Just now, I was next door. I laughed for a second about something, but my Mom thought I was sobbing. She said that she did not want to hear me sobbing. I have a way of crying and simply saying things like, "I'm glad you kept me." and things of the sort. Anyways, I basically said that I wasn't sobbing but how would you know what it was about. I said that how did she know it wasn't because I just found out I had cancer or something. She basically tried to say that this wouldn't be possible which it wouldn't be. I basically just asked her if she would be upset with me for crying if that were the case. She said, "I don't know" and said that there would be more important, productive things to do. Essentially, I get the feeling that these people have minimal capacity for sympathy with regard to my depressive tendencies. For a while, I got very belligerent and was just angry about it all. I just said that I hated them, that they were no good, etc. Even said, "I wish you were dead" a few times. I also kept saying how I was pointless and how everything was pointless, which I felt at the time. I'd also often go on and on about my woes and problems. Sometimes, I would want to talk about so much that it interfered with their doing stuff around the house. They would sometimes say that they had other things to do, which they did, but I would just keep talking and talking. I'm not sure how often this happened, but they said it was a lot. I think my talking about things non stop did at times interfere with their ability to get important stuff done. They got also got mad/frustrated with me for saying those things all the time. Finally, after I totally lost my **** again and started saying mean things to them, my Mom said that I was being abusive and was asking if I wanted to leave. Basically, they started talking about kicking me out after my belligerent behavior. I asked them what I would need to do to stay and they said, "Stop being belligerent to us, not constantly "talking about yourself" and to not be negative unless there is some type of point to it. This isn't from merely this interaction but a culmination of events. They still have always never wanted to leave me alone if I seem to be in a state where I could self injure, etc. This always really worries and upsets them, and it is upsetting to me too that I have impulsively done this and given myself permanent scars. Luckily, I have not self harmed in quite some time and do not wish to. They also put lots of effort into things like helping me study and all. Tonight I made a comment that definitely sounded as though I was threatening to commit suicide or making references to it, but I wasn't threatening this nor am I even remotely suicidal. I just made a comment out of frustration that was understandably mistaken for actually having these ideations, but I am not. In response to this, my Dad was going to spend the night upstairs with me to make sure I was alright. Still though, the read I get and the culmination of events said that once they learned I was "different"/something wasn't right, they regretted my very existence. They put on a convincing front otherwise of doing all this stuff, my Mom even gave up her career to teach me at home. They have spent lots of time working with me on things and all. When things got bad, eventually my Dad even offered to come up and stay with me for the rest of the time I was in college. Still, the basic read I get is that once who I was with regard to my autism was obvious and I was more difficult than typical as a result, I was somewhat of a regret. They do all this stuff, yet on a deep core level, they regret my very existence! How am I supposed to proceed? They bought a small house that was next to theirs and have offered for me to be able to rent it from them for very little money. My Mom even offered to take some math classes with me to help me with a subject that is sort of in my area of "special interest" but I wouldn't really call it that. She was that dedicated to wanting to help me with this that she'd take calculas classes as an adult (she isn't evne good with math or anything) just to offer me the opportunity to study it together. However, this is all a read I get that is very deep down and it seems clear. They have gotten mad at me at times in ways that it seems like they wouldn't otherwise like a couple/few times I called my Mom and she said, "Don't call me that" and said things of the nature like she wasn't going to try anymore. I tried to broach the subject about them regretting having me when they saw I was difficult to deal with. I asked her if the thought crossed her mind earlier tonight and she said, "I don't wallow in things and wonder how stuff could have been different. Things can be a blessing and a burden at the same time." She also said things like, "Everyone has value." Later in the evening, I said that the thought didn't cross her mind and she just said, "Not really." Finally, she starts saying, "Your back to feeling sorry for yourself." I was rightfully offended at this and she said, "Your back to ruminating again." Finally, she said, "What difference would it make in your life today what I thought 20 years ago." Since it was clear from that statement and everything else that I am basically just a piece of regret but they are trying to mask it from me and even themselves, I don't know how to proceed. Should I take them up on their supportive offers? Should I take them up on the offer of the house? Should I leave and never speak to them again? I just don't know what to do? If anyone else has been here in some way, please give me your take on the situation. I don't know what to do. If I decided it was the best option, I could leave without even telling them where I am. I would essentially just disappear as far as they are concerned, and I could do it tomorrow if I needed to. I'm now 23 years old, and I am just at a major crossroads here. Now is the time to make these decisions. I just don't know where to go from here. Somehow this really just reached a head with me today and I really feel like I need an honest opinion here, I don't know what to do at all. I just don't know where to go. A few times in the past, I thought about and mentioned my ideation of just diving off the nearest bridge or some crap like that (I'm not feeling that way at all now, in the least) and they said, "If you did that, our lives would be over too. There would be nothing left for us." I feel like on some level they really do care about me, but at the same time I feel like with my issues I just am disappointing and regretful. I am just confused and at a crossroads as to what to do. I'd appreciate anyone's advice whose been here. My Mom was mentioning tonight about me going back to counseling. I kind of agreed with it. She said things about how when I go to counseling, I should set some kind of goals for myself. I agreed with this very much, and I do want to have goals. I just don't know what they would be yet

[Skeezyks]

I read your post Steve223. First, I'd like to just mention that I'm an older person... older than your parents no doubt... probably more your grandparents' ages. So my perspective is going to be different than what you might hear from someone closer to your own age. That said, my perspective is that your parents are really bending over backward to try to do whatever they can for you. Are they conflicted? Sure... I would guess they are. I'm sure they would have loved to have had a child who had no problems at all & who grew up to be successful at whatever s/he wanted to be. This is what my parents would have liked. But, instead, what they got... was me... I'm sure nothing turned out the way they had envisioned. Human relationships, especially family relationships, are messy affairs. And few of us are expert at handling them well all the time. I know that, as old as I am, try as I might, I just keep making the same mistakes over-&-over.

You mention that you have kind-of agreed to go back to counseling. I think this would be a good step. The concerns you have right now need to be talked over in-depth with an experienced, objective person. It might also be beneficial if, at some point, you & your parents could participate in some family counseling. As far as the house goes, I must say that I'm not sure. I think this is something to work out in counseling. It is true, I think, that family members can become too intertwined. Perhaps at this point, given that you're now 23, it's time to start putting a bit more space between yourself & your parents if that is doable given your financial & mental health situations. But, here again, my perspective would be that this is all good stuff to work through in counseling. I wish you well...

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by Steve223

Just now, I was next door. I laughed for a second about something, but my Mom thought I was sobbing. She said that she did not want to hear me sobbing. I have a way of crying and simply saying things like, "I'm glad you kept me." and things of the sort. Anyways, I basically said that I wasn't sobbing but how would you know what it was about. I said that how did she know it wasn't because I just found out I had cancer or something. She basically tried to say that this wouldn't be possible which it wouldn't be. I basically just asked her if she would be upset with me for crying if that were the case. She said, "I don't know" and said that there would be more important, productive things to do. Essentially, I get the feeling that these people have minimal capacity for sympathy with regard to my depressive tendencies. For a while, I got very belligerent and was just angry about it all. I just said that I hated them, that they were no good, etc. Even said, "I wish you were dead" a few times. I also kept saying how I was pointless and how everything was pointless, which I felt at the time. I'd also often go on and on about my woes and problems. Sometimes, I would want to talk about so much that it interfered with their doing stuff around the house. They would sometimes say that they had other things to do, which they did, but I would just keep talking and talking. I'm not sure how often this happened, but they said it was a lot. I think my talking about things non stop did at times interfere with their ability to get important stuff done. They got also got mad/frustrated with me for saying those things all the time. Finally, after I totally lost my **** again and started saying mean things to them, my Mom said that I was being abusive and was asking if I wanted to leave. Basically, they started talking about kicking me out after my belligerent behavior. I asked them what I would need to do to stay and they said, "Stop being belligerent to us, not constantly "talking about yourself" and to not be negative unless there is some type of point to it. This isn't from merely this interaction but a culmination of events. They still have always never wanted to leave me alone if I seem to be in a state where I could self injure, etc. This always really worries and upsets them, and it is upsetting to me too that I have impulsively done this and given myself permanent scars. Luckily, I have not self harmed in quite some time and do not wish to. They also put lots of effort into things like helping me study and all. Tonight I made a comment that definitely sounded as though I was threatening to commit suicide or making references to it, but I wasn't threatening this nor am I even remotely suicidal. I just made a comment out of frustration that was understandably mistaken for actually having these ideations, but I am not. In response to this, my Dad was going to spend the night upstairs with me to make sure I was alright. Still though, the read I get and the culmination of events said that once they learned I was "different"/something wasn't right, they regretted my very existence. They put on a convincing front otherwise of doing all this stuff, my Mom even gave up her career to teach me at home. They have spent lots of time working with me on things and all. When things got bad, eventually my Dad even offered to come up and stay with me for the rest of the time I was in college. Still, the basic read I get is that once who I was with regard to my autism was obvious and I was more difficult than typical as a result, I was somewhat of a regret. They do all this stuff, yet on a deep core level, they regret my very existence! How am I supposed to proceed? They bought a small house that was next to theirs and have offered for me to be able to rent it from them for very little money. My Mom even offered to take some math classes with me to help me with a subject that is sort of in my area of "special interest" but I wouldn't really call it that. She was that dedicated to wanting to help me with this that she'd take calculas classes as an adult (she isn't evne good with math or anything) just to offer me the opportunity to study it together. However, this is all a read I get that is very deep down and it seems clear. They have gotten mad at me at times in ways that it seems like they wouldn't otherwise like a couple/few times I called my Mom and she said, "Don't call me that" and said things of the nature like she wasn't going to try anymore. I tried to broach the subject about them regretting having me when they saw I was difficult to deal with. I asked her if the thought crossed her mind earlier tonight and she said, "I don't wallow in things and wonder how stuff could have been different. Things can be a blessing and a burden at the same time." She also said things like, "Everyone has value." Later in the evening, I said that the thought didn't cross her mind and she just said, "Not really." Finally, she starts saying, "Your back to feeling sorry for yourself." I was rightfully offended at this and she said, "Your back to ruminating again." Finally, she said, "What difference would it make in your life today what I thought 20 years ago." Since it was clear from that statement and everything else that I am basically just a piece of regret but they are trying to mask it from me and even themselves, I don't know how to proceed. Should I take them up on their supportive offers? Should I take them up on the offer of the house? Should I leave and never speak to them again? I just don't know what to do? If anyone else has been here in some way, please give me your take on the situation. I don't know what to do. If I decided it was the best option, I could leave without even telling them where I am. I would essentially just disappear as far as they are concerned, and I could do it tomorrow if I needed to. I'm now 23 years old, and I am just at a major crossroads here. Now is the time to make these decisions. I just don't know where to go from here. Somehow this really just reached a head with me today and I really feel like I need an honest opinion here, I don't know what to do at all. I just don't know where to go. A few times in the past, I thought about and mentioned my ideation of just diving off the nearest bridge or some crap like that (I'm not feeling that way at all now, in the least) and they said, "If you did that, our lives would be over too. There would be nothing left for us." I feel like on some level they really do care about me, but at the same time I feel like with my issues I just am disappointing and regretful. I am just confused and at a crossroads as to what to do. I'd appreciate anyone's advice whose been here. My Mom was mentioning tonight about me going back to counseling. I kind of agreed with it. She said things about how when I go to counseling, I should set some kind of goals for myself. I agreed with this very much, and I do want to have goals. I just don't know what they would be yet

There are so many things I want to say to you that I don't know where to begin.
I guess, first of all I know that what you perceive to be your parents feelings toward you are very real to you. I also understand that you have reasons for the conclusions you've come to about it. Those are your feelings and should be taken into consideration. I don't want you to think I'm being dismissive of what you are feeling right now, because my heart breaks for you hearing all of this. But as a mother myself, and one with bipolar at that, and raising a son with aspergers as well, I can say that it is very challenging at times. As parents we want to be the best we can be for our children. We want more than anything to give them the best life possible. But when we see our child going through something that we don't quite understand or that we can't fix for them, therein lies the disappointment, the regret that are helpless, the frustration. What I want you to see is that it's not the children that brings forth those feelings in the parents, it's often just the situation. When you've done all you know to do for your kids and they are still struggling, or suffering or whatever the case may be, it's very painful! But it doesn't mean that they love you any less. Sometimes we may even feel as though we've failed our kids. We're human, we make mistakes even with the best intentions. Sometimes we run out of ideas on how to reach our kids, or how to help them. Sometimes we feel as though no one understands us, how hard we try, and how weary we can get.
So my suggestion for you darlin is to talk to your mom about HER feelings. Ask her about herself in ways that show concern for her well being. It may just be that she feels as misunderstood as you do sweetie. Maybe all she needs is for someone to validate her feelings. Then maybe you both can reach a common ground in which each of you are heard. In doing this, you might get some of the answers you seek. It will the lines of communication to where it doesn't all seem one-sided. I hope this helps!