[BNLsMOM]

I was better off when I was in the dark and had no idea why I was such a flake and could never really get anywhere in life. Now I am a zombie, but it isn't from meds. It's from a complete lack of caring about anything anymore and when I do begin to care about something it hurts so badly that all I can do is cry.

I can't get anyone to understand the depth of the depression I am in and when I try to explain it they say I am beating myself up over small things, I have to change my thinking and that my meds will kick in soon when I am up to a therapeutic level.

I would rather disappear and sleep. Looking back I have been in a depressive episode for over a year, with a few nice days and occassionally week thrown in.

I am tired and I only got my official diagnosis in June.

I have been up and down so many times over the last 15 years and maybe longer. I just want some relief. This past episode has done me in.

I am not even making any sense right now.

I am sorry for being so negative all the time. I'll stop posting till I feel better.

[WondrWoman]

Something I tell my husband when he is feeling like this is to NOT make any decisions about your life or anything heavy when you know that you are depressed. You can't possibly be logical or rational when you feel so bad. So don't think about anything heavy. Don't watch the news or sad movies. Watch the Comedy channel or a light movie. Try consciously not to get too heavy. If you want, you could write down thoughts that bother you so you can "shelve" it for tomorrow or on a day that you are feeling better. Hang in there!

[Amazonmom]

When you are that depressed, it's hard to even participate in therapy let alone have it stick.

Is there a pdoc that will follow you after the partial is over? Just want to make sure that someone is looking out for you.

You are welcome here in any state...but if you choose not to post that is okay too.

Good luck.

[thinker22]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I can't get anyone to understand the depth of the depression I am in and when I try to explain it they say I am beating myself up over small things, I have to change my thinking and that my meds will kick in soon when I am up to a therapeutic level.

I would rather disappear and sleep. Looking back I have been in a depressive episode for over a year, with a few nice days and occassionally week thrown in.

BNLsMom, I've been having the same problem and just got diagnosed a month ago, and have been in the depressive phase for nearly 2 years with the rare kind of relief you're talking about. No one else does get it who hasn't felt it. They are so lucky they'll never have such a terrible episode (except for maybe temporarily and naturally after a loved one dies). The issue is complicated. You can only try to explain what it feels like to family, friends, and doctors, but they can't feel the anguish and sometimes they fail to understand or take it seriously. You are not a bad person or a weak person or a lazy person for having depression or bipolar. Remember that no one would say to a heart patient that they should will away their disease. That would be immoral and deadly to not have them see a doctor or have the proper medications. Or to a diabetic: think of all the things you have to be grateful for.

Mental illness still has a heavy stigma in this country and others. You're either lumped into the crazy bin or the "just trying to get out of working" bin. In fact, most people with chemical imbalances like us are very hard working, love our friends and families dearly, are conscientious, intelligent, and had a helluva lot of bad things happen to us. We feel guilty when we are incapacitated and wish we could "snap out of it." We would if we could, but again, would you blame someone who was born blind for not being able to see and tell him he was just being lazy and deny him a seeing eye dog as punishment? That's what misguided people are doing when they say you "should" just move on with your life and stop "feeling sorry for yourself." We are crippled and cannot get by without meds and therapy and training ourselves skills to deal with this disorder. It's very hurtful what people who have never had this condition say in their ignorance.

Do everything you need to to get well. Try to shut out their negativity. And tell your doctors when a med is not working or making you feel worse. Stay in therapy as long as you need to. For some of us, it's like meds, we'll need them for the rest of our lives.

We care about you. It's awful to feel so bad. I hope you'll stay in touch.

[BNLsMOM]

Amazingly, today was a better day. I'll take it and not question where it came from or why.

[jattitude]

I am glad to here you had a good day today, hopefully another tomorrow. As far as not posting until you are feeling better, it is up to you,but where else can you be totally honest on how you feel and get honest responces in return, besides therapy of course.

[thinker22]

Glad you had a slightly better day. More proof that it's the whim of our chemicals. I wake up every day not knowing what to expect either. I've had a couple of days of relief of severe depression and nothing has changed externally or with meds. Baffling. Just underlying depression, ya know.



Wishing you the best.