[hamster-bamster]

Does anyone know? To what extent does it run in families? I am considering, right now as a remote possibility, a pregnancy with my current partner. He himself is very well adjusted socially and his kids are all OK without dx; the oldest one has a bf and runs a start-up at 21, so no problem for sure. But his younger brother who is in his 30s has never had a gf, does not come to see his parents at all and does not attend family gatherings on holidays even though the parents live in the SF Bay area and he lives close by - in LA, does not call his parents and in general shuns interactions. The brother is very advanced academically. He has not sought mental health care but the combination of his stellar academic record with social ineptitude makes my partner think that the brother has Asperger's.

So I want to know to what extent it runs in families and what the chance is that the hypothetical baby would have Asperger's. I do not feel ready to deal with an ASD child. I think I have bipolar figured out and am prepared to deal with a child with bipolar if need be (which would be fairly likely because my mother was bipolar as well), but I am afraid that I would be unable to skillfully raise an Asperger's child. So this question is very important to me.

[unaluna]

One theory of Aspergers is that the parents are a couple of nerds. So maybe you need to find yourself an artsy-fartsy type. If you decide to go thru with this crazy idea. Can't you just wait for grandchildren? They are just around the corner! They'll be here before you know it!

[hamster-bamster]

No, I hope my children will not have children early. So I hope grandchildren are not just around the corner. Plus, last time I had my eyebrows threaded, the threader was pregnant. I asked her when we would be due. She said "In April". I said "I have two girls born in April". She could not believe it. Then I said that I have a 19-y-o son. That she could not believe even more. So it is early for grandchildren if she reacts this way. I mean, who knows my face better than her? Nobody. I have been seeing her for a year.

On Aspergers:

I am not a nerd - would that be enough? And he is not a nerd at all. And one of his sons wins Speech and Debate tournaments and wants go into politics - as far from Asperger's as you can get. But the brother is a problem.

I emailed GP with this question. Let us see what she comes up with.

[unaluna]

I think you might be a nerd girl just because you're basically foreign, like me? Learning multiple languages at a young age, supporting yourself in computers? Did the okcupid quiz tell you youre more or less mathematical than other girls? The other Baron Cohen cousin - not the comedian, the psychologist, said maybe it was all these nerd couples meeting at work spawning the rise in Aspergers.

[Vibe]

There is a major genetic component to autism and aspergers. However, it sounds like his family member with supposed aspergers hasn't even been formally diagnosed. Personally, I have several family members who fall on the spectrum, and it was a serious worry when my youngest sibling was born. She turned out to be the most gregarious of the bunch, though.

There is no way to predict these things. Even if there is no autism in either of your families, you might have a child with aspergers. This same possibility exists with many disorders your child could have. He/she could be blind/deaf, be born with down syndrome, develop asthma, get into a wreck and end up in a wheelchair, etc.

If you absolutely can not handle this possibility, then I would avoid having children. Adopting would increase your chances of getting the type of child you want, but it would not prevent serious injury or illness from disabling the child later in life.

[whoswho]

Agreed.

And also: just because someone succeeds academically and appears socially cold doesn't mean they have Asperger's. Being diagnosed with Asperger's means so much more than just being a "nerd."

I have a child with Aspergers. Actually 2. My daughter is diagnosed AS too. I also score with a high AQ and was said to be 'very likely an aspie' on the aspie quiz.

My question to you would be what is it about an AS child that you think would be so difficult to raise? In most ways, looking at my two boys, one being AS the other not, I find that dealing with them is pretty close to the same. There are issues of course socially with my AS child and I have to speak for him many times, even though he's 12 because he's extremely shy but they are, remember, high functioning autistics.

I just don't understand that thinking.

Shoot having a neurotypical child isnt problem free anyway.

I don't know, maybe I'm biased because I've raised him for 12 years and it's all normal to me but I don't see it as that bad.

Originally Posted by hankster

One theory of Aspergers is that the parents are a couple of nerds. So maybe you need to find yourself an artsy-fartsy type. If you decide to go thru with this crazy idea. Can't you just wait for grandchildren? They are just around the corner! They'll be here before you know it!

My parents were anything but nerds and apparently I still ended up on the spectrum lol. :P

Oh and artsy fartsy isn't anti-aspie either. That is actually my obsession and my talent. So don't think finding an artistic person will avoid them being AS. Actually go to the aspie forums and meet those people. you'd be surprised at how many of them are creatives.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by hankster

I think you might be a nerd girl just because you're basically foreign, like me? Learning multiple languages at a young age, supporting yourself in computers? Did the okcupid quiz tell you youre more or less mathematical than other girls? The other Baron Cohen cousin - not the comedian, the psychologist, said maybe it was all these nerd couples meeting at work spawning the rise in Aspergers.

Oops, not sure what you mean by the OkCupid quiz. I have answered a bunch of questions, I have, but have not seen quizzes.

[hamster-bamster]

Good answers, especially from someone who has raised autistic kids. I am just terrified that the child would not be social. Would not reach socialization milestones. I think I can handle shyness to some extent but only to some extent, because I am not shy at all. It is just hard for me to picture handling someone that different. Adoption actually exacerbates the risks because my biological child would at least have 50% of his/her genes from me, while an adopted child would have 0. And Down syndrome can be screened for prenatally but autism cannot.

Again much appreciate answers from those in the trenches.

Yes, his brother has not been formally dx'd. It is just a hypothesis that he has Asperger's.

Regarding the wheelchair - I could eat megadoses of folic acid-containing foods to reduce the likelihood of that. Would not rule out the possibility but at least would greatly reduce the risk.

[Sila]

If it happens, it happens. It's your child, and when it comes down to it you end up willing to do whatever it takes to help them succeed. If your child developed normally, all seemed clear, then all of a sudden regressed and lost skills- would you love them any less? More than likely not. Autism can be a challenge, Aspergers or "classic" or what have you. I have a "moderate" form because I can speak but I'm disabled by it. However, I still graduated high school and I'm working on college. I have a partner of almost 3 years and a small handful of close friends. It didn't come easy, I didn't have support. No one knew that I had autism, so it made it harder. If you do have a child and they do have Aspergers or Autism or anything at all, you do the best you can because they're your child. It's not like picking a dog where you can choose the breed and temperament and train-ability. You generally can't choose what you give or don't give to your children... You can have 2 autistic parents and have your child be NT, or have two "NT" parents and come out with a severely autistic child. We don't know enough about the genetic side to autism to really understand the rates. We do know it is very likely hereditary in nature.

[Vibe]

Hah, they were just examples. For every way to minimize the risks you find, I could throw out ten more potential problems with the child. The point is that we do everything we can but at the end of the day it's still a crap shoot. You could give birth to the perfect child then have a creep crash into your vehicle when he's three and end up raising a person with severe brain damage. There is always that element of lack of control in parenting. These are risks you have to accept going in. If extreme shyness is something you couldn't see yourself handling, then that's something you need to seriously evaluate in yourself because it's going to be a possibility no matter who you have children with.

As for aspergers itself - it doesn't sound like it's more likely to pop up than any other condition. It's actually one of the few major conditions which I would feel comfortable handling, though. You being social and gregarious would be extremely helpful for the child's rehabilitation therapy. I think children on the autistic spectrum often do worse if their parents are also withdrawn. They need more social training and it's helpful to have a parent who is naturally equipped to handle that.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Sila

If it happens, it happens. It's your child, and when it comes down to it you end up willing to do whatever it takes to help them succeed. If your child developed normally, all seemed clear, then all of a sudden regressed and lost skills- would you love them any less? More than likely not. Autism can be a challenge, Aspergers or "classic" or what have you. I have a "moderate" form because I can speak but I'm disabled by it. However, I still graduated high school and I'm working on college. I have a partner of almost 3 years and a small handful of close friends. It didn't come easy, I didn't have support. No one knew that I had autism, so it made it harder. If you do have a child and they do have Aspergers or Autism or anything at all, you do the best you can because they're your child. It's not like picking a dog where you can choose the breed and temperament and train-ability. You generally can't choose what you give or don't give to your children... You can have 2 autistic parents and have your child be NT, or have two "NT" parents and come out with a severely autistic child. We don't know enough about the genetic side to autism to really understand the rates. We do know it is very likely hereditary in nature.

What is NT?

I had a colleague at one of my prior work places, elizabeth. Her first daughter was fine. Her son developed autism. She had a really stable position at the company, with husband who was also employed at the same company (and started earlier than her and secured her employment later). So she was able to reduce her hours to 10% (she was just reading email and not doing anything else). Eventually she returned to something like 60% and was able to get promoted multiple times and reach managerial responsibilities, but in the beginning she was, I do not know, close to suicidal.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Vibe

As for aspergers itself - it doesn't sound like it's more likely to pop up than any other condition. It's actually one of the few major conditions which I would feel comfortable handling, though. You being social and gregarious would be extremely helpful for the child's rehabilitation therapy. I think children on the autistic spectrum often do worse if their parents are also withdrawn. They need more social training and it's helpful to have a parent who is naturally equipped to handle that.

Really? That is good news. Both parents and half-siblings would be socially adjusted.

[Sila]

Sorry, NT is "neurotypical" or generally assumed to be people without autism disorders.

[-jimi-]

You cannot control life. You are given the child you are given, and as a parent you are obliged to love the child and help to the best of your abilities.

A child is not a doll to show to to he outside world, like See what a pretty, clever and sane child I have. A child is a person and if you are into designer babies think this.

You have bipolar. Bipolar has a much, much stronger genetic factor than AS. You scrutiny the father's genes, what about your own? Now I'm not saying bipolars shouldn't have kids, but I do not understand your worry about AS. AS people can be completely lovely. Both me and my brother (Who is HSP, which is sometimes seen as the non-pathological side of AS), I am AS/ADD, we were nice kids. We were natural rule followers, honest and not too rowdy. All AS kids are not like this, but all of us weren't disobedient and wild.

[hamster-bamster]

I would not worry about disobedience with aspergers. I would worry about reaching socialization milestones. Bipolar responds well to Lithium in a great many cases. I feel prepared for that. I want to know what ASpergers responds to. What do parents do to help their children have friends and, in time, gfs or bfs? To be a well rounded person?

So you are saying that Asp. Is less hereditary than bipolar?

[hamster-bamster]

What is HSP?

I scrutinize the hypothetical father along many axes and he is damn good along most and outstanding along some very important ones. He has a great ability and a desire to be a father, as evidenced by some extraordinary achievements. E.g. his eldest child,an adult daughter, housemates with him and co runs a start up with him. They have this huge whiteboard in the apartment on which they jot down ideas. You would think you were in a hallway of software engineering or producct management department in a company. I have never seen anything like this. And she trusts her father enough to volunteet information about her private life ie her relationshp with the bf. I was very impressed.

I am not sure I will follow through with this idea, but I am very sure that if I do, I would select the father very carefully this time around. So the Aspergers risk is so far one of the very few potentially scary things associated with this particular guy.

But all of you post such well written messages that I am beginning to think that I am scared without cause.

[hamster-bamster]

All of you have definitely mastered the art of written socialization online.

[-jimi-]

There are bipolars that struggle with finding the right med. Your child might not find a good med easily. Your baby is not you.

What polishes the edges of Asperger's? WHY would you want to? It's not a disease. What "helps" Asperger's is to regulate activity because especially when the childhood energy fades and the Aspie use up more energy than the NT, he/she needs to learn to pace. Or they might have a burnout.

Otherwise the Aspie, in general, need alone time to recharge. And maybe learn destress methods.

They also need to be encouraged a lot in what they do well, since the world might beat them down for what they don't do well, so they need a base of self esteem and love. And that they are not lazy or stupid even if some people might think so.

A HSP is a highly sensitive person. It is a concept but not a diagnosis.

What HSP and AS have in common is they have weak filters through the surroundings, it is called low latent inhibition. Like you are born AS you are born HSP. You also take in more information, can feel overwhelmed and usually good details. Both can also be sensitive to say itchy clothes and bright light. Both can be easily stressed and have high stress levels if pushed to rush or similar. Both are interested in responsibility and going a good job. Can be perfectionist. Changes are hard. Wants to plan in advance.

What might be present in AS but maybe not in HSP:

Bad or different social skills
Not reading people's faces well
Might stim (HSP fidget sometimes though)
Has a more narrow interest base (especially boys)
AS might have worse organizing skills
Bigger differences between what the Aspie is good and bad at


HSP traits that are not necessarily AS traits:

Affected by other people's moods, feels what the other person feels
Self reflecting and have as much of a life inside as outside his/her head
Hates pain, hates hunger
Often careful as a child, sometimes shy
Sensitive to TV news or even emotional/violent movies
Often manages school and work but can be nervous about it

I hope this cleared it up a little.

[hamster-bamster]

That is lot of information, thanks. One big thiing seems to be a difference in processing. And reacting to external stimuli.

[hamster-bamster]

GP said that Aspergers is unpredictable but in general older fathers are an increaased risk of ASD, and the guy under consideration is 47.

[Sila]

Honestly. You seem so insistent on the potential of a kid having ASD at all, as if it'd be a deal breaker. If you aren't ready for the potential consequences of child rearing then maybe you shouldn't have one? Just my thoughts.

Also, I don't think there's any solid research saying older men or younger men are any more or less likely to have an effect on whether or not a child develops autism.

[hamster-bamster]

That is good to know.

[-jimi-]

How you inherit AS is not straightforward. My uncle is probably AS, my dad is probably HSP as my brother plus my dad is a geek. My mom is very very slight autistic but mostly ADD. No one but me is diagnosed. My grampa was probably AS and his mother was unusual.

Autism seems sometimes be less inherited but maybe because a LFA might not have many babies. Despite that autism seems to pop up more sporadically there are many families that has a kid with AS and a kid with autism. So it seems in some families it leads only to AS and in some families with AS it can lead to autism as well.

So in some cases a person with AS can have a child with autism.

Also the Genius Gene bank created a kid with autism. So intelligence might be a risk factor.