Feeling fine and not feeling fine at the same time

The voice in my head says, "You're not okay, you're not okay, you're not okay."
I try to ignore it. When I sleep, I sleep too little or too much. It's never enough. I have the most vivid dreams. Negative and positive.
I've been steadily gaining weight for a year. I'd say a pound a day, but that's an exaggeration.
I have to write out a budget over and over and over again. I called my mom at work today and asked her how much the water/electric was and when it was due and when she told me she'd tell me when I got home I broke down and cried.
I've picked up smoking again. I resent myself because of it.
I've walked more than an hour every day this week. I only feel good when I'm walking even though I'm fat and exhausted the whole time.
Can someone tell me the Lamictal ramp up? I quit my lamictal over 3 months ago and I'm ashamed to tell my doctor. Maybe I should call my pharmacy.
I feel crazy. Crazy is a nasty mean word.

If you went off your med. Especially the mood stablizer (I'm on too) you are going to feel all wacked out.
If you don't tell you doctor how are they going to help you?
Weight gain - I'll not take anything that has a side effect of....
Why did you stop Lamitcal?
Just asking - I didn't go off med.s but had a messed up Phsyc who let me go without for 2 weeks - I went totally into almost a state of dementcha
Of course I have a new Phsyc he's great.
I went today increase and added another medication.

Just when I think I've finally gotten balanced out - my brain starts to get immuned to a med....

Hope I haven't off stepped my bounds.

Lamictal makes me tired and sick. I'm on Lithium as well. Lithium has always helped me.
Weight gain should really be the least of your worries with bipolar. The medications I'm taking me that have caused me to gain weight have saved me from my own hand.
25mg 2 weeks
50 mg 2 weeks
100 mg 2 weeks
200 mg 2 weeks
400 mg 2 weeks (split)
Here's how we'll go forward.

That's great for you - but gaining the weight with all the other trauma mental and chemical distrubances - Weight gain is the FINALLY straw - So Off them for me ASAP or dire steps

I think I just need to work out a lot and eat better. That will help with my mood too.
I so badly don't want to be flopped onto more pills. I'm more stable than I have been in years. I dunno. It just seems so hopeless. I only have a handful of pills left to try.
I have to keep my job. I can't be late again or I lose it.
I don't know why this has to be so hard or why I have to feel so completely alone in this.