Can't figure myself out

Sorry if this is tldr. I'm not sure where to post this. But when I was younger I was diagnosed with autistic tendencies with auditory processing disorder. This was back in the late 80's early 90's when they didn't know much about it. So I was put on paxil. The problem is I'm such a mixed bag of emotions I don't know what I have. Going to tell you about my likes and personality, it may be weird. But I believe I can fit in anywhere. I don't have many dislikes or pet peeves. As in I like all types of music, religions. I could go from rich stuck up crowd, to the bums and be just as happy. I could also go to most countries and fit in just fine. I believe I have an adaptive personality.

Now when I'm alone I listen to a lot of horrorcore and death metal. I also tend to study serial killers because I like to figure out the why and how they think. I would never kill anyone. Almost feels like a switch I can turn on and off. I have a lot of love and compassion though lol. I love my family, my pets and even cried during the movie UP. I also tend to look up weird things like bdsm a lot. Never tried it before though. I don't have any friends. My days are sitting at home watching Netflix or playing games when I'm not at work. Also for some reason my room tends to always be messy.

I never tell anyone everything I'm thinking, afraid to. Or even sometimes I'm not thinking anything or don't know what to say. So my conversational skills isn't the best. Also I tend to like dark things. I think demons and things like that are cool. It almost feels like I have soft outer self with a hardcore inner self that I never let out, if that makes sense. I know I have some autism though. Like hand flapping, not good with eye contact. Also when someone gives me directions it has to be exact. If it's just general directions I have trouble understanding. Not good with direction when it comes to driving as well.

I hope all this makes sense. I was just typing what thoughts came to my head lol. If you have any questions just ask.

Welcome to psych central I’m still trying to figure myself out. I think that process will pretty much last my entire life. This is a safe place to share your feelings. I hope you find much help and encouragement here.

Hello Hawkinn: Welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself to the general membership, here on PC, over on our New Members Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

Thank you everyone

Welcome to PsychCentral!

I do a lot of the things you do, so you're not alone.
From reading about ASDs in females, I think the part where you are very adaptive and don't share your true feelings with people (I do this too) is part of "masking" to fit into society.

That's just my two cents...

I don't have a spectrum diagnosis.. if that's the correct terminology. However, I can relate to MOST to what you are talking about. To say that I am socially inept, would be generous. I'm a introvert, to say the least. However, I can adapt to almost any situation... social or otherwise. I can blend in or even become "invisible" (that's what one of my friend's called it, I make myself a part of the background so no one tries to talk to me). Keeping eye contact or keeping the conversation going is difficult for me. My mother called it being "painfully shy." Also, I consider myself to be an "insecure perfectionist." I other think to the point when I get annoyed. I ask so many questions making sure that I'm doing something correctly, it's ridiculous.

I often think very dark things. Maybe I shouldn't have started reading Stephen King at age 10? Obsessed with horror movies, as well. I don't often share my thoughts and feelings with others... not unless they ask. I try to portray it as sarcasm or just a joke, but my family know that I'm being honest.

I would never hurt anyone without cause, but don't ask me what I'm thinking about...

I'm confused about these statements.

My personality is malleable. I'm adaptable to most social situations by reading their vibe. Which is good, but it also means that I'm never genuinely being myself. I tend to be a reflection of the other person.

Basically, I'm extremely socially awkward. However, through years of practice, I can make my awkwardness comes off as "charming" or "mysterious." But I'm never actually comfortable in my own skin (being myself). I never know what people want from me. I NEVER expect to be memorable. I'm always surprised when someone remembers my name, and therefore, I never make an effort to remember other peoples' names.

In fact, I've created a system using my full name versus my nick name. It's almost like having a "caller ID" for people in real life. If they call me by my full name, I know I wasn't comfortable with them or I met them in a professional capacity. If they know me by my nickname, then I liked them or met them through my family.

I can relate to nearly everything Hawkinn and paynful wrote. Paynful wrote "I tend to be a reflection of the other person." Same here. People accuse me of being a chameleon. To me that seems like a compliment, but it seems to make people feel uncomfortable. Why is that?

I don't know much about that. Is that a form of sex? For some reason being subservient feels very good (in a good way). The sex part doesn't attract me though.

I think being a "chameleon" makes people uncomfortable, because they can never really understand who we are or where/what we stand for.

A portion of people like to "know who they are." AKA have an identity that BELONGS to them. The illusion of control is comforting to them, not being another "brick in the wall."

It sounds like for you (and me), it's easier to not HAVE to make a distinction or label who you are. Putting yourself in a malleable position, letting the other person make the choices ...it's just easier. The problem for me is that I don't trust anyone's judgment enough to give them that much power over me.

There's nothing wrong with either way of life. It's just... whatever works for you.

And as for BDSM (as far as I know), it doesn't always have to involve sex. Yes, sex is a big part of it for some people, but the point is to find what works for you.

Bdsm is about control and domination and can be amazing on both sides 😆 personally I like being choked but anything involving me being hit crosses the line haha that’s all I can input here