[JustLikeHeaven]

I have 'high functioning' aspergers (whatever difference THAT is supposed to make.)

On top of my issues relating to people, and empathy, I also suffer from anxiety and depression. I have ONE friend and no life.

I seem incapable of finding people that will wade through my 'emotional crap' to see who I really am.

How does someone that suffers from a social disorder, is afraid of the world and generally lacks a lust for life find someone to love.

Is that kind of person even 'loveable'?

[Callista]

Everyone's loveable.

I think your anxiety and depression are probably your number one problems right now. Being socially clumsy is an annoyance, but it isn't nearly as much of a problem; depression causes a LOT more distress than autism.

("High functioning" doesn't mean anything, by the way. There's no official definition. It just means whatever the doctor thinks it means, which can range from "has a Nobel prize" to "was able to put on their own shirt today".)

I've had depression. I'll probably have it again. And trust me, autism by itself is not a big deal compared to that. I mean, autism is just a disability. It means I have a weird brain and I suck at some things that other people find easy. I can deal with a disability. But depression? Depression hurts. It stops you from thinking and learning and caring about your world. However: it's a solvable problem. Depression is usually episodic, which means that after a while you get back into balance. Treatment can shorten the episodes and prevent recurrences or at least help you nip them in the bud when they happen. In the more severe cases, treatment can literally help you survive an episode. You owe it to yourself to do something about your depression. Having to live like that is no fun and leaves you very little energy to learn useful things that help you deal with living as an autistic person in a non-autistic world.

[christopeach]

Originally Posted by Callista

Everyone's loveable.

I think your anxiety and depression are probably your number one problems right now. Being socially clumsy is an annoyance, but it isn't nearly as much of a problem; depression causes a LOT more distress than autism.

("High functioning" doesn't mean anything, by the way. There's no official definition. It just means whatever the doctor thinks it means, which can range from "has a Nobel prize" to "was able to put on their own shirt today".)

I've had depression. I'll probably have it again. And trust me, autism by itself is not a big deal compared to that. I mean, autism is just a disability. It means I have a weird brain and I suck at some things that other people find easy. I can deal with a disability. But depression? Depression hurts. It stops you from thinking and learning and caring about your world. However: it's a solvable problem. Depression is usually episodic, which means that after a while you get back into balance. Treatment can shorten the episodes and prevent recurrences or at least help you nip them in the bud when they happen. In the more severe cases, treatment can literally help you survive an episode. You owe it to yourself to do something about your depression. Having to live like that is no fun and leaves you very little energy to learn useful things that help you deal with living as an autistic person in a non-autistic world.

What therapy worked for you I to have anxiety disorders and depression, mine is so deep rooted that I really can not remember a happy time in my life, as a child I spent most of my time figuring out my family and working out ways to avoid interacting with others, in my teens i got stoned and drunk to get by, in early adulthood I "mastered" the deception and trickery, I thought!
I later life to now social situations has become unbearable, my partner is trying to make me get out and interact with other humans, but I would rather just stay in and hide from the world and wallow in my mind, enough going on in there.
Anyway I am kinda screwed, I tried 2 sessions of CBT, 3 sessions of talking therapy, no joy, I just go into shutdown mode and get so anxious that I can not think of anything to say and what comes out is just echos of what was said before. I do not know how to express how I feel.

[Callista]

Well, the first thing that worked for me was actually just learning that I'm autistic. That was a huge help for me, because it taught me about why I am so constantly stressed out. Most people don't go into overload from bright light, wool sweaters, crowded cafeterias, or unexpectedly canceled meetings--but if you're autistic, you very well might. Learning that about myself helped me learn to manage my stress levels better, mostly by avoiding the things that overwhelm me, or planning for the inevitable overloads and shutdowns. Learning that a shutdown was just my brain blue-screening because of too much data, rather than a sign that I'm immature and useless, was a great help. It meant I could find somewhere private, rest until I could think again, and not beat myself up over the episode.

I did go into therapy. Several therapists weren't very helpful; the first one who was helpful tended toward helping me learn how to solve practical problems in my life, giving me a place where I could ask questions and get suggestions. She was also the first one to treat me with respect. Instead of worrying about how horrible I felt and how little energy I had, we worked on how I might use what energy I had the most efficiently, to do useful things. I also learned a lot about how to monitor my own thoughts: When you are depressed, your mind edits things so they are unrealistically negative. Instead of believing those things, I learned to question them, to say, "What if that's not true? If that horrible thing did happen, what would you do to cope with it? Are you really such a horrible person as you think you are?" It's often a matter of changing things like, "I'm a failure," to, "I failed a test." Or changing, "I can't do this," to, "I'm having trouble doing this; how can I find a way to get it done?"

Perhaps learning to talk about how you feel could be a good start. You seem to express yourself rather well in writing. Would it help to write down what you think instead of having to say it on the spot? I've kept journals for a long time and while it's mostly a hobby, I'm pretty sure it's helped me think.

I did take medication, and still do. Right now I'm on Prozac, but that's not a recommendation for Prozac, because everyone is different. I think you'll probably just have to work with your doctor to try different things. Antidepressants don't have a really huge effect most of the time. They won't magically make you happy. When an antidepressant works for me, I usually just find that it's a little easier to cope with things, a little easier to pull myself out of bed, to plan and think, or to do something productive. You still have to fight it, but medication gives you an edge. The way I figure it, I can use any help I can get.

[christopeach]

Thank you Callista, I am just starting out with doing a journal, I was hoping to reignite my creative thinking for my art, but even that is a burden, but I think I will do some work on reflecting on myself in them.