[Lissa]

I just feel that my mental health is deterorating fast.Sometimes I just feel so full of anger and resentment I feel like throwing things around and breaking things around the house,but the sound of things breaking kinda gets on my nerves and frustrates me a bit,so I usually don't do it.But then there are these horrible times where all my anger pops out and it is scary,a couple of weeks ago I was out on the streets screaming to a 40-something stranger(I'm 18),yelling out dirty words on the street in front of my little brother.I know I should,and when this happened to me in the past I always did,but I don't feel a tad bit ashamed of it now,actually everytime I find that same man on the street I just wish he could say something to me so I could scream to him a little more and blow out some more steam.In the past(but not in the past month)I have threatned people.I am usually quite pacific and proud myself on being very controlled and kind to everyone,quite able to handle people's conflicts,but sometimes I just lose it,and lately I've been losing it a lot.I keep wishing people could do something harmful to me so I would have a reason to yell at them.

Also,I have this times where my mood changes to black without anything in particular causing it to change.It starts off normal,then it escalades through all shades of grey,then it is full blown black and I just stand in a corner thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking and hating everyone and pitying myself.It's just a downward spiral of self-loath and anger.

I currently hate everyone,and feel abandoned and left out.I am a very understanding,intuitive person who genuinely likes to take care of others and who is very good at guessing people's moods and nurturing them;yet,I find that people can never,ever,pick on my moods and help bring me up when I'm down.I feel that I have no real friends,no one who will be there for me unconditionally,one of my best friends can't even come see me in the weekends because he thinks we live too far way(we're 30 minutes apart...by walk.He could take the bus and be here in less than five minutes!I have walked to his house a million times in the past!),he basicly puts other people ahead of me.My own boyfriend puts his own needs ahead of mine,and I have grown to ressent him a LOT and feel that he is only with me for the sex.I am plotting and endless revenge against those who have hurt me.I am quite good at picking up on people's weaknesses and I have never,ever used this to my advantage but now I couldn't care less,look where being good has brought me.

I wasn't like this person before.I wasn't exacly a saint,well far from it,but I was always kind and generous and very giving and understanding.I genuinely enjoeyd people,and getting along with people,and though I have always felt very lonely and not loved enough I was far from being 'evil'.Now I feel like the evil character from children's cartoons.I cannot love myself,seeing how mean my thoughts are.At the same time,while I used to blame it all on me before and put the whole weight of the world on my back,now I feel like the world is wrong,not me.I was wronged.

My lame mom says she can't afford a consultation with my psychiatrist this month,when I know she can.I don't have an income yet,so I depend on her and my father.I just wish I could have someone to talk to,but being that she won't take me to a psychiatrist who will I be talking to?

I have a handfull of problems at hand right now.I got kicked out of the house by my parents in the Summer,my parents split a month ago,my boyfriend and I split up a million times,and I'll have to wait until December to find out if I have uterine/endometrial cancer,the HVP virus or an infection.Plus,my driving exam is fast approaching,and today while practicing I hit the car on a tree.It's just too much for me to take at one time!

You may be wondering why I'm posting this under the bipolar section...well,I've battling depression for almost four years and I was diagnosed bipolar by two pedopsychiatrists a while ago.I'm on Depakine,Risperdal and sertraline but it isn't really helping out.I have taken all sorts of drugs,especially antipsychotics,but they do nothing but leave me sleepy.

This just all feels very desperating...

[perpetuallysad]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. You seem to have a good handle on understanding yourself and your feelings, that's really good. I don't have a ton of answers for you, because I am full of problems too, but I can say I am really similar to you in that I am really nurturing and caring to my family, but they never seem to pick up on or understand my feelings. This exact same thing made me pretty much cut everyone out of my life-I have no friends whatsoever and I don't even try to get friends. I end up being too emotionally vulnerable and I resent the people who I have given so much of myself to.

Arg. Sorry, I just added instead of giving you any good ideas.
Just know you aren't alone.

Good luck.

[VickiesPath]

Hi, Lissa,

I'm really glad you are here and posted about what's going on with you. Sounds like so much that I would be screaming at people, too.

I'm a bit puzzled by something. If you are 18, why aren't you able to get state assistance on your own? I don't know where you live but it would seem to me that you might qualify for your own assistance independent of your parents? You might check into it.

We are always here for you to talk to. There are many, many terrific people here who will listen to you and who have been where you are and can understand the frustrations you go through.

[Lissa]

Hello there to the of you!

Well to complicate things even further,I failed my driving exam.My dad didn't want to pay for extra driving classes and the driving school took to long to schedule my exam,so I hadn't touched my car for one month and a half when I went on my driving exam yesterday.I let the engine die five times.Five times,that's a lot.I drove for only 5 minutes before the examiner told me to stop the car.

During this time I had driving lessons with my dad,which is not only illegal,but turned out to be counter productive,because my dad's car is very different from the car where I had to take my exam.So,not only did I fail,and failing the exam is not exacly the problem,but the problem is that I went through the humiliation of my life,as my driving exam was nothing less but a complete shame.My dad made me lose my time,made us do something illegal,made me hit a tree with his car,and then made me look stupid on my driving exam.

Not to mention-my mom did something stupid a couple of days ago-something that affected my little brother and that she now regrets-but my dad is punishing her heavily for that,and I have to hear him saying these horrible things about my mom.

It is just so sad-I had to learn how to manipulate in order to "survive",because I wasn't this person before.But being good has brought me nowhere.I was nice to everyone and I was miserable,now I am still miserable but at least I get the things I want/need.

Vickie-the medical care system here in Portugal works very slow,if it's not a live or die matter no one cares and it would take me months to get an appointment with a psychiatrist.I would kill myself before I had an appointment with a doctor.

Perpetuallysad-it's OK,I understand,you just needed to vent.I need to vent too,let all this things go.I don't think I can hold all this much longer.

Well I am mostly sad because I feel like I am losing myself,changing into a wosrt person-well I was never perfect but I was quite nice to everyone,kind and compassionate.Now I couldn't care less,I want what I want when I want it and if someone gets hurt while I try to reach my goals well bad luck for you.

[beautifulmadness]

gentle (((((hugs))))) Lissa... I know exactly what you are saying as that was like reading my own story. I'm sorry your medical care system isn't really great.. I feel fortunate that I have disability income due to my mental illness's. Something that has helped me for the past 20 years of this journey is to keep a journal.. it's private and is a really good way to express yourself and your emotions without hurting anyone. It's also a good way to keep up with your moods and what triggers them. I am so sorry that you feel yourself losing yourself and changing into a different person. .. that is a very difficult thing to experience. I am always here if you need someone to chat with or PM or just continue to post to. You are not alone in your struggles .. we are all here to help one another and thank goodness we have an awesome place here to do just that.
there's always hope.. and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.. even ours..
~beautiful madness~