enemies as a skeletons & skeleton mages, then leading them in sewers of Lut Gholein to find & destroy the monster that has been terrorizing that town. These & many, many, many & many other things that I am at that moment, just so that I don’t allow my self a chance to think.
But it is not enough… I have had this “hysteria” so long & so many times & I have denied myself the reality so long that I have no longer any other memories that my games & my hysteria. I no longer have memories! A few months (I think) ago I created a list of all my good memories or the very least, memories that aren’t bad. I’m looking that list right now & it literally has only 6 entries… 6!!! 3 of them aren’t even good memories, they are the memories of when an insect called Tukkimiehentäi (Hylobius abietis) somehow managed to attached itself to my nose & the other one is when a frog got to our house & started a small commotion with my parent’s & the quests. & the last one is when my father found an bat near our house & decided to show it to us. The remaining memories are “Good” memories but there is only 3 off them!?!?! How? how can I not remember anything other than those 6 Good/Neutral memories? I swear upon my parents & my grandmother that I literally cannot remember anything else that dosen’t involve my bad memories or the fear of my “hysteria”… The bad memories? I can’t bring myself write about them… I already feel bad. even discussing about them.
The worst part is that my fears are mostly… no… I should say completely groundless. I know that both my father & my mother love me very much. I know that my life should not be that bad. I have a home, parent’s that love me, my own room, personal objects & some money. My father is trying to minimize he’s problem. I’m not joking, despite he having this problem for so long time he is actually trying to end this problem of hes. I’ve seen it & he is very sorry about it. I know he can do it… maybe. He had another problem before: smoking, but he managed to quit it. So why I can’t see it? No wait… Why I can’t except it? I just can’t… I don’t know why, but no matter how much my father improves or how good my life would became. This “Hysteria” just comes back everytime I allow myself a moment of reality… I can’t stop myself from thinking about it.
I know that I have an Asperger’s syndrome, but this is not part of it… I don’t know what it is… all I know is that I have it & I can’t get rid of it, not the lack of trying though. I’m scared… of myself.I don’t want to this to go on. & because of I love my parents I have kept it hidden. I don’t want them to know the full scale of my “hysteria” I feared that they would think me insane & send me away or would get divorce. Until the other night at least.
The other night I let it all out… I had another “Hysteria” nothing even happened, all that happened was that my father got a “friend” to visit, but it was enough for me to start thinking… But I could not go on anymore… I could not take this any longer… I simply had no more strength to go on… So I went to my mother & let it all out… I told her everything… Everything… I told her about my thoughts, my fear, my delusions, my memories… I told her everything. Later when I had calmed a bit I was going to my room, my father was at the hallway. He too had been listening my “Hysteria” I just collapsed to the floor & started apologizing … I kept repeating “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry” I don’t know how long I was at that state but when I came to my senses it was a morning.
A day went by… nothing happened… as if nothing had happened at all last night. Finally as I was going to room to play myself to sleep (as always) my mother asked me “Are you alright?” “No, no I’m not. Nothing has changed” I said. We talked again what had happed last night & I somehow managed to keep my self-collected enough to speak about it, without falling to “Hysteria” again. I don’t know how I did it… but I did. The most disturbing think is that later when my father came back he told that what I said during my hysteria, are some of them are not exactly what happened, that some of my memories are wrong or small things that were just one time “anger words” that ultimately had no meaning. I believed him… I believed every word my parents said… It was at that moment that I realized that my “hysteria” is far worse that I thought. I thought me bad memories are like horrible time-capsule frozen in time forever in my mind to preserve those moments, exactly as they were back then. But now I know this is not true at all. I now know that my mind has been twisting my memories. I no longer know what my memories are. I truly no longer have any memories that I know to be truth.
I also learned that both my father & my mother are now very worried about me. But at the same time they can’t help me… Or no… I can’t honestly say that. More accurately they want to help me, but they don’t know how. As neither do I.
This is it… my story… my condition… My “hysteria” as best as I can tell it to you. I can’t write anymore. I can feel that it’s coming back. Even now. & if I won’t start playing very soon I’ll lose myself again.
The only thing that I can add to this is that I know that human cannot live like this. Human can’t live day after day, after day just to erase the reality of presence only to do it again tomorrow. Everyone has a breaking point & I have reached mine.
This is my last hope… I have no friends… I have no religion to comfort me… I have no strength left… All I have left are my games & my parents & they can’t help me even if they want to…
Please… help me…

[avuna]

hello. If your memories is bothering you, talk about it with your parents. it's not your fault. You might be sensitive to what is being said, or make something out that isn't there just cause you feel strongly about something. Emotions often do this trick to your mind, if you aren't talking about it with someone or has learned how to handle them. You are talking about this as "hysteria" while it's a conflict in your mind cause you haven't learned how to handle your emotions. Your anger is a result of this. You can manage this with reading up on emotions online or getting therapy. There is nothing wrong with how you feel, it's just something that you have misconcepted during time and the fault is that you didn't know what to do otherwise. You remember negative feelings cause of this, and you haven't worked through them properly, cause they're "bad" for you. While in fact they shouldn't be.

[Incognito-13]

Hi
I just read your reply… I don’t know what to think… as of my parents suggestion I started to take a simply once a day walks during morning & sleeping more reasonably. This worked for now but now… I just… don’t know what to think. I should not be thinking right now, but I still wan’t to make sense off your reply. Anger? emotional imbalance? haven’t worked them out? Not my fault & not supposed to be bad memories?
I’m sorry if I offend you, but I’m really confused now. My memories… no… my LIFE is a nothing more than a false memory. How I can even begin to comprehend a simple emotions if I now constantly doubt my past & presence. The largest problem that I have now (or at least I think it is) is that I have no baseline for my emotions to be distinguished from good & bad since all my memories are things that I want to forget.
It’s really hard to explain but here’s an example: Every ones unique right? Being unique or more accurately the need to be unique is a rather common need for all human. Sounds logical & understandable right? Well my version is that “Everyone is unique, which is a very clever way of saying that no one’s unique!” It’s rather simple really: since everyone in already unique (no two alike) then there is no such thing as “normal” and thus there can be NO way of measuring the “uniqueness” thus rendering the entire concept of “unique” pointless waste of time.
I really hope this didn’t confuse you too much, but it’s basically the same problem: I have no memories that I can consider real & since the emotion & overall human existence is based from those memories. I therefore have no accurate comparison to make reasonable assumption that.
…
I’m sorry, I started to think too much again…
Just please answers me these questions:
1: How can I fix my emotions?
2: How can I prevent myself from overthinking?
3: Am I really angry? Is all this simply because I’m angry?
4: Exactly how bad is my situation? (From psychological viewpoint)
5: Is there any hope for me?
I really would appreciate if you (or the community) could explain this situation to me a bit more clearly.