[Lauru]

I went inpatient on July6th, after following through on a really dumb idea. I also relapsed on my addiction as well. Again, stupid. I have been in a depression now for over a month. I am scared and I don't know what to do. I am constantly thinking bad thoughts and craving the alcohol again. I am in more therapy, including an Intensive Outpatient Program. This just sucks. And I had to vent a little. That's also why I haven't been on here the past couple of weeks.

[amaviena]

((((((((((((((Lauru)))))))))))))))))) I was worried about you. I'm glad you're still with us.

[thinker22]

I wondered what happened to you. I thought you were on vacation or something...doesn't sound like a planned one.

It's been an insane rollercoaster for me the past few weeks too, but nothing like what you're talking about. Only momentary bad/invasive thoughts, but mostly just sleeping during the worst downswings.

So sorry you're going through it. Hope you get better soon, but even if you're still hurting, we love you just the way you are.

Take care of you. Don't worry about anything else. Once you feel a little better, things will come back into perspective. They always do. And when they do, don't beat up on yourself. You didn't ask for this disease. None of us did. You just have to deal with it as it hurls it's unforeseeable darts. Someday, I hope there will be a drug/treatment designed specifically for bipolar disorder. Then we'll be able to get on with our lives already! Because this sucks.

Here to listen whenever you need me.

[Amazonmom]

Oh, that sucks, Lauru. I missed you.

Welcome back.

[Lauru]

Thanks all for the kind words. I am hanging in, barely, but still... I am off work for another month. That would be a total of 2 months off. I hope I have a job when I get back. And I will be starting school at the end of Aug too. I hope I'm up for it.

[thinker22]

I hope you can get some disability to make up for not being able to work.

I'm trying not to stress about school in the fall, although we start a month later than most colleges. I switched my major to studio art, so finally I'll be doing something I already love to do in my spare time (when I'm not depressed). I had so much energy last night I wanted to stay up and paint or write or sculpt. In the end I crashed between 1 and 2pm, and then it was hard to wake up this morning. Argh.

I'm glad you have time to get well, though. Relax, don't expect too much out of yourself. If you lose your job, it may be an opportunity to find something that you'll like more or suits you better. I don't know what you do, but that's how I look at it when I get fired or promoted and I didn't like/want the job anyway.

What's your major and what year are you?

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by thinker22

I'm glad you have time to get well, though. Relax, don't expect too much out of yourself. If you lose your job, it may be an opportunity to find something that you'll like more or suits you better. I don't know what you do, but that's how I look at it when I get fired or promoted and I didn't like/want the job anyway.

What's your major and what year are you?

I work in early childhood education at an after school program. I am an assistant teacher. I am going to take two more classes so I can become a site supervisor or master teacher. I already have a BA in psychology. I was going to be a therapist, but then I got really sick and realized I can't do that work. It triggers my own symptoms. Plus, after I get the permit for site supervisor, I want to go get my MA in Child Development and teach at the community college level. I have lofty dreams, but in reality I'm hanging out in the gutter.Oh well, such is life...

[thinker22]

What often surprises people who know little about mental illness and practically nothing about bipolar disorder, is that we are very accomplished in spite of our handicap! With our brain always attacking us, it's amazing to graduate from anything. And we're often ambitious and are idealists with lofty goals. That's cool that you work with kids. I remember now. Soz, blame it on the meds.

Your graduating with a bachelors is like a masters for most people and high school for us is like a bachelors, etc. So going for your masters is the equivalent of a PhD and that's awesome! Go you.

I just want to get my bachelors, but it's going to take me 13 years if nothing goes wrong, perhaps more. The good news is it's already taken me 11, so only 2.5 more.

Follow your dreams. You only lose if you don't try. And hells ya, we're all tryin'!

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by thinker22

What often surprises people who know little about mental illness and practically nothing about bipolar disorder, is that we are very accomplished in spite of our handicap! With our brain always attacking us, it's amazing to graduate from anything. And we're often ambitious and are idealists with lofty goals. That's cool that you work with kids. I remember now. Soz, blame it on the meds.

Your graduating with a bachelors is like a masters for most people and high school for us is like a bachelors, etc. So going for your masters is the equivalent of a PhD and that's awesome! Go you.

I just want to get my bachelors, but it's going to take me 13 years if nothing goes wrong, perhaps more. The good news is it's already taken me 11, so only 2.5 more.

Follow your dreams. You only lose if you don't try. And hells ya, we're all tryin'!

I agree, I spent 8 years getting my BA, in and out of the hospital, different diagnoses, and different med cocktails. But it was worth it. So who cares if it takes you 13 years? You are trying and accomplishing your goals. Go you!

[thinker22]

Yeah, I gots 182 credits between my 4 colleges, I think I mentioned somewhere, and you only need 180 to graduate if'n you fulfill all the requirements of a degree program, but I'm not one to jump through hoops.

Anyway of the 112 credits from my associate's degree, the current college hadn't accepted any of them for the first 2 years I've been here because that was a non-regionally accredited college, but in the past couple of weeks they accepted 44 units from it (seeing as how I'm such an awesome student when I'm not having a breakdown ) The only catch is that they're all considered electives until I go department by department and prove that each is the equivalent of something already offered at this university. Blah. So at least I'm not an eternal sophomore...I was a freshman in fall of '07 even though I had 151 units if the first college had been counted! I've been a sophomore for a year and a half, now I get to skip right into being a junior, AGAIN.

Doesn't it feel like, sometimes, we have to go forward to go backward to go forward again?

Okay, my brain wants a holiday from all these numbers. TTFN and thanks again.

[Lauru]

Yeah, the colleges have to be regionally accredited to transfer easily. Which sucks, especially after you doing all that hard work. At least it prepares you for more classes at the new college. I start college in a few weeks again, a little worried about it and starting my job again. I'm still not quite on my feet yet and fully up to speed. It is a slow press. Ah well...

[thinker22]

Eh, you'll do fine. Remember that school is your choice and if you decide it's more painful than it's worth, you can always do something else. Or you can take a break for a quarter or semester. I've done it before and I'll probably do it again. Sigh. But I want to get it done before I'm 40 ya know?

[Lauru]

I understand completely. And you're right, if I need to I can always take the semester off. I forget that. I get into this "have to" mode and think the world will end if I can't follow "the plan".

[thinker22]

Me too. Visual perception/reading problem, bipolar, and perfectionism don't mix! I drive myself crazy trying to memorize everything. Not to brag, just as an example of my neurosis, but I seriously get upset when I get an A- overall in a class. I've received 2 in my college career, only one of which I deserved. I'd still like a little harmless revenge on that snide prof. Too bad he's in another state.

See, if we were quitters, why would we keep coming back after all this torture? Oh yeah, we're also masochists.