how hereditary is Asperger's?

I think that if you're not ready to have a disabled child, you're not ready for a child at all.

That doesn't mean you wouldn't have a lot of learning to do if you did have a disabled child, or that you wouldn't be overwhelmed at first; it does mean that if you can't accept the possibility that your child may have a disability, then you probably shouldn't be having children. That's true whether or not you have an increased risk.

Any child may be born with a disability, or acquire one later on. Random genetic glitches, unavoidable accidents, and unpredictable illnesses may all leave a child with a disability. Most disabilities are not predictable; so when a person decides to have a child, they should be willing to take on all that parenting implies--including the possibility that their child may have a disability. If your idea is, "If this child has autism (or CP, or Down syndrome, or dyslexia, or any other disorder), I can't possibly be a parent," then you shouldn't be having a child.

You don't have to feel confident about being a perfect parent; it'd probably be weird if you were. But you shouldn't have a child until you can say, "We will love and raise this child--boy or girl, disabled or not, strong-willed or compliant; whoever they are, makes no difference, because we are going to be this child's parents and nothing can change that."

Well, as this time I am choosing the father-to-be in a calm fashion rather than based on passion, I try to look at risks. This particular candidate has huge things going for him: a remarkably good record as a father, very low maintenance as a partner, and many more. So I was concerned about this little risk. But it seems to be small enough + approaches are available to help a child who ends up having it.

Are you choosing by height, hair and eye color as well?

No, I've already had a son with an unusually handsome man, my first H. There were severe problems with the father - he has always been cold and uncaring towards the son, and, as my former teacher who also taught my first H (my first H and I had been good friends for 7 years before I had the misfortunate to all of a sudden find him sexually attractive), is one of the most empty, shallow, self-absorbed students she has known (unfortunately during the brief few months of my dating him, I was not in touch with my former teacher and could not have the benefit of her advice).

But the boy did get the eye color and the basketball height of his father. And did spend 5 years playing basketball, including college-level basketball, until it started to occupy so much time that it became difficult to study so he stopped.

At any rate, I have already had this experience, so thanks but no thanks, but I now pay attention to other factors. I think that one time is more than enough.

Good question!

Jimi, just to explain how far from eye color and height I have come, I now need:

- an impeccable record of treating all former romantic partners in a nice, warm, and caring fashion. Because chances are, I will eventually become a former partner and I want to be treated nicely. The guy with the brother with suspected Asperger's still does his ex wife's taxes, many years after their divorce. That scores a point with me.

- low maintenance. Must be able to cook his own food or go to Trader Joe's and buy something to eat. Must not have any expectations. The guy under discussion here, when I ask what I should cook or buy to it, says that he is not hungry. I actually like to cook when I feel like but I should not be expected to do it a lot. I should not feel pressure.

~ this one severely limits my options ; must be very easy going about housekeeping. Ideally, should himself live in a place that is somewhat messy and somewhat cluttered. I do not necessarily expect to live together actually the opposite is true, just to be very involved, but still I do not want the guy to come in and criticize my home environment. This is hugely important. The guy discussed here qualifies. I cannot stress the importance of this factor.

~must like zaftig women in their as is state. I might eventually lose some weight but I do not want anyone setting it as a quarterly goal for me. The guy discussed here is absolutely fine in this regard.

+not jealous, emotionally supportive, positive, friendly, with an excellent record of fatherhhod or step fatherhood.

So as you see, nothing about the looks.

And, should be OK with cats jumping into his lap or onto the dinner table. Honestly, my oldest romantic partner in terms of tenure, met him when I was sixteen, was peeved by both. The guy under consideration in this thread was able to attract into his lap Maddy, my shy, skittish young kitty who hides when guests come in, but she approached him on his first visit to my great surprise. Scored a point with me.