[CalmingOcean]

About you growing up

Okay here's why I ask, not to be offensive in any way as I believe my husband may have Aspergers, but in addition to this, my sons doctor believes he may be on the scale.

So I don't want to screw him up. I am already dealing with my own diagnosis and my dissociation may of played a part in his development I just don't want to make it worse for him by not understanding.

[Travelinglady]

I would think the children would want their parents to know as much as they can about them and work with their treatment professionals to help them to get along well and to the highest of their skills.

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

I would think the children would want their parents to know as much as they can about them and work with their treatment professionals to help them to get along well and to the highest of their skills.

I'm scared he's going to get to smart for me and get frustrated. I didn't do so well learning and growing up. I just want to do all I can for him to make sure he doesn't feel isolated from society the way I did as a kid.

[HJ99]

My brother has 4 kids, the 3 boys are all on the high end of the autism spectrum. If your son is on the spectrum then he is, simple as that. Your diagnosis is just making it more difficult for you to adapt to him it does not make it any harder for him. A child on the spectrum (depending on their level) have their own way of perceiving the world. Even the best scientific minds in the world cant even fully understand autism yet. It is most definitely not about how much learning you have done. All kids, autistic or not, at some point will be smarter than their parents and get frustrated. Although my brother's boys are all more or less on the same numeric level of autism they are all very different in the things they like and don't like. The important thing is that you take note about what his passion (obsession) is, that is then what you focus on and you can also shape his learning and social interaction around that.

I am making these comment however without knowing his diagnosis, age. Only based on dealing with children with Asperger's and autism on a personal and to some extent professional basis (mostly based on my observations living with my brother and his boys for more than 6 months).

The best of luck to you because I have seen first hand how bloody hard it can be for the parents (in my eyes the forgotten heroes)

I wish people would stop trying to "make sense of it". I do not think NTs will ever fully understand me and neither will I understand them. I'm okay with that. I just want to be accepted for me-I want to learn things but I never want to be "normal".

I also wish people would stop talking about vaccinations, cures, that type of stuff. I do not see a problem with myself. Even though things bother me, I live my life to adapt to it.

Here is something I do not understand:

Girls cry when their boyfriends leave yet the next day they go and find another so it can happen allover again. Weird. [Insight from my world to your's]

[eskielover]

I would suggest reading all you can on it.....one book that I found extremely helpful is The complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood.

I was married for 33 years to a guy who I'm sure was dealing with Asperger's......reading the book, it gave me so many ah ha moments that explained exactly what the issues were that caused the serious problems in the marriage.

Asperger's wasn't even known about or DX'ed until he was in his 40's & it wasn't something that they even dx'ed adults with at that time either. It wasn't actually until 7 years ago after I finally left that one of my T's suggested that he might possibly be dealing with asperger's because of the issues that I was describing.....& I actually put it aside until just a few months ago when I started reading about it.

My personal view is that his issues were mainly attitude & communication problems.....& even someone with Asperger's can learn that just because they have a high IQ doesn't make them any better or smarter than anyone else......he was only smart in one area & that was math.....he couldn't problem solve a thing in his life.......I initially blamed his parents for never teaching him how to deal with finances or how to solve problems & he had absolutely NO common sense. I do believe that parents can focus on teaching these things no matter how their children actually look at things.....it doesn't mean that parents can't teach a child within their ways of thinking to learn how to deal with things.....it takes more time & patience. Yes, they may have things that cause them to have problems but they can be taught to deal with them & recognize them within their own mind's limitations.......they don't have to just be allowed to blindly have to figure it out on their own.

I think that reading that book can help understand what the differences can be & help guide them through those differences & grow from them, not make them into a battle throughout life.

Doubt that ex would ever be Dx'ed with Asperger's by his age at 62.....& sadly, he's messed up his life in a huge & who knows where he will end up because of the direction his life went in.....but he made it impossible to EVER continue tolerating or living under the same roof & escaping from the life I was in was my only choice if I wasn't going to allow him to destroy me along the way.

I recognized red flags before I ever got married when I was 21 & he was 22....but had no idea what we were really dealing with....& it came across at that time as extreme immaturity.....which he never was able to change & it seemed the older he got, the worse he got & the more stresses that hit his life the less he could handle......at this point, sadly it's almost as if he can't even care for himself & definitely incapable of caring for himself financially.....but it's where his life is & APS refuses to get help for him because he's capable of making decisions whether good or bad....it's his problem.....& had no idea whether social security was willing to provide the payee & requested for him....(I am still working on getting the divorce but from 2100 miles away & with someone who is incapable of communicating....it's NOT the easiest thing to do either).

Teaching children how best to cope in the world given the way their mind works.....then need to learn skills that they can handle & understand to deal with their lives rather than to make it worse.....& I'm sure it's possible....& maybe getting a good T who is well versed on dealing with children with Asperger's would also be a good place to turn....but it's good to educate yourself & to understand & ask questions & be a good observer of your child so that you can make the best choices in teaching them helpful skills.

[-jimi-]

For your son. Appreciate him for who he is and for being your child.

My parents were quite harsh on me for not being like "everybody else" and they rarely supported me in doing what I was good at. It didn't matter to them as they'd rather just have a "normal child".

Being accepted for who you are is IMPORTANT.

That said, many people with Asperger's use words where others use nonverbals. Never ignore things said in a calm voice if the content is of a serious nature. Try not to assume what he thinks and feels, my parents did that and were wrong most of the time, still they claimed they knew and I did not know my thoughts and feelings. Which I of course did.

I wish my parents had known I was just as worthy as any of the other kids around.

[Lexi232]

My very first diagnosis was Autism when i was 4yr. my family fought it though... leading through a massive list of misdiagnosis' during my entire school life. it wasn't until the past year that they finally started accepting that the doctors were right.. however they dont appolize...
I think with being on the spectrum, there area lot of things that happen, which can be misunderstood, and seen as something different. Leading to an almost impossible hill for the child to climb and to accomplish. Because certain ways to do things, aren't the ways that help. What others see as a tantrum, and can and should be controlled by the kid, or its a behavior problem... is really a meltdown, and by getting mad and adding more stimilus to the kid will only cause things to get worse.. such as disiplining the child while having a meltdown. spanking a kid for what appears to be a tantrum, does nothing more than torment the autisitic child, as it furthers the overbearing stimulis, and another extreme. (that's something that happened quite often for me).
But by having a reason, which gives more understanding, it opens up that area of "well maybe this is managable", because often it's an rough path for both the child and the parents if they aren't able to see what's really happening. such as, a tantrum is associated to a "it's not fair" anger and hurt feeling, and when asked why they are being the way they are, they can clearly state what it is that they want, loud and clear. and tantrums are a behavior issue..
While meltdowns can come on "out of the blue", and the cause might not be able to be determined. But it is uncontrolable, it happens, the sense get totally overwhelmed in the brain, which causes a meltdown. at these times, a child might not be able to explain why, or whats wrong, or even after the meltdown and they are calmed back down, usually they are as confused over it, as you are.
a ton of people thought i would be lieing when i was telling the true about things.. because of my body language, and the fact that i wasn't crying when revealing something tramatic, and sometimes i would laugh inapproapriately. And i wasn't able to understand or figure out, why people wouldn't believe me. in daycare one day i even had a worker chase me down as i was fleeing the overwhelming stimiuls, then yell at me, and because her kid told her i did something that i didn't, she was furious, and told me she knew i was lieing.. after she went on and on, it finally came to a stop when she asked me if i knew how she knew i was lieing, and then told me because i wouldn't look at her.... that left me even more confused, and i withdrew because no one had ever pointed out that i didn't make eye contact... and i didn't know eye contact was one way to be believed. i also got into more trouble for "lieing" because i was trying to tell her how i wasn't lieing. After that they placed me with the 2 year olds group. I was 11-ish.. however, i didn't see that age gap..

I think if my parents would of agreed with it, and didn't pull me up and move everytime someone came to the conclussion of autism about me, then i would of had a lot more progress than where i am currently at.
Such things have an affect on both the mental well-being of the child, and also the parents, or caregivers.
When i was younger, i think Autism was still viewed a lot as like a terminal illness... and rendered the parents into a helpless type of feeling for their children... which no parent wants to feel like they are there on the side lines, and are completely helpless in helping their child.

I think having a diagnosis, adds to the aid and help, along with a greater understanding, in which can then lead to finding ways that work.

Something one of my casemangers said (which is very accurate for me), you just have to know the right questions to ask.
Kind of like:
person 1: do you like coffee?
person 2: kind of
1: what kind do you like?
2: I dont know.
1: do you like decaf coffee?
2: no.
1: do you like hot chocolate coffee?
2: no.
1: well what type of coffee do you like?
2: I dont know..
1: what about pumpkin spice coffee?
2: no.
1: do you like cinnamon coffee?
2: yes.
1: do you want a cinnamon coffee?
2: YES!
Which can be really challenging. but the answer does end up being found out, where otherwise, it might remain unknown. It's kind of a langauge difficulty. And differnt forms of communication might make this a bit easier. Anywhere from highlighting sentences that are true for them, to other forms of non speaking ways, can help make this kind of thing easier. But when asked a open ended question, or a "fill in the blank" type of question, they may be stuck and unable to get any of it out into explanations or words.(in my own experience).

For older people, a person can try to figure out if having the diagnosis will help them any, or if they feel like it would harm them. Eventually leading to them either reaching out of the diagnosis, or leaving it behind.

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I would suggest reading all you can on it.....one book that I found extremely helpful is The complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood.

I was married for 33 years to a guy who I'm sure was dealing with Asperger's......reading the book, it gave me so many ah ha moments that explained exactly what the issues were that caused the serious problems in the marriage.

Asperger's wasn't even known about or DX'ed until he was in his 40's & it wasn't something that they even dx'ed adults with at that time either. It wasn't actually until 7 years ago after I finally left that one of my T's suggested that he might possibly be dealing with asperger's because of the issues that I was describing.....& I actually put it aside until just a few months ago when I started reading about it.

My personal view is that his issues were mainly attitude & communication problems.....& even someone with Asperger's can learn that just because they have a high IQ doesn't make them any better or smarter than anyone else......he was only smart in one area & that was math.....he couldn't problem solve a thing in his life.......I initially blamed his parents for never teaching him how to deal with finances or how to solve problems & he had absolutely NO common sense. I do believe that parents can focus on teaching these things no matter how their children actually look at things.....it doesn't mean that parents can't teach a child within their ways of thinking to learn how to deal with things.....it takes more time & patience. Yes, they may have things that cause them to have problems but they can be taught to deal with them & recognize them within their own mind's limitations.......they don't have to just be allowed to blindly have to figure it out on their own.

I think that reading that book can help understand what the differences can be & help guide them through those differences & grow from them, not make them into a battle throughout life.

Doubt that ex would ever be Dx'ed with Asperger's by his age at 62.....& sadly, he's messed up his life in a huge & who knows where he will end up because of the direction his life went in.....but he made it impossible to EVER continue tolerating or living under the same roof & escaping from the life I was in was my only choice if I wasn't going to allow him to destroy me along the way.

I recognized red flags before I ever got married when I was 21 & he was 22....but had no idea what we were really dealing with....& it came across at that time as extreme immaturity.....which he never was able to change & it seemed the older he got, the worse he got & the more stresses that hit his life the less he could handle......at this point, sadly it's almost as if he can't even care for himself & definitely incapable of caring for himself financially.....but it's where his life is & APS refuses to get help for him because he's capable of making decisions whether good or bad....it's his problem.....& had no idea whether social security was willing to provide the payee & requested for him....(I am still working on getting the divorce but from 2100 miles away & with someone who is incapable of communicating....it's NOT the easiest thing to do either).

Teaching children how best to cope in the world given the way their mind works.....then need to learn skills that they can handle & understand to deal with their lives rather than to make it worse.....& I'm sure it's possible....& maybe getting a good T who is well versed on dealing with children with Asperger's would also be a good place to turn....but it's good to educate yourself & to understand & ask questions & be a good observer of your child so that you can make the best choices in teaching them helpful skills.

Yikes, sorry to hear of your struggle. This is exactly what I don't what to raise, with the resources we have these days there is no excuse for parents to be so ignorant to their children's specific needs IMO. The problem is I always doubt being a good enough parent as it is, to have a challenge added on top that I may in turn end up frustrating my son more, is kinda scary for me.

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by Lexi232

My very first diagnosis was Autism when i was 4yr. my family fought it though... leading through a massive list of misdiagnosis' during my entire school life. it wasn't until the past year that they finally started accepting that the doctors were right.. however they dont appolize...
I think with being on the spectrum, there area lot of things that happen, which can be misunderstood, and seen as something different. Leading to an almost impossible hill for the child to climb and to accomplish. Because certain ways to do things, aren't the ways that help. What others see as a tantrum, and can and should be controlled by the kid, or its a behavior problem... is really a meltdown, and by getting mad and adding more stimilus to the kid will only cause things to get worse.. such as disiplining the child while having a meltdown. spanking a kid for what appears to be a tantrum, does nothing more than torment the autisitic child, as it furthers the overbearing stimulis, and another extreme. (that's something that happened quite often for me).
But by having a reason, which gives more understanding, it opens up that area of "well maybe this is managable", because often it's an rough path for both the child and the parents if they aren't able to see what's really happening. such as, a tantrum is associated to a "it's not fair" anger and hurt feeling, and when asked why they are being the way they are, they can clearly state what it is that they want, loud and clear. and tantrums are a behavior issue..
While meltdowns can come on "out of the blue", and the cause might not be able to be determined. But it is uncontrolable, it happens, the sense get totally overwhelmed in the brain, which causes a meltdown. at these times, a child might not be able to explain why, or whats wrong, or even after the meltdown and they are calmed back down, usually they are as confused over it, as you are.
a ton of people thought i would be lieing when i was telling the true about things.. because of my body language, and the fact that i wasn't crying when revealing something tramatic, and sometimes i would laugh inapproapriately. And i wasn't able to understand or figure out, why people wouldn't believe me. in daycare one day i even had a worker chase me down as i was fleeing the overwhelming stimiuls, then yell at me, and because her kid told her i did something that i didn't, she was furious, and told me she knew i was lieing.. after she went on and on, it finally came to a stop when she asked me if i knew how she knew i was lieing, and then told me because i wouldn't look at her.... that left me even more confused, and i withdrew because no one had ever pointed out that i didn't make eye contact... and i didn't know eye contact was one way to be believed. i also got into more trouble for "lieing" because i was trying to tell her how i wasn't lieing. After that they placed me with the 2 year olds group. I was 11-ish.. however, i didn't see that age gap..

I think if my parents would of agreed with it, and didn't pull me up and move everytime someone came to the conclussion of autism about me, then i would of had a lot more progress than where i am currently at.
Such things have an affect on both the mental well-being of the child, and also the parents, or caregivers.
When i was younger, i think Autism was still viewed a lot as like a terminal illness... and rendered the parents into a helpless type of feeling for their children... which no parent wants to feel like they are there on the side lines, and are completely helpless in helping their child.

I think having a diagnosis, adds to the aid and help, along with a greater understanding, in which can then lead to finding ways that work.

Something one of my casemangers said (which is very accurate for me), you just have to know the right questions to ask.
Kind of like:
person 1: do you like coffee?
person 2: kind of
1: what kind do you like?
2: I dont know.
1: do you like decaf coffee?
2: no.
1: do you like hot chocolate coffee?
2: no.
1: well what type of coffee do you like?
2: I dont know..
1: what about pumpkin spice coffee?
2: no.
1: do you like cinnamon coffee?
2: yes.
1: do you want a cinnamon coffee?
2: YES!
Which can be really challenging. but the answer does end up being found out, where otherwise, it might remain unknown. It's kind of a langauge difficulty. And differnt forms of communication might make this a bit easier. Anywhere from highlighting sentences that are true for them, to other forms of non speaking ways, can help make this kind of thing easier. But when asked a open ended question, or a "fill in the blank" type of question, they may be stuck and unable to get any of it out into explanations or words.(in my own experience).

For older people, a person can try to figure out if having the diagnosis will help them any, or if they feel like it would harm them. Eventually leading to them either reaching out of the diagnosis, or leaving it behind.

Wow thank you for this reply. T'his really helps. I am sorry you went through such a struggle in your early years.

[CalmingOcean]

Thank you for everyone's input, suggestions and reassurance. First, in no way will I appreicate my son any less, or love him differently. Of all the things I wuestion if I did right, I know he is loved and he is told numerous times a day he is loved. It's really just so I can gain some understanding, and of course, I am trying to just get a head start.

He is only 2, it was recommended by his doctor that he sees a speech pathologist as she is quite concerned of his communicational skills (or lack of). Of course it did not help he had a melt down because he wanted to play with the light switch, somethng he does at home, and well, it would be awkward to talk to the doctor in the dark, so I wouldn't let him.

He was going to be going to a group evaluation setting with 3 other kids and their families, but after the phone assessment (that they did with my husband as I wasn't available :/ ) they changed it to a one on one. That is alllllllll the way one Dec 31. This evil will determine if he is just delayed or if he could be somewhere on the spectrum.

I don't care if he is autistic, honestly, I see it in my husband to a degree. I am just dealing with a lot of my own struggles right now with multiple diagnosis, that one thing on top seems over whelming and if he is not on the spectrum, it means he has developmental delays, and tho I know all kids develope at different times, it is hard not to self blame by not talking to him enough, or playing with him, or teaching him...

[kayleemom2005]

Wow, as a child with autism. This has been so informative. I have learned that my daughter doesnt even really remember the meltdown.

Acceptance has been crucial for me. Its also been really hard. I know that its in different forms. Not just the denial but also understanding that my child isn't doing this and this to be mean or bad or on purpose. Also again when I can tell that she has no idea what Im talking about when she threw her metldown. But I do. I think that is one of the hardest parts. I wish I knew what to do to shorten the meltdowns or altogether prevent them. We were getting close but than moved than bullying and regression. I wish I could read thoughts. She is verbal but she still doesn't know how to communicate. Its so frustrating. I remind myself how frustrated I am she has to be way ten times as frustrated as I am.

[Lexi232]

lots and lots of s

Originally Posted by CalmingOcean

Thank you for everyone's input, suggestions and reassurance. First, in no way will I appreicate my son any less, or love him differently. Of all the things I wuestion if I did right, I know he is loved and he is told numerous times a day he is loved. It's really just so I can gain some understanding, and of course, I am trying to just get a head start.

He is only 2, it was recommended by his doctor that he sees a speech pathologist as she is quite concerned of his communicational skills (or lack of). Of course it did not help he had a melt down because he wanted to play with the light switch, somethng he does at home, and well, it would be awkward to talk to the doctor in the dark, so I wouldn't let him.

He was going to be going to a group evaluation setting with 3 other kids and their families, but after the phone assessment (that they did with my husband as I wasn't available :/ ) they changed it to a one on one. That is alllllllll the way one Dec 31. This evil will determine if he is just delayed or if he could be somewhere on the spectrum.

I don't care if he is autistic, honestly, I see it in my husband to a degree. I am just dealing with a lot of my own struggles right now with multiple diagnosis, that one thing on top seems over whelming and if he is not on the spectrum, it means he has developmental delays, and tho I know all kids develope at different times, it is hard not to self blame by not talking to him enough, or playing with him, or teaching him...

I am sure he knows that he is loved. It took me a very long time as a child to tell my mother that I loved her, but I knew in my own way that she cared for me. Rather your son is delayed or on the spectrum, he will find his place in this world. Everyone has a place, no matter how different they may be.

[HJ99]

Wow so many responses when the question was on children living with autism! As you have correctly stated there are many levels of 'autism' and I can only wish that our 3 boys will ever be able to type any kind of message!! or even say the words 'Mum' and 'Dad' I have no more to say but spare a thought for the parents.......