[bridgie]

Two days ago I was laying in bed balling and today I feel the chemicals rushing through my brain. I feel like I may say and do things I may regret. Yet I dnt care. Hahahaha I don't give a whopping doodly doo. I'm trying to keep my mouth shut so I don't say the wrong thing. It is hard I just wnt to just say and do all kinds of thinks. Ooh the ideas the fun I cld have I have to control it not let it control meeeee. So far since I've awoken I've literally had like 5 whole conversationss with myself about what to do and stuff I dnt know. It cxrazy. I'm full of energy. That I haven't had in a while. I am being more self destructive. I really have to be careful whom I associate with right now I cld easily do some crazy things. Ahaaha. I dnt know

[thinker22]

Sounds like fun. Be careful if you get too high. Definitely be around someone who's safe and stable and can give you good advice. The crash will come, it's just a matter of when. Are you on meds?

[bridgie]

No no meds I hate meds I quit everytime I starts. I never. Want to be on them I don't need them.

[thinker22]

Yeah, I want to quit mine too, but I will probably crash soon if I don't get some regular sleep. Plus, I hate it when the depression comes back.

[bridgie]

Ah the depression it came and went and came again all in a day. I got some ativan from a doc to ease the anxiety. I'm going up and up right now but two minutes ago seriously I was balling like a baby. I forsee that happening again. I have an appt soon but I dnt want to go I may cancel by the time it hits I won't need to go anymore ill be more even again. Anyway I think I can take care of it without some doc puting chmicals into my body that make it so a icant function properly

[thinker22]

I was where you are from age 20-29 (and more recently last week). I never wanted to have any meds because I'd had such a terrible experience on Paxil (first psychotropic drug I was ever on) at age 20. So, I thought all meds would make me psychotic like that. But they don't. When I tried again, due to insomnia and depression last summer, I got a string of SSRIs, also not good for me. Made me feel depressed, anxious, irritable, angry, or had no effect at all. But they were trying to treat unipolar depression so of course it wouldn't work or make me feel worse.

These days, there are quite a few drugs they can give to bipolar people that over time have a good effect. Lamictal seems to be helping me although it's been like a placebo for the first month as they ramped up the dosage ever so slightly every 2 weeks. It's nothing like Lithium from what I read, but it will help with crying spells followed by highs followed by anger, etc. I can still get hypomanic on it so far, so that's not even been taken away.

So, I understand your not wanting to be drugged and I still wonder if the side effects aren't worse than just riding the waves of our emotions, but my sense of well being is improving now that I'm not on what doesn't work (SSRIs, SSNRIs) and am on an anti-convulsant. Think about it, one medication that could just help your brain to not be out of control, but not interfere with normal emotions. It's possible and advances are being made all the time.

I hope you'll not give up. I've wanted to/want to still so many times, but really what other option do we have? Freaking everyone out, including ourselves by our bizarre behavior/emotions. Not being able to hold down a job or support ourselves? Staying up all night doing nothing important (at least I usually play video games and surf the net and can't remember what I was looking for or if I found it the next day); then sleeping for days the next week? Being suicidal one month, hating the way you feel and then loving everyone, and acting recklessly the next? It's really not much of a life at all, although when on the high everything seems great. Our emotions controlling us constantly really is a waste of what we might be doing if we could focus our minds for longer periods of time with somewhat normal sleep.

You will encounter many drugs that keep you from "functioning properly." Those aren't the right ones for you! A good one will help you to feel better than you normally do, since depression is the usual state of most bipolar people.

Take what you want out of this. Just another perspective from one who still is not totally balanced but feels like there are no viable alternatives than meds, therapy, and exercise (all 3, not just one). Our brain chemistry is messed up, so if you lack something that most people have and add whatever you're missing, the doc isn't trying to control you, he or she is trying to help you feel better.

[bridgie]

Right at this moment I feel a strange sense of calm I know it won't last and I know thoughts of all sorts of things are lurking behind this veil. I'm waiting and testing to see the results. Maybe ill get the answers I'm seeking and maybe ill make up my own based on what really does happen. This may sound all cryptic and it sort of is bcz I'm not even really sure what I'm doing.

[thinker22]

If you see Puff the magic dragon, tell him I want my bong back.

No, I'm kidding. I couldn't resist. I get like that too were I feel strangely calm and good, but it's always on the way to something else...high or low and either way it will eventually suck. Enjoy it while it lasts.

[bridgie]

Today is the day I feel sooo good. I'm up up up and thinker I dnt think puff cld get this high. I feel I need to be careful as my self destructive side comes out way strong when I'm up. I dnt want to put myself into any bad situations. I've been pretty good lately but I feel like running off on a wild adventure into the great unknown. Where will I go I dnt know but I'm sure I will be back I kinda like it here.

[thinker22]

I have serious wanderlust too when i'm in one of my irritable impulsive manic phases. they seldom last more than a couple of week, but sometimes have gone for months. go on a wild virtual adventure if you don't think you'll be safe out in the real world. Although I was easily bored with it, some people like Second Life. Or role playing games.

But then, you may no longer be feeling adventurous. However you're feeling, we're here for you.