[Hoppery]

Well, social services is giving me a weekly budget of money and I can spend it on things to improve my life. I'm very poor with social skills although I can usually mask this very well. So I'm getting a support worker aka a befriender to basically, be my friend and take me out to wherever I want to go and do whatever I want to do. This is all great but I am unsure how to start a friendship with this person and how to keep it, when I do begin to meet them. Last time I had a befriender, I went out with them almost straight away and I know this was a mistake. It cost me a sort of friend. Sorry if I'm going on but i'm a little worried that it won't go well again. I've had friends (Not genuine) on and off, but this is different. I could be getting this person for many years. So to get it to last I need to start off right, so advice on starting up a friendship correctly would be nice and just advice in general on this topic. Thank you for taking the time to read

[manwithnofriends]

idk about this, I feel for you mate.

[Hoppery]

Anyone got a helpful answer?

[manwithnofriends]

Maybe the "helpful" answer you're looking for is quite obvious. There isn't one. You can't control the outcome of events. Everyone is different. You just have to be you in these kind of situations. Trying to pretend you're someone else just to get a friend... it's called deceit.

[-jimi-]

When I had a similar contact we looked for interests in common. Came out she had about none of my interests. The only we had in common was taking walks so we did that together. Needless to say I didn't keep her for long, it was too boring. But I think it's still a place to start, seeing if there is something you might want to do together.

[phaset]

Maybe you could discuss this with the support worker when you meet them?

[rosska]

I'm the wrong person to give advice on this sort of thing. The last time I made a new friend was years ago and I threw a lighter at their head.

[catsrhelm]

My advice is start off slow and take it slow. Also I recently had to explain to my husband that some friendships are destined to end, but that new ones are always around the corner.

[Hoppery]

Originally Posted by manwithnofriends

Maybe the "helpful" answer you're looking for is quite obvious. There isn't one. You can't control the outcome of events. Everyone is different. You just have to be you in these kind of situations. Trying to pretend you're someone else just to get a friend... it's called deceit.

^ ^ ^
Maybe your answers are not actually helpful? Ever thought of that? Perhaps look into what a support worker is before answering.

As for the rest of answers, thanks.

[-jimi-]

Originally Posted by rosska

I'm the wrong person to give advice on this sort of thing. The last time I made a new friend was years ago and I threw a lighter at their head.

I know I shouldn't laugh but I have to.

Anyway, you can throw lighters at me, it's OK and not too painful. You seem awesome otherwise. Most of you guys are awesome.

[-jimi-]

OK, short question to OP, you said you went out first thing with the old contact and it wasn't a good idea. I don't get what going out means in this context.

[Hoppery]

Originally Posted by jimi...

OK, short question to OP, you said you went out first thing with the old contact and it wasn't a good idea. I don't get what going out means in this context.

Go out as in take a walk outside, go outside.

[-jimi-]

Ah, OK. What happened to make it not so good?

[Hoppery]

Originally Posted by jimi...

Ah, OK. What happened to make it not so good?

The person was a student, it was from a charity. One was on her phone the whole time and the other was in my face the whole time.

[phaset]

Is the new one from the same organization?

It doesn't sound like the first one should have been on the phone at all with you. What do you mean about the second one being in your face? Were they aggressive?

[rosska]

Originally Posted by jimi...

I know I shouldn't laugh but I have to.

Anyway, you can throw lighters at me, it's OK and not too painful. You seem awesome otherwise. Most of you guys are awesome.

Hahaha! It's ok, I laughed at it myself too. I get so awkward around people I don't know very well, and usually in an attempt to 'be cool' I end up going the complete opposite direction. Thankfully he didn't hold it against me and we are now good friends, but yeah it doesn't say much when the first time you meet somebody they throw something at your head.

Thank you! You seem very nice too.

[Hoppery]

Originally Posted by phaset

Is the new one from the same organization?

It doesn't sound like the first one should have been on the phone at all with you. What do you mean about the second one being in your face? Were they aggressive?

No, social services are giving me funding to pay for a private one from a company. The one in my face all the time wasn't aggressive, just too friendly. And yes there is such a thing! Infact, she babied me.

[Junerain]

Definately be yourself, ask questions about the person you are assigned to, show a genuine interest in their life, share about your own life...start with less personal discussion, work up to sharing deeper things...have faith that this arrangement can work, can be an emotional support for you, even be someone who understands and respects where you are coming from


I wish you the best, you sound like a great person

[Lauliza]

One thing I can suggest too is to just be straight with the person (if you aren't already) when you first meet. As in saying "I get very frustrated because I feel like I don't don't know how to act around other people and never know what to say. I really need your help with this, can you do this?".

The job of these support workers is just what's stated in this question. Their job is not to just hang out with you and act like they are your friend. It is certainly not to text while they are with you and also not to coddle you. They are supposed to be a mentor who provides practical social skills training. This is best done out in the community, not sitting in an office though. The point is that you'll eventually become less anxious and able to socialize on your own

If your support person is lousy, do you have the option to go to the agency and request a new one immediately?

[Hoppery]

Originally Posted by amee200

One thing I can suggest too is to just be straight with the person (if you aren't already) when you first meet. As in saying "I get very frustrated because I feel like I don't don't know how to act around other people and never know what to say. I really need your help with this, can you do this?".

The job of these support workers is just what's stated in this question. Their job is not to just hang out with you and act like they are your friend. It is certainly not to text while they are with you and also not to coddle you. They are supposed to be a mentor who provides practical social skills training. This is best done out in the community, not sitting in an office though. The point is that you'll eventually become less anxious and able to socialize on your own

If your support person is lousy, do you have the option to go to the agency and request a new one immediately?

Oh okay. Well my social worker has me under the impression of that they are there to take me out ect.. And A. has told me to tell my social worker if I need a new support worker because its not working out. He told me don't take second best. So I'm guessing I can get a new one if need be.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by Hoppery

Oh okay. Well my social worker has me under the impression of that they are there to take me out ect.. And A. has told me to tell my social worker if I need a new support worker because its not working out. He told me don't take second best. So I'm guessing I can get a new one if need be.

I'm sorry, I may not have worded that quite right. Since you are in the UK and I am in the US, their role may be a tad different but my guess is not too different. My daughter has Asperger's and this service is available to us as well.

They are there to take you out, etc. that is true. I don't like to think of it as only for that reason because that makes it sound as if this is the only way you will find friends, and I don't believe that is true. Since you don't have anyone now, it definitely fits that purpose and so it's important that you and this person bond. But their companionship is there for another purpose. It provides you with a hands on learning experience.

This service person/companion is a safe place to use trial and error. For my daughter, I make her pay for her own things in the store sometimes (with my money) so she learns how to interact. I tell her before hand to look at the person hand them the money and say thank you when it's done. She hates it and doesn't always do everything, but we repeat it every time.

You are older so you will be doing other things depending on where you're at, but this is my understanding of what you should be getting out of this. And A. is right. Do not settle for second best since if you don't like this person, they won't be able to help you. Sometimes if you know what may appeal to you in a person you might be able to tell the agency and they can look for your "type". It's not the same I know, but my daughter is a pre teen girl so for mentors (and even her psychiatrist!) I actually requested a young, attractive female if possible and I've been given what I ask for...

Sorry if I'm overstepping a boundary but I think it's important that you get exactly what you need, since there is so much you can learn with the right help.

[Hoppery]

There is no boundary that you are over stepping. Thank you for explaining it more to me. I don't actually go out right now except to my dads grave and to horse ride. This is cause people report me to the police for acting suspicious and now I am very careful when going out and about. If I buy anything in a shop, I plan to hand in notes asking if theres change or asking for what I need cause I've been escorted and stalked around by security staff out of a shop before. So I plan to totally avoid talking with them. Would the support worker make me actually talk or interact with shop staff?

And what do I expect when out and about, do they teach me things at random or is there a secret plan behind just seeming to 'be there'? What other things will they learn me? I feel like if I don't know what kind of things I should be looking out for that their doing with me, that I won't be able to learn cause knowing me I'm so socially blind that I wouldn't know its what they were trying to do. And I don't even know where to start in a new relationship. With A. It's easy. He does the starting to talk and I chip in when needed, once I get started he mostly can't shut me up! Although I suspect sometimes, I won't be so talkative and he'll feel like it's like getting blood out of a stone (Never understood this saying). I usually sit in silence doing jigsaws with them, only speaking to tell them that I think their piece goes over there. I don't do any kind of other talking, unless they ask me things and even then I only answer. Maybe that's why they kinda zone out and go on their phones or get in my face. Or maybe this new support worker will be all like Oh geeze, it's like I wrote another essay. I even made that joke with A. Sorry for it being long, never intended it to be this huge!

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by Hoppery

There is no boundary that you are over stepping. Thank you for explaining it more to me. I don't actually go out right now except to my dads grave and to horse ride. This is cause people report me to the police for acting suspicious and now I am very careful when going out and about. If I buy anything in a shop, I plan to hand in notes asking if theres change or asking for what I need cause I've been escorted and stalked around by security staff out of a shop before. So I plan to totally avoid talking with them. Would the support worker make me actually talk or interact with shop staff?

And what do I expect when out and about, do they teach me things at random or is there a secret plan behind just seeming to 'be there'? What other things will they learn me? I feel like if I don't know what kind of things I should be looking out for that their doing with me, that I won't be able to learn cause knowing me I'm so socially blind that I wouldn't know its what they were trying to do. And I don't even know where to start in a new relationship. With A. It's easy. He does the starting to talk and I chip in when needed, once I get started he mostly can't shut me up! Although I suspect sometimes, I won't be so talkative and he'll feel like it's like getting blood out of a stone (Never understood this saying). I usually sit in silence doing jigsaws with them, only speaking to tell them that I think their piece goes over there. I don't do any kind of other talking, unless they ask me things and even then I only answer. Maybe that's why they kinda zone out and go on their phones or get in my face. Or maybe this new support worker will be all like Oh geeze, it's like I wrote another essay. I even made that joke with A. Sorry for it being long, never intended it to be this huge!

I don't think any support person can force you to do anything, they can only make suggestions. My knowledge is based more on what would be done with a kid, and in that case the "agenda" of the worker is not specified. But that's because kids don't often get the reason behind it. With you there may be a plan but it wouldn't be a secret. Adults should know what skill set they are working on in order to practice and hopefully make progress. There has to be a desire for progress though.

A lot of what I wrote about depends on a persons level of functioning however. You say you don't go out except to ride or see your dad. Based on that they may just be a support for you so you become more comfortable in public places, and also to help you tend to your needs. Whether or not they move onto any skill building depends on your progress and comfort level.

You should continue to think about what you want to see change in your life and how this can happen. If sounds like your doctor is supportive of this so it's great to have him as a resource.

You mention you ride. Do you ever consider asking this person to go visit the horse with you. That's something that could open up a lot of conversation.
My daughter also loves to ride. She said her horse is one of her best friends.

[Hoppery]

Err. I don't really know what I want to be honest. I don't even know who I am meant to be. I stay silent because I don't know what to say. I can't visit the stables that I ride at because i'm having huge amounts of trouble with the yard manager there. She has been not wanting to accept that I have any of the disabilities that I have.
A. is trying to sort it out with me.

Originally Posted by amee200

I don't think any support person can force you to do anything, they can only make suggestions. My knowledge is based more on what would be done with a kid, and in that case the "agenda" of the worker is not specified. But that's because kids don't often get the reason behind it.

It all depends on what you want to get out of it. Do you want to be more socially aware and more comfortable? Do you stay silent because you don't know what to say, or because you don't have the desire to converse? You have to be interested in other people to truly have a relationship. Everyone is different so if you have to identify what you hope to get from the arrangement. Once you know you should communicate that to them.

You mention you ride. Do you ever consider asking this person to go visit the horse with you. That's something that could open up a lot of conversation.