Crisis today from feeling exposed

I got a phone call from a second potential employer, who mentioned that they employed another student from my school. I made it through the actual phone call okay.

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After, I completely freaked. The feeling of total out-in-the-void-naked exposure I get. Like everyone in the world can see right through me and knows how bad I am. Like I made a complete fool of myself, should have known better than to try.

I think I was triggered because I withdrew so much at the end of school that I'm afraid the other student will describe me as a weirdo or loner or gross freak.

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I felt bad, defective, ashamed, foolish, transparent. I have tourette's, and I was tic'ing up a storm. Pinching my skin and letting out a lot of verbal tics (in those situations I say words about suicide and dying and hating people/myself).

I could not self-soothe. I could not say affirmations or slow down to journal. I couldn't breathe or meditate.

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This happens to me a lot. I feel too vulnerable and will literally run from situations.

I start pacing and walking really fast.
I will start to go into a store and leave really fast if I'm triggered.
I will walk past a room I was going to go into.
I will start an action, drop it, do something else, drop it...in circles.
I will drive aimlessly, and too fast or keep changing directions.
I tic and want to hurt myself (I don't self injure except pinching/scratching that I have always done when I feel exposed)

I just get this really fast-moving, impulsive "run away" energy and if I'm stuck in one place it is agony. Today, logging onto here and responding to someone helped. I felt connected.

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I'm wondering if anyone else who is AvPD experiences this? I also have very strong borderline PD traits and coping mechanisms; those center around feeling abandoned/invalidated instead of feeling rejected. My frantic episodes are often connected to the feeling of being "seen" too much, as opposed to times when I feel "misunderstood" (and am likely to fight or explode instead of feeling anxious or running away).

Sorry, I know this was long but thought I would try to sort this out and see if it sounds familiar to anyone else? I feel like people with AvPD and other anxiety disorders are usually seen as sort of quiet and gentle; but I also flip out if pushed too hard!

Ugh. Definitely feeling better, anyway! Hugs to all. It helps to vent.

((((((( OrangeMoira ))))))) Gosh that sounds overhwhelming and I'm glad you were able to post here and tell about how you're feeling and what's happening for you. Sending you lots of hugs of support

I'm just about to go off forum unfortunately but wanted to post you a hug and to say I'll be back later to reply more fully. Your last comments about flipping out really resonated with me and stuff I'm currently thinking about as well so have more to say on that.

It's interesting your feeling this fast moving impulsive run away energy, reminds me very much of some books I've just been reading about trauma (author Peter Levine). He talks about the impulse to flee being frozen in trauma and that if you let your body speak it can complete that impulse and start releasing the trauma. May not relate to you at all but it's an interesting idea that might be worth thinking about.

More on everything later.

In the meantime I hope you are hanging in there and even if your coping methods seem drastic, if they help, I hope you don't feel bad about using them

Torn xxx

Hello again. How are you doing today? Hope you have managed to stay feeling reasonably in control .

I can't say I have the same tendencies that involve energy or motion - my reactions to threatening or invalidating or paranoia-inducing situations such as you're describing with the second employer, would be to think think think - my prime, in fact my only, coping method, is to endlessly think about something, in and out up and down round and round desperately trying to understand make sense and change it... sometimes it helps.

As I said in above post it was quite striking how much your description of the impulsive run-away energy matched what I'd just been reading about (the books are called Waking the Tiger and In An Unspoken Voice if you're interested to browse them.) Does that make any sense to you?

How curious that you make a distinction between abandonment/invalidation and rejection - I guess I experience all three in exactly the same way and so don't see any difference. What I do relate to though is an explosive angry response to being misunderstood (or invalidated, or put down or negated or dismissed or made to feel powerless and worthless and unimportant...) In fact I had been thinking about posting about that in a separate thread and might do that yet.

Being seen is altogether different and it's that which sparks my paranoia - it's intolerable and because it's inside my head I know there is nowhere to hide, it's like being exposed and naked to the whole universe, everyone's eyes inside my head - so I can relate to the frantic element of your response. If I'm feeling negatively seen, I do try and get away though, it's a horrific feeling and I'm sorry you experienced that yesterday .

Just had a thought about the being seen aspect, maybe it's in part a shame response, do you think? I'm not too savvy when it comes to feelings but I suspect shame plays a big part in AvPD.

I really hope you're ok now, sending you lots of support and big hugs (((((( OrangeMoira ))))))))

Torn

Hey there Orange,

I'm new here, hope you dont mind my 2 cents.

I totally get the exposed feelings too - my AvPD went in the direction of agorophobia for a good long while. My brother is currently agorophobic with exactly the same thing as I had.

Firstly - well done for recognising your trigger! Being honest about what triggers you will definately help you (and all of us?) recognise whats going on with you.

I get/got the urge to flee impulsively massively also. I get the urge to run, walk away, flee and end up doing that, after making ends to conversations or interactions quickly, or by completely clamming up, forcing the conversation to die and forcing the other person to lose interest (i guess that means I reject them and the conversation, they get the $hits and leave).

For my agorophobia I felt totally, completely and utterly exposed and that people could see me, and all my flaws and would automatically judge me based on that. I get you totally. Keep the faith Orange. It can get better. You can make it better. People can recover. I have all the time in the world for you.