I hate being autistic and I am so angry!

I believe that my entire family of origin was autistic, parents and all four children. I was the oldest. My brother and I have high intellects but our two sisters do not. I am angry about how badly I was treated. I have always felt that my mother just hated me because she consistently criticized everything about me. She had no wisdom at all, ever.

It does NOT seem to make any difference that my mother was not a narcissistic mother NOR that my parents were not purposely emotionally neglectful or purposely emotionally abusive. The results are the same!

I just had to make a list of the common struggles a child from an alcoholic family has to deal with. They are the same!

I know that they were just unfortunate people but I just feel that they had no right to have so many children whom they had no idea how to treat or how to raise. My mother did not have the ability to teach anything. All she could do was criticize me.

I feel like I will never get over this. I am at the point of not functioning at all. I am stuck! I called my therapist today and left a message that I need to make an appointment. No return calls yet. If I have to call her again tomorrow I will tell her it's an emergency.

I have no one to talk to at all. My friends are few and far away and sick; there are fewer friends every month. My daughter is seriously ill. I cannot sleep but I have called to make a doctor's appt., think I may need some hormones. I am alone except for this forum. I am elderly but I feel like a little kid, a tiny little girl who is stuttering. Stuttering because my parents treated me so badly, made me work for them in their business when I was way too young and very scared. There was no love there. I am stuck and I don't know how to get out of this awful place.

Please help. I welcome any advice or ideas. This is all new to me because I just recently realized these truths about myself and my family being autistic. I wish I had known earlier in my life. Or would it have made any difference? What can make a difference?

Hello PrairieCat: The Skeezyks has no advice or ideas to share... just a short message of support... hoping that in some way you will be able to find deep peace within...

Prairie Cat, I am sorry to hear about this anger that is suffocating you. I think the very first thing you should do is is look in the mirror everyday and say "I love myself". That is probably the first step in healing. It is all so unfortunate, your story but I really would love for you to gather the strength to start a whole new chapter of what you CAN do. Affirmations have helped me in the past. If you can look yourself in the eyes and see a survivor that has lots of love to give please let us know. Strong hugs and support.

If wishes were fishes, the world would be an ocean. Have you heard that phrase? It's something I heard in a wrestling game once, but it's true enough.

There's really no point in wishing 'you didn't have autism' because you just do, and it's something you'll have to manage with for your entire lifetime. So you've got to make your life be a fulfillng one all the same. That's often harder for us on the spectrum to do, but really, you cannot wish not to have been born with something. People born without some of their limbs hate it and wish they could have a pair of arms to play Tekken 6 with their brother, but they just can't.

Stevie Wonder's retinas detached not long after he was born, but despite not having his sight, he's a masterful musician who has sold millions of records and perfected his craft. You have to find what works for you, and the a-hole care workers today aren't worth a toss. If anything, they'll just drag you down.

Has anybody else been assessed for PIP seeing as how DLA is ending?

Thanks for labeling the care workers. That may be one of the problems right now. I just really needed to express myself. What is PIP and what is DLA?

Oh, sorry. I didn't state what these two types of benefits are, because I assumed everyone knew.

Well, in the UK, people with disabilities may be entitled to claim what's called Disability Living Allowance. My rate is £170 a month. It's now being phased out to make way for PIP.

I'm not sure what the last P stands for in this abbreviation, but I know it's supposed to stand for Personal Independence something or other. Since the system is changing, it means the benefits don't 'carry over' on a rapid claim, so those receiving money will now have to prove in an interview that they cannot work, and hereby are eligible to receive the money.

Employment Support Allowance is another type of benefit which is normally provided to anybody actively seeking work (also referred to as being on the dole), but not always. If you can prove you can't work, you can often gain both DLA and ESA.

Thanks. We all have to remember that this website is used by people located in countries all over the world, so any initials, acronyms, initials or terminologies used only in your country should be spelled out for those who are not living in your country.