I am having behavior problems with my Asperger's teenager and I don't know how many of these problems are related to the Asperger's, how many are from being a teenager, and now many are because he is male. He is 15 and will be 16 in July. I work at home. When I am at work, he feels as though he has the run of the house and can do basically anything he wants. He is supposed to ask permission to watch tv and play on the computer because he often goes overboard on these things, but he generally doesn't. When you call him on it, he gets mad and stomps away. He likes to mince words. I know this is something Asperger's do....a lot of you guys are very specific when it comes to the meaning of words and have issues with abstract or figurative meanings, but I don't know if he gets it or is doing it on purpose.

The other day he was using my cell phone as a graphing calculator. He was told to not go to any other app and to not put the sound on. He would shut the sound off and the instant I turned away it would be back on. I caught him attempting to put his ear buds in it and I told him not to plug it in, two seconds later, he's sitting there with my phone with the ear buds in his ears and the plug for the ear buds within an inch from my phone. He was waiting for me to turn my back so he could plug it in. It is as though my instructions don't mean anything unless I'm right there enforcing them. His answer when I confronted him was "I wasn't doing it right then."

I caught him messing with his dad's computer just a little while ago...he ran out of the room in a flash and it's the only reason he would have had for being in there. I asked him what he was doing on the computer. I denied being on it, four or five times. I finally got him to fess up when I threatened to take away things. Then, a bit later, he asked to get on another computer and I told him no, because of the problems I'd had earlier with him messing with a computer he wasn't supposed to. His reply, "but it was a different computer." I understand that reasoning but I need to figure out ways to combat it.

My son has an extremely good memory. He can quote from things he's concerned with. He took geometry in 8th grade in school, but when he doesn't do something you ask him to, his excuse is always "I forgot.". He has the same chores every night, but I have to ask him specifically to do them every night or he won't. A few nights ago, I worked late and I asked him if he did his chores and he told me yes. When my husband got home, he noticed they hadn't been done. When I mentioned it to him the next day, his reason was "you didn't tell me to do that". He has the same chores to do every night. He doesn't or doesn't want to generalize that he has the same chores every night and I shouldn't have to directly tell him to do them.

I believe I understand the Asperger's mindset fairly well. I've done a lot of reading and I'm a school teacher who's taught other Asperger's kids. I'm also very analytical myself and may have a tad of Asperger's traits. Any suggestions you have would be appreciated, however. We've done chore check off lists in the past and I thought he'd gotten better but maybe they need to come back out. I have a very hard time properly disciplining him due to problems I had with overdiscipline growing up, but I need for him to work with me, and I'm having a lot of problems right now.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Maranara

He likes to mince words. I know this is something Asperger's do....a lot of you guys are very specific when it comes to the meaning of words and have issues with abstract or figurative meanings, but I don't know if he gets it or is doing it on purpose.
...
It is as though my instructions don't mean anything unless I'm right there enforcing them. His answer when I confronted him was "I wasn't doing it right then."
...
My son has an extremely good memory. He can quote from things he's concerned with. He took geometry in 8th grade in school, but when he doesn't do something you ask him to, his excuse is always "I forgot.".
...
He doesn't or doesn't want to generalize that he has the same chores every night and I shouldn't have to directly tell him to do them.
...
I have a very hard time properly disciplining him due to problems I had with overdiscipline growing up, but I need for him to work with me, and I'm having a lot of problems right now.

I don't have kids, but I remember being one. I also have an AS (autism spectrum) husband that is enough younger (and therefore less experienced) than me that people often assume he is my son. So, I have dealt with some of these problems before, albeit with a young adult rather than a teenager.

The mincing words is an unconscious defence mechanism, as well as plain ignorance, IMO. But mince this: the difference between an excuse and a good reason.

The memory and forgetting thing, oh, yeah, bigtime. It boiled down to, in my case, he was not placing enough importance on the chores so easily forgotten. He's since grown up and realized it's not fair to me and it's nice to have a clean house that runs smoothly. I harped on that a bit - systems! We are systems thinkers, often, and the house has a system, and you play your part if you are a grownup. Your son is on the cusp of being a grown-up, but is he aware of that? Specifically how to draw his attention - well, repeated conversations about responsibility and growing up is about as specific as I can be. Draw attention to his excellent memory for other things, and call BS on the forgetting. It's neglecting, not forgetting. Since he's not stupid, he doesn't need to act stupid.

When you grow up, you remember to do maintenance things. Time for him to grow up, brush his teeth, comb his hair, and do those communal chores as well as following the reasonable rules of the house. You could always ask him if he has a better system than you do. Maybe he will come up with something more efficient. If not, your way rules. This gives him a chance to own it, at which point he may appreciate that your way works well.

The above may sound harsh, but it is reasonable and can be said calmly.

[lostinbooks]

I think he is using the mincing words thing as an excuse. I do that with my husband. but somehow know enough not to do it at work.

[Inedible]

Originally Posted by Maranara

He is supposed to ask permission to watch tv and play on the computer because he often goes overboard on these things, but he generally doesn't.

I'd be difficult to get along with, too, if I had to ask permission to watch TV or use the computer.

Originally Posted by Inedible

I'd be difficult to get along with, too, if I had to ask permission to watch TV or use the computer.

It has been an ongoing rule since he was very very little and it's in place for a reason, not to be unfair. He will get in to the controls of the computer or tv and change all of the settings or start deleting recorded shows that aren't his, and if he interacts too much with AV stuff he gets irritable and cranky and won't sleep at night. Electronics is his obsession.

We've tried other ways to control this as well but this has been the only way we've come up with so far, and we only have one tv with no intention of buying others. As for computer, he doesn't have his own and we've told him we'll get him his own if he follows the rules and shows us we can trust him long enough to warrant it and he can't seem to do that, and until that happens the computer isn't going to happen, and he knows that.

Originally Posted by H3rmit

The above may sound harsh, but it is reasonable and can be said calmly.

I don't mind being harsh but I want to be fair and I unfortunately lack judgement in this area. My husband is a much better disciplinarian than I am, but he is almost never home right now.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I don't mind being harsh but I want to be fair and I unfortunately lack judgement in this area. My husband is a much better disciplinarian than I am, but he is almost never home right now.

Well, I don't think what I said was harsh, but often people think I am harsh - because they say so.

>Electronics is his obsession.

Great - is he interested in electrical engineering? Perhaps he would be interested in learning to use a gate array. Perhaps he should have a way to explore electronics more deeply without messing with other people's property. There are options at every level. Perhaps this could be channeled constructively? Does he like physics? Lots of great physics demos on the net for electricity/magnetism, which relates to electronics.

Tangential - I also need to channel my obsessions constructively. Right now I'm kind of hooked on that jigidi puzzle site that was recommended to you. I am analyzing what is so entrancing there. It's something to do with images and comparing colours and lines - contrasts. Maybe I will pick up a paintbrush again, but for now I am creating puzzles like a demon. (Not so much doing them, but that is also tempting.)

We're working on channeling it constructively. It's been hard. He was in an engineering class in school and was more obsessed with trivial things than the class itself. His obsession is leaning in the direction of downloading/creating videos and possibly web design. He lacks patience right now. He likes to be able to do something and see instant results. He needs his own computer so we don't have to worry about the integrity of the others. His birthday is in July and we'll probably get one for him then and go from there. If anyone knows any good sites or programs that fit his area of interest that don't cost too much, please offer suggestions.

My daughter has Asperger's too and she is also 15, It can be very frustrating at times, My daughter can be very demanding at times so I do understand, She also has selective Mutisim and is very obsessive on a certain pop group atm, I am waiting for her to be put on a statement at school which I had to apply for myself the school should of done this ages a go, We can't get any help really until this happens.

My daughter becomes very frustrated and won't even go to school on her own.

Originally Posted by Buttercup..

My daughter has Asperger's too and she is also 15, It can be very frustrating at times, My daughter can be very demanding at times so I do understand, She also has selective Mutisim and is very obsessive on a certain pop group atm, I am waiting for her to be put on a statement at school which I had to apply for myself the school should of done this ages a go, We can't get any help really until this happens.

My daughter becomes very frustrated and won't even go to school on her own.

My son doesn't mind going to school and has actually made a friend or two. The problem lies in his working. He is obsessed with the computer. Whenever he is on one he's thinking of everything he wants to do and not his work. He lies to us about homework and such as well. Luckily, we have an advocate who helps us keep track of his work. He's definitely the type, however, who learns much much better on his own than he will ever do in a formal setting.

[H3rmit]

I can understand wanting the instant visible results, for sure. Is he aware of his tendency to focus on details rather than making goals? It could be a lifelong thing to work on as it has been for me - I wish I had known that earlier, though.

Looks like there's no FreeGeek in Idaho. Too bad. If you ever go to Portland, though, definitely drop by there. Cheap but good computers and computer geek heaven. Is there a special reason you have to wait to his birthday for him to have his own computer? Every kid has one nowadays, so it almost seems like a hardship. Of course he needs to do his homework before playing on the computer too much.

Craigslist sometimes has free computers. I don't see any on the Boise craigslist right now. (In the free category.)

My husband wants to build him one.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Maranara

My husband wants to build him one.

Sounds like a good project for an excellent computer for multimedia - is your son excited about this? Or would he rather have a "beater" right now? Just a thought, not an actual inquiry.

Anyway, you still have the disciplinary problem, which seems to be what is really bothering you now.

We've also always waited to give special things on special days, and as much as he may want one, it's not a gigantic hardship since he's never had one. His obsession is gigantic. He was defragging and crashing computers when he was 3 years old. He's always been more concerned with the innards, settings and such than the actual programs or games. It's been a challenge......and you're right. The main concern now is the discipline.