If I have AvPD, my whole life would make sense.

I think I may have had this my whole life and never known it until just now. 32 years old, married, a mom, and I really do have a job that I love. I've always felt a little "off". I've had horrible self esteem I thought I had depression that's comes and goes.

I have not been formally diagnosed, but I have been researching the DSM 5 and reading up on mental and personality disorders because I just know I have SOMETHING. The more and more I read and learn about Avoidant personality disorder, the more things seem to "click" with me.

Even going back to childhood. Being called "shy" and "quiet", being so preoccupied with saying or doing the wrong thing that I just don't say or do anything at all, never being able to truly be myself or be completely honest around anyone, so afraid of judgement and so upset or angry when being judged, the ridiculously low self esteem which has brought about suicidak thoughts or thoughts that I am a burden to everyone who knows me, afraid to talk to new people or open myself up to those who know me, finding outlets in online chat for socialization where I can hide behind a screen. Falling into a deep depression and anger over any type of rejection. I think rejection is my #1 trigger.

If this is what I have it would explain so much. I know I need to actually see a doctor in order to obtain a formal diagnosis and I'm working on that. Talking about this face-to-face is terrifying. I know you're not supposed to diagnose yourself… But in all honesty no one knows me better than me. As I'm reading and researching articles on a AvPD, nothing has ever spoken to me more.

I am married to an amazing man who really doesn't know the half of it, because I am so scared to be honest with him about who I am. I had become addicted to online chatting because it is easier for me to open up to strangers while hiding behind a screen, both sexually and emotionally. In doing so, I entered into an online affair with a man that started out as sexual (as many of those chat rooms do) and turned into something more. Two years later I find myself heartbroken by him after he began completely and purposely avoiding me. I had such anger toward him for rejecting me I did some things I now regret. But we are both married and this online thing needed to end. It shouldn't have started in the first place, but I realize it was probably the AvPD that ultimately drove me to let it get this far. Not that it's an excuse. I don't blame him for ghosting me. I was becoming too attached. But the anger and depression I was left with over this is embarrassing.

This was my wake up call moment. My "I need help" realization. I spoke to a therapist but did not dive in deep. The therapist is actually my friend and there is no way I can be truly honest with somebody who knows me so well. What she did tell me was that I wouldn't get a diagnosis unless these behaviors are affecting my relationships in my life. Which they are in away even though I'm functioning and my husband has no idea and thinks everything is fine. If it is avoidant personality disorder, it would really make a lot of sense and put everything I've been through in the past into place. I have gotten really good at hiding my behaviors so that I can function normally. But I've gotten to the point where I can't keep hiding anymore

absolutely. Avoidance is nature and nurtching.
I would also see a pysch who is not a freind so you can be more open.

Sorry about the short answer.

My cousin is a psychologist but I would never go to her for professional advise and she would never accept me as her client.

I encourage you to see a professional you don't know and talk to him/her openly about what is hurting you.

I see myself very reflected in your post. I always found that I could be more myself on line than in real life. I think this is bc I don't feel judge.

Also, you are welcome here!

Ok I need to clarify: I am not seeing my friend as a therapist. I just asked her a few questions and told her I have been researching AvPD. I would never talk to her about all of this stuff! That wasn't really the point of my post but seems to be what people are commenting on the most. My point was really just that I think I have these traits even though I have not been diagnosed. I just feel like reading more and more about it- it's just making my life CLICK! Like suddenly everything makes sense. My past, my insecurities, my behaviors that seem a little "off"

I'm afraid to take the plunge of face to face therapy though.

Has anyone else here come upon that realization on their own? Or was it more or less a therapist who told you "this is what you have"? I just feel like I know myself better than any therapist could evaluate me.

No need to clarification. I wanted to encourage you to see a professional.
Sure, you know yourself better than anyone. The one who tells you the oppossite is wrong. Simple as that.

I was diagnosed as an avoidant 7 or 8 years ago. Now, I have been diagnosed again. It seems my traits of avoidance are product of a dependent personality. And now, past experiences make more sense to me.

The reasons to go to a professional is not a diagnosed itself but that this diagnoses will be so accurate that involves all the traits to work and that this diagnoses doesn't become a heavy brick that stops you to progress.

Good luck, and as I told you. You are very welcome.

I'd recognized it in myself.

That said - I never said a word about it to anyone. My T came to the same conclusion on his own. I'm content feeling validated by him on that, and don't seek a diagnosis for a label. My T and I just work on the issues that it presents for me, and I have to give him props for not yet giving up on trying to help change my thought patterns.

I know I need therapy. But there are so many things preventing me. 1- the thought of opening up to someone like this IN PERSON gives me such anxiety that even thinking about it makes my heart beat a million miles a minute!! 2- I am not ready to talk about these issues with my husband, and there is no way I can have paperwork for a therapist go through my insurance without him seeing it. So then I will have to tell him I am going to see if therapist and then he will ask why and then I will have to tell him when I'm feeling which is so scary and also gives me crazy anxiety. Finally 3- maybe there's a part of me that has a slight addiction to being this way in private. Maybe I'm afraid that the therapist is going to suggest I do things that make me uncomfortable as a way to help me overcome my fears and I don't know if I'm ready for that either. It's like on one hand I want help and I want to be normal meeting new people, socializing with my coworkers without feeling super uncomfortable or like everybody's judging me all the time, and I want to be able to communicate with my husband honestly. But on the other hand I like being in my little bubble.

Nothing wrong with researching this stuff. :P Nothing wrong with thinking it might be your diagnosis either. The idea of seeing a therapist may give you anxiety but honestly it may be good for you. Up to you though. A therapist is just a person paid to listen to you talk and to give you advice and help you figure things out. Of course, they're still a person - but the relationship is solely about you and everything you say is supposed to be confidential. Also you may find a therapist that's really nice and that you find you're able to open up to and that could help you. But you don't have to get help, you can stay the way you are if you're content with it.