[horsecab]

I feel I could be gone tomorrow and no one would miss me.

It's hard for me to say how bad I feel now. I know I'll probably
never get what I want in life. I've already missed out on that. I'm so use to being alone, I wouldn't know how to be happy. I would be afraid to be happy. I've had chronic depression since I was 13. And never received any treatment for it until I was 32. I don't know how to be anything but alone. I can't handle the stress of risking. Of rejection. I so desperately want to be loved, to be cherished by a woman, and cherish her, but I am told I need to love myself first. I don't see how I can possibley love myself enough to fill the emptyness I feel from being alone. How can I ever provide myself with those things only a woman could give me? Everyday that goes by I feel less and less hopeful.

[Puffyprue]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((horsey)))))))))))))))))))))
i care for you

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( horsey ))))))))))))))))))
I care, and would miss you if you werent here

Well I dont agree with what you have been told so there ! Hubby dosnt love himself but loves me and knows and accepts that I love him.

So its not imposible !

[pegasus]

(((((( horsecab ))))))

I have read your post a few times now and thought that I need to say something positive but then I think we all feel like this from time to time. You seem to me like a kind and sensitive soul and there will be someone out there for you. It's not written in stone that you will be alone forever and you don't know that for sure. Hang in there friend.

[horsecab]

Thank you all so much for your kind comments. I really felt low last night. I know when I get that way that I need to change my thought pattern and not give into the negativity, as it only wants to take me deeper into depression. I'm so glad to have great friends like you here to help me be more positive.

[angel12]

alot of people care about you hun[/quote]

[gemini_girl04]

I care about you even though are ages dont match up. im sure there is someone out there but maybe right now is not the time.

[horsecab]

Well, I'm having trouble with the negative thinking again. So much so, that I can't help but wonder if anyone has ever felt like maybe the worst thing to do has ever felt like it was your destiny. I am beginning to think it is mine.

[Puffyprue]

Originally Posted by horsecab

Well, I'm having trouble with the negative thinking again. So much so, that I can't help but wonder if anyone has ever felt like maybe the worst thing to do has ever felt like it was their destiny. I am beginning to think it is mine.

its not ur destiny at all someday times will comes u just have to believe it ...someday....

[teary_me]

i care deeply for you but in saying tha i also know what you'r saying and where you're coming from as i feel the same way. (((((((((((((horsey)))))))))) hang in there with me

[horsecab]

Thanks guys, you're the greatest.

Originally Posted by horsecab

Well, I'm having trouble with the negative thinking again. So much so, that I can't help but wonder if anyone has ever felt like maybe the worst thing to do has ever felt like it was your destiny. I am beginning to think it is mine.

Hi Horsey,

You are taking the words right out of my mind the only difference is I have 20 years on you. It HAS been my destiny. If so why ? Whats the reasons.

Maybe trying in palces that are not the right ones and avoiding the ones that are avaiable . learning sooner the warning signs , and of course fear because of the tracj record I selfishishy pray ever so ofter to please bring me someone special . I hope the same for you

And Horse cab . it not because you don't love yourself .
I love myself . I think im pretty special just the way am . I just haven;t found someone who agrees yet.



Patricia

[beatriz]

Hey Horsecab!
I used to feel that way, until one day the pain was so great that i took a gun pointed at my head, and the bullet didnt come out, it was stuck!! so, i was soooooooooo pissed off, i mean, can you believe that? anyways, long story short: i had nothing lo lose right? so thats my motto now: help others, besides i got nothing to lose!!!
so, horse: sometimes you gotta grab your pain and shake it off of you and reverse it into a challenge, remember you got nothing to lose..hope it helps you too!!!

[LizzyB]

Hi,

Sending a hug and loving thoughts your way.

I know how you feel in many ways. We have many similarities. However, I agree with "Tishie", who wrote, "Well I dont agree with what you have been told so there ! Hubby dosnt love himself but loves me and knows and accepts that I love him.

So its not imposible !"
In my case, I don't love myself, but am able to be loving and giving with hubby, and I know and accept (usually, at least) that he loves me.

But please realize there are people who do care about you, and you can add me to the list.

Also, from what I get from your profile, your posts, and your beautiful, eloquent, poetry, I believe I can see you are a good person who just can't see it for himself.

[LizzyB]

Teary me, I am thinking of you, too, and I care
Lizzy B

[Sad In TX]

I know things seem bleak, but don't hurt yourself. Please seek help if you are feeling this down as soon as you can. I really recommend going to the ER or something.
I understand about feeling down on holidays too. I've had so many bad ones that it's weird to appreciate the good that can happen.
But I can guarantee that you would be missed if you were gone tomorrow. I wish you all the love you deserve and understand your despair. But there are those who care, even us people you don't know here. Please get some help. It's OK to ask for it!

[horsecab]

Thanks for all your support everyone! Don't worry, I'm not really thinking of hurting myself, it's just that I still feel a victims role to life at times where it just feels so hopeless and that my life will never change. But one of the main problems for this is me still identifying with being a victim and scared to go out and make the changes with my life that I say I want. It's still very hard for me. It sure helps to have the support of good friends like all of you. Thanks again!

[angel12]

you are so special friend to me here
hugs
Rosey

[swwalsh2003]

Hey Horse,

We do care....you are a great person, and deserve to be here with us. If you ever just need to talk you know where to find me. Take care my friend.

i know how you feel im me anytime i care and will listen

[horsecab]

You are all very special to me and I thank you for your support. But I would like to open up a little more as to what made me into an avoidant personality. I know this should probably have been posted in another forum like sexual abuse, but since I already have this thread going I thought it would make more sense to put it here. Like I said earlier, I fear rejection like death itself, and therefore whenever a woman who was interested in me showed it, I would run from them from fear of being rejected, even if someone loved me. Instead I would always become interested in women I couldn't have for one reason or another. This is a pattern I am hopelessly stuck in and have been since the age of six. It was then my ten year older sister sexually had me experiment with her. I was blown away by the sexual feelings that were in me. Feelings that a six year old felt overwhelmed with. Magical wonderful feelings that made my close relationship with my sister into more. And feelings that came crashing down on me with heartache. Because after nearly being caught by our mom, she said we couldn't do it anymore, cause we were brother and sister and it was wrong. I couldn't understand why we had done it to begin with if it was wrong. I felt dirty, and used, and most of all heartsick. Feeling so rejected by someone who I knew loved me. This wonderful thing called sex that I felt so strongly with my sister who I really loved, was wrong. Then years later in a separate incident, my sister also grabbed my privates when I was 13.

I got my depression at age 13 also. This was after an abandonment issue with my mom in which her lying to me ended up with me being publicly humiliated in front of kids my own age, and parents. See I didn't know how to swim, and so my mom put me in a Y swim class with 4 year olds. I was 13, so of course, everyone stared at me, some laughing.

From that depression, I lost what pride I still had in myself and fell in with a neighbor bully who loved to verbally abuse. I simply had no self esteem left to stand up for myself so I simply took his abuse day after day from age 13 through 17. So instead of enjoying high school, it was hell for me. This bully controlled me by making threats against my parents, threatening to start rumors about me, (which he somehow convincingly managed to do on more than one occasion) and threatening me if I wouldn't be his friend. My deep depression made me an easy target. And dragged my self image and self esteem through the gutter. If girls in high school told me I was cute, I wouldn't believe them, as one time my so called friend got some girls to play a joke on me which hurt my feelings.

It was college before I even asked a girl out. And it was never the ones interested in me, or who I was really interested in. When I thought about approaching those, I would feel the sexual attraction I had to them, and suddenly feel like I was a six year old again. All that sexual energy simply transformed from something to possibly help me break through my fears, to instead something that simply added more anxiety to them. And so I started a pattern of asking out women unavailable for some reason or another. I know now that was the hurt little boy in me trying to overcome the barriers that kept me from a relationship with my sister. A woman I could never get to love me for one reason or another. But even after years of therapy, and knowing why I do this, I still do it!!! It is such a deeply ingrained subconscious pattern that all the cognitive thinking I can learn has no effect on my behaviors. But years and years of accumulated heart aches only add more pain to me each time I do it. Therapy has been a big help to me in certain areas of my life, but I am still so frustrated by my subconscious attractions that I sometimes lose what little hope I have.

I'm sorry I made this so long. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

[Puffyprue]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((horsecab)))))))))))))

[angel12]

glad you opened up, took courage i am proud of you

[jeth]

Dont give up man! There's still hope. Being here on this forum means you are determined to find solution to ur problem and find help.. keep on keeping on!