Rant on avoiding reality

I spend pretty much all my available time watching stuff, playing video games and reading. Even at work, because I have free alone time between tasks. I've always been aware that it's to escape the reality I don't like. Thing is, that by comparison, it still seems better to just deny the crappy existence I'm stuck in and focus on something more interesting.
The realization, that doing this isn't helping in any way to improve my odds of making my life something worth living in, doesn't seem to be motivating enough. In fact, there doesn't appear to be anything to strive for that i could possibly attain. I just see impenetrable walls between me and anything I might want and I'm stuck in the resulting box.
Just tried to air out some frustration. /Rant

Sounds like depression, and I respect you for being at least motivated to go to work, and because you're intelligent enough to recognize what you're doing. Sounds like some depression, because I'm filtering things from my experiences. (I dunno if you're feeling it as anxiety, or maybe something else, since I don't know you). This might not ring true for you, but I told a therapist once that I feel like the rational side of me is way on one end of the spectrum, and the emotional side is way on the other end, and that I can't figure out how to get them to meet and do anything to make changes, or do anything healthy for myself. Just my thoughts, since I don't know what it is you're trying to escape from.

This is very familiar to me. I find that even most of the the things I do "for fun" or that I choose are just less obvious methods of escape - I almost never want to be where I am right now. I don't really have any advice, but I know it sucks to live that way.

Being extremely introverted, I've almost always been borderline obsessed with my own mind and how it works. So i know myself and my dysfunctions very well. I also know my physical reality and how much work it would require to get out of this stalemate I'm in. The process would be long and ardorous, and I'm lacking in resources both mental and financial.
Most of my problems are AVPD, self-esteem issues from looks-related curable ailments, depression, lack of a formal education and just being different in personality and views from anybody I've met. Also the only emotions i am able to have in relation to my own life are anger and frustration, though I can still appreciate humor..
As an aside: suppose I pretended to see anything in my future besides a yawning blackness, my general life goals could be financial independence doing something I liked and perhaps having a few people in my life to know and like me.
My reality however, is a vicious cicle of problems that prevent me from overcoming them. So most of the time I choose to be somewhere else, even if it's only in my head.

Makes total sense.

I do this to.

I also spend far too much time in my own fantasy land when I can't find a distraction.

It's just so much nicer in there. No one can hurt me and I'm not a worthless loser.

I tend to jump into distractions as well when I can't handle life.

One of the things that you've mentioned as being a hurdle for you is education. By that, do you mean that you feel like you are not intelligent, or do you want to do things with your life that you need a specific degree for?

If you just feel like you are not intelligent and want to know more, but can't afford university... there are a lot of free lectures posted online by a lot of really good universities. So you can go through and learn from the courses without worrying about paying for it. Although that would just be for your own interest and benefit as you couldn't earn a degree from it. But it'd be a more useful distraction at any rate!