Forgiveness!

I'm glad your pdoc trusts you playing with your meds, I guess it's pretty safe to assume you're not going to do anything stupid since you don't like meds to begin with.

Yea, sleep is very important if you have BP. I'm glad you finally got some much needed zzzzzzz's. I hope you have an easier time of it tonight, maybe even without the meds, although with having 14 hrs last night, maybe it might be difficult?

Yea, my big productive plans for today never happened. What else is new.

I, too, am concerned about how lasts nights 14 hrs of sleep is going to affect me this evening. I'm just gonna keep busy until I feel tired and then try to sleep. I still have meds for it if need be, but that is an absolute last resort. I just hate the way they make it so hard to get up in the morning and I have a big mtg at 8am tomorrow. I know what you mean, there's been times I've had meds to sleep at my disposal and it never even occurs to me to take it. I just lay awake all night praying for sweet sleep. lol. We must be glutants for punishment or something.
Thinking of you. TgrsPurr. xo

Okay, so, I've had further thoughts and growth in the area of forgiveness. It doesn't matter if I'm actively involved with the ppl I wish to forgive. It's an internal process displayed in action. It's a continual process. In acknowledging the bad memories and forgiving the ppl involved, I am then free to wish them well, to pray for blessings for them. I ask God to forgive them just as He has forgiven me. Where is it that we can say that we've never hurt another, even very badly. Therefore I can relate to my transgressor and forgive them just as I have forgiven myself. Allow them to save face in the light of their wrong doing. It following this process I am free to be healed, become a more positive and uplifting person and able to unload some of my baggage, freeing myself to move forward to the next issue...healthier and stronger to tackle that next issue. Life is about growing, progressing, transforming. I cannot do that if I become stagnant and continue the same unhealthy habits, lifestyle and thoughts. I'm also able to have more faith in ppl in general. To not internalize others wrong doing toward me. And thereby set a good example for others to grow and learn too. When it comes time for me to die...I want the world to be a better place for my having been here. That comes in supporting others, encouraging others, setting a good example for others, forgiving others and serving our fellow man. I truly believe this and it makes me feel good inside. Life is about exploration, exploration of the inner self and the outer self. TgrsPurr.

Very nicely put, I haver learned to forgive ppl in my past and also learned to let the past stay there if I look back I only suffer, growth is moving on to a new and challangeing world, meeting new friends and supporting
Ang

Well said Ang! I love you very much. You're a very reliable type of person. I admire that quality in you. TgrsPurr. xo

Kinda like a old penny, I always return hee hee
Ang

First I'll ask for your forgiveness up front cuz I haven't had enough sleep, 2 cats making too much noise had me up waaaaaaaaaaaay too early this morning. In fact, I'm so tired I'm going back to bed but thought I'd make some sort of attempt at replying this anyway. I hope I don't screw it up.

I agree, you do not have to be actively involved with someone to forgive them. It is an internal action. For me, I have to examine whatever the situation was and process it, then I'll be able to forgive them. I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately, especially in therapy. I think most times something has happened between myself and someone else, I don't look at it as having to forgive someone else, which is probably not a good thing, because that means that I'm putting the blame more so on myself and therefore I need to forgive myself. That is much harder for me to do. I know I am not always or maybe never the only one who is at fault and I need to remember that. But I guess this is where my self-hatred comes into play and if I blame myself then it gives me all the more reason to hate myself. Why do I want to do this? I don't really know to be honest. You would think I would want to look for reasons to like myself instead of the opposite. Why do I let the other person off the hook sometimes? Of course, there are times I do see some of the fault lying with the other person. I guess the severity of their transgression is considered on how quickly I can forgive. It would also depend on who that other person is, how close I am to them and how badly hurt I am. Geez, it doesn't sound like I do too well in the forgiveness issue. I thought I did but now typing this out, I'm starting to question myself but I do agree it's an internal process that doesn't even require the other person whatsoever. It also doesn't require the other person apologizing for me to forgive them. Sure that would be nice but it's not a necessity. Even if I find it difficult to forgive someone, I always wish them well. I'm not a vindictive person, never have been, never will be. I wish everybody well. I'm sure that I have, in fact, I know that I have hurt others badly and that rips apart my very being. Not healthy at all for me and something I have been working on in therapy. I'll do whatever I can to avoid hurting someone, even to my own detriment. But that's not to say that it doesn't happen anyway unintentionally because it's unavoidable. My problem is that I can't live with myself afterwards. It all comes back to self-forgiveness, extremely hard for me. I find it a LOT easier to forgive someone else before I can ever forgive myself. So, I don't get the healing that you are able to acquire.

I think I can support and encourage others very easily. To me that is a totally separate issue than forgiveness, whether it be to someone else for myself. As I said, forgiving others comes a lot easier than forgiving myself. Why? because I can't live with myself knowing I've hurt someone. I guess I almost feel like I'm unforgivable, I don't know, maybe I don't feel worthy enough for forgiveness, maybe it's because I just don't like myself enough to forgive myself. "Sometimes" on these boards, I "almost" feel like I'm the only one who deals with this, although I know it's not true because I've read other people's posts where they say very negative things about themselves. But there seems to be a lot of people, like yourself, that appear to have no problem with liking themselves and self-esteem. Either that or it's never posted. Not sure which.

So bottom line is I rarely feel good inside. I don't like myself enough for that. I need to find that from within, I know that, but I'm not there yet. At this point, I'm looking at outside forces to help me feel that way and I know that's not supposed to be how it works.

I've talked about this in therapy and my therapist said that all of this comes from my childhood and the way I was raised. Never being told that I was loved, never being hugged, etc and whatever I did was never good enough. Therefore, all of that has carried with me throughout the years. So, I know what I do wrong, I know why I do it, now I have to figure out how to fix that. It won't happen overnight. I have to unlearn the way I was brought up so that I can be nice to myself. No small order.

I hope I replied in the manner in which you wanted. My brain is still asleep and my eyes barely open, heading back to bed. Sorry if I didn't make any sense, talked in circles and/or wasn't even on topic.

I feel inferior.

Suggestion AG:

Can you at the very least say to yourself and BELIEVE "I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I use to be!"'

That is where I started.
TgrsPurr. xo

Another suggestion AG:

Contemplate and examine your intention and motivation behind easily forgiving others and then apply it to yourself and enter down another journey of forgiveness. If your intention and motivation behind easily forgiving others is unhealthy, you'll at least know that now and be able to correct it. Write about it if you need help focusing your thoughts and emotions on that particular aspect of forgiveness.

hope this helps. TgrsPurr. xo

Yes, I can say that. I don't have a problem with that at all.

Wow! this is terrific, your post I am sure is very much appreciated, sharing insight with others, and the things that help you.
I feel that when I finally started letting go, and moving on, it open doors to me for me, I felt free.
I have different levels of forgiveness according to the situation, I don't make or have these levels planned, it just comes from within but whatever they can free your soul of just stagnating and fueling hatred and hurt, endless cycle, going know where, so unproductive.
It's great to be free of this black whole, tha all so often we get sucked down into, and it is possible to recover and move on
Thanks for sharing your post, it was so enlightening.

Sincerely,

DE

Thank you DE, it's always great to hear your replies. Very insightful and intelligent. I enjoy you.

I understand what your saying in your reply and you're right that there are levels of forgiveness, but ultimatley the goal is to reach total forgiveness of ourselves first and then others, only then are we free of that particular stronghold in our lives. I want to encourage you on your personal journey of forgiveness. TgrsPurr. xo

((((((((((( TGR )))))))))))))))

Thanks for your kind words, they are very much appreciated

DE