[Anonymous37919]

I feel, like I have just lost interest in pretty much everything and nobody else with authority even f*cking cares about me, in real life. I will never be anything, so I see no point in lying or trying to be brave here, and reinvent myself. Other people just screw me over, because let's be honest - they can!

It is the cold hard truth. I am a doormat. I am a social train wreck and there is really no point in denying that things will even somehow improve. Even my mate Scott, well, he totally agrees that we have tried and achieved absolutely squat. All support workers even do is just humor us because they are receiving a wage packet to do so, but then they just skip on back to their excellent personal lives, leaving us losers to just deal with the sad fact our lives suck. Take that pay check of theirs out of the equation or act all normal and friendly with them against the BOUNDARIES, and then it ends up being good-f*cking-bye regardless of the pain it brings forth. In my case, I ended up in prison.

In case you do not know, I had court for the last time on Friday. It was a bull shite, depressing and awful day. The judge slapped me with a 5 years non harassment order and since they use flat 1 at the accommodation to work in, I got the boot out of my flat. Although Cathy the boss tricked me to give up the lease there anyway. It is just a crap situation all around. This could have been avoided.

I was a fool for thinking I could get with people like that Sara or Joanna. They think I wanted to cause them harm. It is all shite and lies. They just felt "uncomfortable" and blanked my skinny arse, BECAUSE IT WAS JUST A CONTRACT TO THEM!

I feel the lowest I have ever felt. If they had just f*cking shut up, listened to my explanations PROPERLY and gave me a fair go instead of having their seniors lie to me amid all this 'I felt uncomfortable because of Peter' horse poop, and cut out all the bullying, games and betraying they did in-between (well, that was more so from Sara) and just well, gave me a damn chance, I would NEVER have sent them emails talking about porn films, or whatever. Because I felt no-one was listening, it fired me up.

And it is set in stone now, so I doubt an advocate would be able to help me. Now I have to go through the hassle of finding a letting agency that accepts benefits. Oh, God. Life really is so f*cking shite and pointless now. When you cannot even trust them, who the Diddly Sam hell CAN you trust?

Please try not to quote the whole post if you respond!

[healingme4me]

[Anonymous37919]

I tried telling the people from that stupid company that I only did what I did because I was angry and it happened because they never handled the matter correctly in the first place. They took my workers away from me and told me lies. They were my workers and I was very fond of them. Perhaps too fond, but then I really have nothing going well for me in my life. And do you really think lying to the very clients that pay their wages and need the help they provide is acceptable or at all fair?

I get that the women felt like I put them on the spot. I get that it made them feel on edge because they know I like them. But I was lonely. If they were still willing to have been my workers way back then when these issues first started, I would have gladly shut up about the text message nonsense from before and just took my support with everybody, and that was it. Instead, they continued to feel "uncomfortable" and then I was lied to by those who make up the support rota. They made a mountain out of a molehill and Sara started to pick on me weeks before she dumped me, or they took her away from me. Whichever way it played out. Who even cares?

Because the company would not bring them back, it hurt me deeply. It hurt me because of the impact losing them had on my spirit. Then rather than stay calm, I had nobody to argue across my point that I needed another chance. So eventually, I just snapped. And to be honest, I do not blame myself for blowing up last year. They treated me like dirt.

Sara turned her back on me. Then I ended up in jail, I got charged multiple times, I was told I could not go to that flat or the street, and yet, I waited and waited for months to get back there, only to find out on 17 April in court that the flat is gone and I cannot contact these women for up to 5 years or I will be imprisoned again. It is so unnecessary.

That court case was all one-sided and unfair. I only upset them because they upset me by being deceptive. If we had only sat down and resolved this matter, that could have been the end of things. It never even had to lead to the police arresting me. Nobody cared back then and after the court got involved, they gave even less of a damn about me because they thought the judges had me shafted. They are not the ones who will have to remember all the bad memories that will constantly flood my mind for the rest of my life.

I wish I had just kept my big mouth shut about Sara so that Robert did not grass me up to the seniors. That is what happens to us lonely men who are way too desperate and cannot control their feelings. Yet even after all this crap happened to me, they just insist that it is set in stone now and we cannot go back in time.

Sorry, I read your PM before looking at this thread - now I understand what happened to you in court. Damn bro, all I can say is many hugs man. That is such a snowballing of bad things man, a real ganging-up of circumstances if I've ever seen it.

I have some experience of this feeling, this "normal people are untouchable, and their reasonableness unreachable" thing that always seems to happen to us. Sadly, I dunno how to tell you to deal with this as I have never been able to either. All I can say is, it seems to go away over time, especially if you come into contact with other people again and just focus on your own life. Less judgemental people seem to serve as a distraction from your troubles I find. Just really hard to seek them out though.

[Anonymous37919]

Yeah. Plus, when I first worked with Sara (the Hispanic lady), she was like, 'I was just going to say that...' () when I asked her to replace my other key worker, who was an idiot. It all seems like a confidence trick, but I guess then all the shite with us was yet to happen.

But, after so long, the annoying infatuation gag I have going for me took hold as usual, and then she cut me off after so long. But not right away. She played games with me, when i.e. Sara says she may go to South America to work with kids. And after that, she denied saying this to me. Then when she had a sleepover or a shift and I was around her, I got bullied by her because by then, I think she lost interest in being my key worker. This was obviously a motivational thing to an extent, but also to make me "get over" the feelings for her. So yes, it was essentially a bit of bullying.

Really now. Anybody that just 'cuts you off' over petty discomfort like hers, well, they kind of have no heart and need not be in a job dealing with mentally ill people. It is so easy to get close to workers like her if you feel very lonely and whoever, and they should by default have known I was hurting.

I did harass them at some stages and I did commit stalking, but I have had a history of feeling rejected when people muck me around and REFUSE to listen to me. In other words, there was some bumps in the road at first. It was therefore up to myself, Joanna, and Sara to help me get over the bumps and drive on. Instead, they turned against me.

It still hurts. You know? Jail is a scary and evil environment to be trapped in.

As for getting another home: I never wanted to. At all. The flat there had support, so it was (near) perfect. The only real butt kicker there was the fact it was cold in the winter. Other than that, I never had to air many complaints. Really, I feel let down and betrayed.