[H3rmit]

I don't understand people, and I would like to have some rules of thumb or way of evaluating situations with people so that I can function better. I presume other people in this forum have had similar problems, so I would really appreciate their advice.

Situations with people usually go one of two ways. Either I don't know what to say, so I end up nervously babbling or clamming up. The babbling is not good because it doesn't make a good conversation, and the silence is not good for the same reason. And with the babbling I feel a lot of regret later for being so stupid. It would be nice if in the silence I could make intelligent observations and understand something of the people and interactions going on, but this is precisely what is missing. I can't make sense of people. WHY?

When I read about Aspergers, I thought, "Wow, there's a name for people like me." I have numerous reasons to hink the pattern fits me, despite decades of struggling to overcome, but I won't bore you with too much talk about me-me-me.

How do you classify people or interpret what they are doing to make sense of how you should respond? External responses. It will be hours, days, or often years before I get an inkling of why something I said was "wrong." Yet my first strategy was to say nothing and avoid everyone because I didn't know who to trust. That results in a lot of loneliness. I don't have a framework for dealing with people. Non-human animals are simpler, but the complex social behaviours of humans seem to be beyond me. Help! What have you learned?

[Hellion]

I am usually pretty quiet around new people I might say something after a while if I get comfortable enough and feel it's relevent to something. If I just started talking I don't think I'd like the results....some people think I don't want to be included in the conversation or whatever they don't realize if they said something to me I'd probably be quite open and join in but otherwise its really difficult.

Also I am quite sure my lack of eye contact does not give the best impression to everyone and some people don't get that I can't its not like I just don't its actually physically difficult.

I guess I tend to just avoid most people, and try to mostly deal with people who don't care about social niceties like that or at least understand I have difficulties with social interaction and are ok with it. I have no idea how to really improve social functioning I have found ways to make up for some of the issues I have with it but I still run into quite a few inconviniances like not being able to approach people I don't know to talk to them unless they talk to me first was not good in college when I didn't have a pencil and of course couldn't ask someone around me to borrow one.

[H3rmit]

Thanks for reply, Hellion. I don't have a problem with factual or task-oriented stuff with people, or asking for help/directions/pencil in a situation where it's reasonable they should help me, like if it's their job or whatever. A thing I find that works is start with, "Excuse me . . ." Of course the casual way between young people would probably be just, "Hey, can I borrow a pencil?" But I tend to be more polite. Probably doesn't look as weird as it used to, because I'm now a lot older than my classmates. (Mature student.)

My problem is with any social niceties. I'm clueless because I can't understand what's important to them and how to accommodate that - and also be myself, of course. Anything social, no go. People who are social seem to talk about nothing that's relevant, and yet they make friends from that. I don't understand. I'm just uncomfortable around people. Social things are not task-oriented, it seems.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

Thanks for reply, Hellion. I don't have a problem with factual or task-oriented stuff with people, or asking for help/directions/pencil in a situation where it's reasonable they should help me, like if it's their job or whatever. A thing I find that works is start with, "Excuse me . . ." Of course the casual way between young people would probably be just, "Hey, can I borrow a pencil?" But I tend to be more polite. Probably doesn't look as weird as it used to, because I'm now a lot older than my classmates. (Mature student.)

My problem is with any social niceties. I'm clueless because I can't understand what's important to them and how to accommodate that - and also be myself, of course. Anything social, no go. People who are social seem to talk about nothing that's relevant, and yet they make friends from that. I don't understand. I'm just uncomfortable around people. Social things are not task-oriented, it seems.

Well this is weird but its like I physically cannot start talking to someone unless I know them at lest somewhat. So I would not be able to say excuse me unless I spent around 10 minutes or longer trying to force myself...but yeah even in grade school this was an issue sometimes I ended up not really eating my lunch because no tables where open and I couldn't go ask to sit with people in elementary school sometimes that was decided for us so it was easier but like in high school I couldn't really go up to a group of kids I don't know and ask to sit with them....and I really didn't know a lot of people since i had no friends and people either ignored my existance or where jerks for the most part.

I am pretty clueless about all that as well...I don't really do small talk because I don't know how to talk about random nonsense that seems to be without a point. I am much better at more meaningful conversations and I can also play along with BS conversations....like me, my dad and my brother tricked my sister by being really convincing that the spanish term for danger I think was actually a small creature and the signs were to indicate to watch out for it. Though actually it was a danger sign in both english and spanish and we had her going but then we all ended up laughing too much so that sort of gave it way we had her convinced for a good 10 minutes though.

[H3rmit]

> I don't really do small talk because I don't know how to talk about random nonsense that seems to be without a point.

I've learned (read) that the point is to size up the other person and get a feel for them. What is actually said is somewhat ritualized - safe topics. Makes sense; avoiding conflicts. You could go outside right now and start asking people "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Or whatever, just for practise. Then when you need to do it, it becomes easier. I know it's hard at first. Just like it's hard for me to say, "Hi. How do you like the class," or whatever, because I don't know how to evaluate people. It's uncomfortable.

[Hellion]

So far I have found I can go into certain places where social interaction can occur and sometimes I end up talking to people that way. But yeah it could just be something that maybe practicing would help, its just the feeling of it being physically impossible that I can't quite figure out how to get around.

I could see if my therapist has any ideas about it or any suggestions on what to do about it, but I don't know how many people feel physically unable to initiate interaction or if its been studied or whatever. I mean its like I could walk up to someone and then I wouldn't be able to say anything so I'd end up just walking away or something at least that is how my practice has gone in the past.

[CantExplain]

One very important thing to remember is that neurotypicals face a lot of the same problems we do. I say to my neurotypical wife, "What just happened?" and she says, "I don't understand it either."

Sometimes I can't read faces or gestures, but no one else can read them either.

I think a lot of Aspie distress comes from the idea that humans ought to be predictable. If we can accept that humans are not predictable, and that everyone misreads them, we may not feel so bad.

[H3rmit]

> If we can accept that humans are not predictable, and that everyone misreads them, we may not feel so bad.

Good point. And also that those people that think they can read my mind are wrong. Anyway, given people are unpredictable, how do we proceed?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

Anyway, given people are unpredictable, how do we proceed?

Good question! "Cautiously", I guess.

[beadlady29]

good questoin.............reckon that is y we dont harly ever leave the house/go places where their is other pplse...........we are ummmmm scaird of them adn scaird to talk to them. it is even scarey far us to go to grocry store adn have to takl to teh checkuot person. so we avoid goign anywhere that we dont have to. we has a homevisitign nurse adn doctor and a home health care worker what comes out twice a week to help with cleaning adn self-care etc......our goodest freind is n ot another person it is our service dog boo.

[-jimi-]

I tend to babble. I feel stupid sometimes for it because it's just low quality talk. But then I think of what the other person said. Most of the time they babble too. They don't seem to mind. Those that seem to mind still think I am "outgoing", and because it is what is fancied in our society, I get away with being annoying because deep inside they feel that "outgoing" is a good thing. Also people don't really care that much what others say I notice. Or even remember. What they care about is more how you present yourself, and many people with AS will always appear different, it's kind of hard getting around that.

[beadlady29]

yes jimi.............far beads to, it pretty much is imposbel to get aruond the thign wear somehow pplsw. just seem to no nur difrent w/out knowign anythign abuot u r met u befoer........................dotn get it..........................
liek does beads have a sign on her head r back r what??!! that one a teh reasons we just avoid ppls.

I go to place where people are prevalent, like at the movie theater. I usually try to find some social function that has my interest, like the movies. I don't talk to people unless they start the conversation. Usually small talk, I can do that, and listen very carefully (or pretend to); but when it's my turn, it's a little tricky. Sometimes I can't articulate a sentence, other times I just say the absolute minimum, and try to reign myself in if I feel I keep going on and on. It takes a lot out of me mentally, i always feel exhuasted after conversing with someone.

However I don't seem to have that problem with my mother, even for the smallest insignificant thing I tell her, it comes out so natual, without hesitation, except when I'm being lectured. I guess it's different, because I know her, and she knows me well. I cannot connect with anyone els in my family like that, unless we have some shared interest; but that has faded overtime.

[H3rmit]

> just seem to no nur difrent w/out knowign anythign abuot u r met u befoer........................dotn get it..........................
liek does beads have a sign on her head r back r what??!!

I think I understand what you're saying -- people identify us as different. In my case it' s not always immediate, but eventually the pie hits the fan. I found for things like going to the store, just standing up straight and wearing tidy clothes makes a huge difference. For superficial situations like that, if you just play a role you can usually fit in. It takes some effort at first.

My problem, though is with people you are supposed to get to know over time, like co-workers and classmates. There always ends up being some unbridgeable gap. Nothing can develop beyond superficial it seems. That really hurts.

[beadlady29]

oooooooooooooooooooooooob iws still our number 1 freind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mary

[CantExplain]

Aspies can make good, lasting relationships. But it takes time. Strangers are always going to be a problem.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Aspies can make good, lasting relationships. But it takes time. Strangers are always going to be a problem.

Not necessarily. Strangers aren't a huge problem for me at all, after years of struggle and learning. I don't want them touching me, but as people they aren't a problem. The problem is they will remain strangers after I work with them for years. I cannot make friends. It's very strange.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

Not necessarily. Strangers aren't a huge problem for me at all, after years of struggle and learning. I don't want them touching me, but as people they aren't a problem. The problem is they will remain strangers after I work with them for years. I cannot make friends. It's very strange.

Hmmm... Maybe I should just speak for myself.

[-jimi-]

I can make friends but also I have come across people who have been worth befriending. I know it's sometimes pure luck. When you find people like that they will want to be your friend also. Most people are not interested in friendship as I see it.

[beadlady29]

sorry hermit, yes u r rite,,,,,,it does hurteds, adn beads does unnerstand. we cant seem to make freinds either,,,,generally dotn want to i think mostly becuz we r so afraid of ppls reckon. to scaird ususaly to even start a conversatoin with 'new ppls'.
well, anyways, it seems to be easeier online.
marysue