Husband on spectrum

Good morning,

My husband and I are 36 years old. We've been married 12 years and our marriage has become increasingly difficult since we started having children 7 years ago. We have two kids now. I've also felt like we do not have an emotional connection nor valued in our relationship. All he seems to care about are 'tasks' and disregards my feelings. I'm looking for companionship and I'm having a hard time finding it with him.

Recently we are dealing with him being newly diagnosed with autism. Can anyone give me tips how to cope?

Thank you,
Jennifer

I don't have any personal experience with this. (Presumably there will be other PC members who may have some coping tips they can share.)

In the meantime, here is a link to DocJohn's article on communication within relationships. And then, also, you mentioned your husband having been diagnosed as being on the Autism spectrum. I presume (hopefully not incorrectly) that he is considered to have Asperger's Syndrome? So, assuming that is the case, here are links to 6 additional articles, from PC's archives, on the subject of Aspie / NT relationships:

9 Steps to Better Communication Today

Romance, Love and Asperger Syndrome

Aspergers and Non-Aspie Relationships

5 Tips for Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome

Asperger's and Marriage: He's Always Looking for Debate

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/aspie...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/self-ca...dium=popular17

My best wishes to you & your family.

Jennifer,
I read your post with interest. My 30 year old son was just recently (2 weeks ago) diagnosed with Autism Spectrum DIsorder. I always wondered why he never had a girlfriend or seemed to show any interest. I am wondering how you and your husband met? I would love for my son to find someone understanding. His entire social life is centered only in the gym, weight lifting, etc. But now with Covid-19 the gym closed March 12 while we were there. Still closed. But even at the gym, his interactions with others were only about fitness, nothing else.

Is it possible to find him a relationship coach and for you guys to go to counseling? That might be very expensive. It seems like you guys need some form of guidance and support though. If you’ve come this far and love each other it seems to me you both could make it work. Have you seen the show on Netflix called Love on the Spectrum?

Hi,

My name is Tyler and I've been married to my husband for 4 years. We just found out he is High functioning autistic/aspergers as well. It is so overwhelming to find this out and try to work through my feelings alone.

I'm grateful that there are other women who are going through this same struggle, at least I am not completely alone. Thank you for being open and sharing your struggle.

I cannot imagine what you are going through with having two children as well as a husband with ASD. All I can say is I'm so sorry you are going through so much. You do not deserve to be in a one-sided relationship or take on the burden of raising kids alone.

One thing I've been realizing lately, is that I don't deserve to be be treated like property. I have my own dreams, needs, and wants. I am not a possession that someone can use and then dispose of when they are done getting what they want...

Hang on! I am a man diagnosed about 10 years ago. I am now age 67. It took me several cycles thru existential depression, the last about a year ago. I am very fortunate to live with my wife who is also likely ASD, too, but she does not quite realize it. It made it so much easier for me to work with her when I realized if I treat her as my loving ASD wife we get along so much better. It took me about 5 years post DX to begin to get stable. The hardest thing is realizing EVERYTHING in my memory has been skewed by ASD. As I look backward in time the memories literally dissolve changing from the memory of being "me" to memories looking at a different child w ASD.

You are not alone. I've found that there are many many normal people who struggle with similar issues. In the past few years, I have sought out and stumbled on TV shows, comedians, books - both fiction and non-fiction that and more, that have been helpful in understanding Spectrum Disorders and Aspeger's Syndrome in adults. More and more I hear of the importance of emotional intelligence for not only those who live with these or other disorders, but for everyone really.

I'm going through a personal struggle because not only do I feel like I AM lacking in emotional smarts and emotional boundaries, but so are the people who I count and depend on. It's actually kinda fun to find the kid in them with hope they are able to set their own boundaries too. Most people can get serious when it's time to be serious and have fun when it's time to play. But when you're feeling in need of emotional support, it is nice to know someone can catch you, right?

I've found that involving emotional SMRTS works in difficult relationships- for work, or neighbors, whoever- people who you want to have relationships with but prove to be difficult or challenging. It is really easier to set a good example without giving too much of yourself away, without adding pressure or stress to the relationship, and allowing people to make their own decisions.

Hi BlueSkyGirl. I can appreciate that it can be hard living with loved ones on the spectrum... I say this as the husband and myself being the autistic one in the relationship.

Based on personal experience, I hope that things become easier for you now that a diagnosis has been made and that you both now have something that makes sense of what was probably bewildering for both of you beforehand.

I was around about your age when I was diagnosed and before that my relationship was becoming very rocky... mainly based on my wife thinking I was just being a callous jerk... and half the time I had no idea what I was doing wrong.

It's still been hard work... and I say this as being so for my wife, as I recognize that she has been the one making the most adjustments. With that being said, marriage is a partnership, so I hope that you're not finding it to be a one-way street.

Thanks for sharing BlueSkyGirl

Oh my goodness. It seems like part of the problem here is your husband was diagnosed with Autism later in life. However, that's not your fault. Things like this happen. I myself am also Autistic but high functioning and was diagnosed around the age of four. My best advice is to work with him. Regardless of where a person is on the spectrum, many Autistics tend to get used to a routine. Myself included. I also suggest perhaps going to a marriage counselor even if it's virtual. Sometimes, it's best to get an outside opinion.