[mycatsmokes]

Hello fellow avoidants!

Excuse me, I'm still wired about finding this website and specifically this forum. It's a big relief to be able to talk about having a personality disorder, openly. That is kind of the reason for this post.

I've had 2 what I would call long term, serious relationships in my life. I have, probably like lots of others, also had several shorter term relationships, flings or whatever you want to call them. In ALL of these relationships I have felt that I have had to hide the fact that I have APD, as well as other mental health issues such as depression and agoraphobia. The reason I have felt this is because in these relationships when the truth came out that I had some or all of these issues, it invariably caused problems.

For example, one girlfriend realised that I was "different". She would say things like, "Why do people avoid you?" "Why don't you have any friends?" "What is wrong with you?". Great, thanks, that really helps...

I tried to hide my depression from my wife. When I did try to discuss it with her she offered no understanding or compassion whatsoever. "Snap out of it", she'd say. Or, "you're like that because you want to be". For this reason I also hid my agoraphobia from her, successfully, for years. When we separated and we were battling in court for child custody she searched through my private papers and found letters I had writted to a counsellor about my agoraphobia. My wife then photocopies the letters and presents them to the judge as "evidence" that I am unable to properly care for my children. I'm not bitter about that; when you go to family court it's like going to war; all's fair, but it's another example of why I have thought it's best to hide mental illness.

Thinking about moving on now and finding someone else. I've read a few "guides" on the internet about internet dating. One of the things people say to look out for is if your online date has no friends or seems aloof. That would be me ruled out straight away! And what do you say when an online date asks you how your weekend was and what did you do etc. What do you say, "Nothing - I avoid most activities because I have APD"?!

I guess my question is whether there are avoidants in happy and successful relationships? Gut feeling says there must be some, but right now I don't really see how I could ever be in one. I guess the answer lies in finding someone who accepts you for who you are... Maybe there should be online dating just for avoidants.

[LaborIntensive]

It may sound abnormal but is not for me - Post on the dating site everything in honest terms. You have to be real and honest to get the same in life ( I say that but it has not worked for me 100% but I know it's still true ).

I am a fetishist and it has caused more trouble for me than anything. It is special, it is me and makes me unique but to many woman it is not "normal."

I wish you luck and maybe in time there will be an agoraphobic girl who has issues going all over the place in public and the two of you will have a reason to both get out, meet and talk. Maybe things will work out and maybe not.

I agree that there should be an online dating service for people with severe social anxiety and/or AvPD. Maybe throw Schizoid PD into the mix since they don't like being around people.

Take LaborIntensive's advice - Next pretty woman you see just spank her hair, lick her eyes and whisper into her ***.

[Hoasis]

a dating site for people with avpd...even how much I try I cant see that being a success!

[bronzeowl]

You might be surprised.

A lot of people with social disorders use dating sites. I admit to having joined one recently, and one of the people who contacted me admitted that he, too, has AvPD.

Just be upfront about it. I have, personally, never felt a need to 'hide' it online. Maybe in person. But never online.

[JadeAmethyst]

LOL, we can't "hide" what's in plain sight, isn't that ironic????!!!!

[mycatsmokes]

Originally Posted by JadeAmethyst

LOL, we can't "hide" what's in plain sight, isn't that ironic????!!!!

Ah, but you can, for a while anyway. The first few dates are usually one-on-ones, so no need to show that you have a vast social network. Then you could say that you just moved to the area and don't know anyone yet. Or you could BS and say that your friends are busy/out of town/working for the Red Cross in Timbuktu when your new partner asks about them. These are only temporary "fixes" though.

If you have agoraphobia on the other hand, this can be concealed indefinitely. Going out to crowded places may cause discomfort and anxiety but it can be hidden.

I don't think you should be required to have a social network to be in a relationship. There are plenty of both men and women out there who are loners but want someone to be close to. It's just harder for them to find each other.

[Hoasis]

Still cant imagine how this could work out. Lets theoretically say someone here "connects" online, who would take the initiative to meet? And if a meeting happens, how would that turn out...(It has to be mentioned I am one of the biggest pessimists on earth)

[mycatsmokes]

Originally Posted by nowheretohide

I don't think you should be required to have a social network to be in a relationship. There are plenty of both men and women out there who are loners but want someone to be close to. It's just harder for them to find each other.

I don't think you should, either.

[jones2281]

I have a big plaque in my kitchen that says " Normal is just a setting on the dryer." I'm not trying to make light of your problems, just think about that though, what is normal? My therapist tells me no one is "normal", there is no normal. You are what you are and dealing with life in your own way, be it someone elses way or not it doesn't matter.

I will agree with that. But being at least somewhat sociable and socially confident and being able to interact with others in a rewarding way is important. Unless you are totally okay with being isolated (don't think many would be, even if they try to tell themselves they are).

Maybe not believing that slogan in the first place is what got many of us to this point, though. My mom should have hung that poster in my room when I was 4

[mycatsmokes]

Hmm... it's one thing having a plaque in the kitchen to reassure oneself that there's no normal.

But theory and practice are two different things. I wouldn't try going up to a woman in a bar and opening with, "Hey, I usually avoid social situations like this, due to an exaggerated sense of self awareness coupled with an irrational fear of rejection. Can I buy you a drink?"

What is normal? In this context, normal would be taken to mean someone without avoidant or any other personality disorder, who is able to relate to others and have the kind of social relationships that non-afflicted people have. The type of person whom the majority of the population, which does not have avoidant personality disorder, seeks.

This is true... Jones's heart was in the right place though. But yeah, at this point it doesn't help much.

All major cities need a secret social anxiety bar (called "The Drunken Hermit" or "The Disgruntled Loner" or something like that) that's very dimly lit with drinks that are laced with a mixture of xanax and klonopin. It has to be secret so non-socially-anxious men can't come prey on the socially anxious women. Confident women who are interested in socially anxious men could be allowed though.

[mycatsmokes]

Originally Posted by nowheretohide

This is true... Jones's heart was in the right place though.

Yeah, I'm sure. I just don't like it when semantics cloud an issue.

[mycatsmokes]

Originally Posted by nowheretohide

This is true... Jones's heart was in the right place though. But yeah, at this point it doesn't help much.

All major cities need a secret social anxiety bar (called "The Drunken Hermit" or "The Disgruntled Loner" or something like that) that's very dimly lit with drinks that are laced with a mixture of xanax and klonopin. It has to be secret so non-socially-anxious men can't come prey on the socially anxious women. Confident women who are interested in socially anxious men could be allowed though.

Apparently only 2.5% of the population are avoidants. Of those, I would guess half know that they are avoidants, and who knows what percentage of those actively want to date. So we're not looking at a huge market here.

This is kind of close: Shy Passions - 100% Free Social Networking for Shy Singles