[ohthefun]

Hi. I'm a new member and this is my first post. I've ended up signing on to this website this night because my mental health has been on my mind a lot this summer. I'm pretty sure I have bipolar 2, perhaps with a bit of PTSD and obessive/ implusive tendecies. I spent my childhood and adolescence in a medication/marijuana coma. I came out of it when I turned 18, and I spent my 18th year completely off medication for the first time in nine years. The year went by with some mild trauma but I seemed to get by just fine in the end, and I accomplished in my social and professional life more in 1 year than I ever had before. However, when I got in to my first relationship and it failed to work out, I realized that something like that would never happen for me unless I went back on medication. Now that I'm back on I feel like a bit like a zombie again, though not as much because I'm on much less medicine (lamactal) than I once was. I've also been feeling darker and generally less happy. I was feeling really angry and said/did a couple of inappropriate things to my friends that hurt them, although that was not my intention. I guess what I'm trying to enunciate is that I'm feeling pretty bad, and almost like I can't control myself, but at the same time I can. It's hard because I feel like I am right on the border-- I'm not out of control enough to need treatment but at the same time I know I'm a little bit different from everyone else. I'm trying to come to terms with and I'm feeling a bit lost and I really don't know what to do. Can anyone relate? Thoughts? I don't know anyone else who is bipolar and it would be nice to hear from people who sometimes do things they can't control and would like to fix it, too

vanessa

ps. also: tips on impulse control techniques?

[VickiesPath]

Hello Vanessa (ohthefun) and welcome to PC,

I am bipolar also and my mania does not include psychosis so no one can agree whether it's I or II but I don't really care cuz I'm feeling OK on my meds and that's what matters.

Impulses and behaviors that you feel you cannot control are definite symptoms of bipolar illness. They can be OCD, too. PTSD, which I've had also, is a little different. There are not so many impulsive or compulsive tendencies as there are anxiety, overreactions, distancing from people, hypervigilence (looking out for bad things to happen), insecurity, and a few other things. You had a question about meds. Some people choose to live without them. It is difficult, but they do it. I choose to take medication. I feel more even and can depend on my moods better. There are so many medications to choose from these days, I don't know why you wouldn't want to try some of the new ones and see if they help you. You mentioned Lamictal. I took that at one time and liked it but after 8 months, the dreaded rash showed up. If you feel like a zombie on meds, then they are not adjusted correctly. I don't feel like a zombie. I feel generally good and I take both a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant.

I would ask your doctor about med changes. Also, write anytime you have a question. There are lots of people here, lots of bipolars, too. We all care and welcome your posts.

[rcsweep]

[. I was feeling really angry and said/did a couple of inappropriate things to my friends that hurt them, although that was not my intention. I guess what I'm trying to enunciate is that I'm feeling pretty bad, and almost like I can't control myself, but at the same time I can. It's hard because I feel like I am right on the border-- I'm not out of control enough to need treatment but at the same time I know I'm a little bit different from everyone else. I'm trying to come to terms with and I'm feeling a bit lost and I really don't know what to do. Can anyone relate? Thoughts? I don't know anyone else who is bipolar and it would be nice to hear from people who sometimes do things they can't control and would like to fix it, too

vanessa

I can relate alot. say and do all sorts of things to piss people off, it's like i'm watching myself do it. usually feel horrible afterwards. didn't understand why for years until dxs bipolar. the thing about not being out of control enough is your still out of control, get help before you have no choice. i nearly lost everything.

[FeelingHopeful]

Aww Vanessa. Hugs to you!! Im not bipolar but I have an uncle i believe is. So I study about it and try to educate myself. First off . Never Ever Feel ashamed! Its nothing to be ashamed of.It is a medical condition like others have other conditions. Do you have family or close friends you can talk to? Having support and acceptance is important. You need that. Also taking medication though you may feel you might not need could help stabilize your mood swings. If you ever need to talk. Im here.

[thinker22]

Welcome. I was diagnosed a few months ago and am Bipolar I...formerly thought II but they'd never seen me manic...now they have.

I know what you mean about impulse control. For the past 2 days I've had very little when it comes to shopping. But I normally hate shopping! I also say and do things that later make me feel embarrassed then I call myself names and say negative things afterward.

It sucks. Don't blame yourself, just try to make amends when you're feeling better. Also, I agree with Vickie...meds alteration/change sounds in order. The lethargy/zombie thing you're describing is how I felt on Seroquel. They switched me to Abilify and I'm feeling much better. Still manic, but oh well, not depressed and sleeping most of the day. I'm also on Lamictal and Wellbutrin.

Hope you'll call you're p-doc and have something changed soon.

Feel free to share any time. Everyone I've met on this forum is very nice and understanding.

[FeelingHopeful]

Thinker 22 Would you be open to talking about this? Im trying to learn about it because I believe it runs in my family. I want to educate myself more.

[thinker22]

Absolutely. Do you want to PM? Do you want my email addy? Can talk on the phone too if you've not got a phobia or it's not long distance (out of US). I fear phones only when I'm depressed, but I'm chatty manic these days.

I hope to understand my family tree better as well. I'm doing this chart and it's incomplete because I need to ask relatives questions but I think I'll offend them.

I can only explain my experience, but it does seem to line up (only better) than most of the descriptions of bipolar disorder.



I'll be checking in after my walk, but then I'll be gone from 10:30 - 4 PST. To give you an idea, it's 7am right now here.

Stay in touch.

[FeelingHopeful]

Thank you thinker 22! I cant really talk about thir with family and friends. No one wants to underrtand my uncle. They just judge him and it frustrates me . I would rather pm. Is that ok? I hope you can talk to your relatives

[thinker22]

Me too. Go ahead and PM. I'll be around off and on tonight. I need to calm down seriously. So out of control in my mind/body manic right now. But my thinking is still sharp. I'm trying to behave myself, although I really haven't much today.

[FeelingHopeful]

ok will do. Im not feeling so good right now but will be around on the wknd so i will pm then. Thanks!

[amaviena]

every bipolar FYI book I'm aware of has a "how to say sorry afterwards" portion. You need meds that are correct and then you can start picking up the pieces.