Manic Episode Embarrassment

I have had about 4 full blown manic episodes since I have lived at my current residence of 10 years.

1st: I was hearing voices and attempted suicide...and was subsequently taken to ER for assessment and hospitalization.

>In between this one and the more recent ones I was taken to the ER by ambulance/police for attempted suicides and/or paranoid thoughts about my physical health.

2nd-4th: These ones were very embarrassing after I had stabilized and remembered parts of what I had done and said.

> I took my clothes off nearby were my home is, bent over and flashed my bum at neighbors, got on top of my car roof and slide done the front of my car, turned up the radio in car up loud and danced half naked flashing my chest, did minor property damage, called my neighbor a very very vulgar name and told the neighbor that he was going to be killed very soon, I wrote sexually explicit messages on neighbors cars (just with my fingers--cars were dirty), I was convinced that I was related to British Royality and that Elton John was my biological father......list goes on!

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Why am I triggered today? Why are these horrible memories coming back?

I just found out that someone that I flashed and heard me call my neighbor a vulgar name is now the president of the association were I live.

It has been close to 2 and half years since any bizarre behavior. I have never been arrested or convicted of any crimes at all related to my manic episodes...etc. No one on the association were I live has taken any legal action against me at all. I have received no nasty letters in my mail box. The former president of the association where I live has always said hello and how are you.......not get the H away from me....etc. Even when the power went out where I live and I went to his door and ask if his power was out as well....all he said was that the power would be on soon and did I want to borrow a flash light.

I still feel so very much embarrassed and ashamed of my behaviour!! I feel like hiding under a rock whenever I go outside to go to my car. I am a very private person and keep to myself. I don't have many friends and my only family member, my brother, will not deal with me because of my hospitalizations and having to pick up the pieces when I have had manic episodes...etc... . I make sure the outside of my home is well maintained so I don't draw unnecessary attention to myself.

I'll stop rambling on.......

What are your thoughts? comments? experiences?

I believe that people are more tolerant than we give them credit for. As long as you have not committed a crime or vandalized others property, you should be able to live a full life at your home without repurcussions from others. I hope that you have a good doctor and that you are checking in on a regular basis as you do deserve to feel your best and resume your life just like someone who does not have a chemical disorder. I wish you the BEST!

Slick399

(((((((((((Zen)))))))))))

I'm sorry you have had to go through such rough times. But you have an illness, a chemical emballance. You do the best that you can. Just like your nieghbors do. Probably better.

You have nothing to be ashamed about.

Good for you for trying so hard to be a good neighbor.

Take Care

My T has told me that embarrasment and shame is to be reserved for things we have control over. Sometimes we have no control over our bipolar behavior.

Another thing he says is a quote by Dr. Seuss: "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind, don't matter."

These things have been very helpful to me.

Hi Zen, I too have had very embarrassing moments when manic, so I can empathise with you. I would love to move house to hopefully leave the past behind but its too hard. All the best.

Move. I never stay in the same place more than a few years and never keep the same friends...it's just better that way. Then laugh at yourself...I mean really, it's embarassing, but you were crazy and hey, you were having fun right? It's not as if crazy people ranting and raving and getting naked in public is really hurting anyone. You did no damage, you simply said some rude words and showed off your naked butt...we all know dirty words and all have butts. Lighten up...It was an experience.

I'd LOVE to move somewhere else where no one knew of my manic episodes. Start life over again. Have some sense of privacy.

And yes ppl have seen naked bums and heard vulgar words before but when you are being judged negatively for it...it just compounds the event more and makes me feel like I am underneath a microscope.

Hey, those people are missing out on an experience...you know, the kind of experience where you could give a rats *** about what your neighbours think, you've got a breeze in your butt and it feels awesome...so there is a downfall, but personally, if people can't understand the drive to do such a thing, they're people not really worth associating with. Heck, I only associate with crazy people...I don't know what it is, but I seem to have a talent for pointing out the mentally ill and befriending them...it's in the way people walk and in a person's eye contact...you can tell who will at the very least imagine the drive behind such ridiculous behaviour and patronize you and forgive you for it.

I am not sure what I have but I stood in our local club and told everyone about the last two episodes I had. I had thoughts of hurting my children. I told everyone I was an acholic. I ask my cousin to fire me at a position. I got thrown out by police when I tried to get that job back. I thought everyone would hate me and they don't. You can't change the past so just move forward. You remeber it but alot of other people will understand you were sick and won't even think of that when they see you. I would not worry about it. I was told people do alot worst thing than what you did.