Is it the weather?

Or the time of year? Or because I'm starting a major depressive episode right now? It seems like when I read on here, more and more people are posting the same things that I am feeling...uselessness, hopelessness, helplessness (ok, I could think of a lot more -lessnesses, but you get the point). I am having a supremely bad time right now. I've gone through fits of crying that have lasted for hours, I feel alone and worthless (AGAIN). My pdoc is out of town (he's supposed to be back sometime today)...but anyway, do you think its the time of year? I have always found I love Christmas time, but then minutes after my son opens the presents there is this gigantic letdown and I spiral into a depression until springtime. This year I'm doing the same thing, but earlier. Of course, I did stop taking my antipsychotic on my own (I know, I know), so I think this has a lot to do with it, but it leads me to believe if I weren't on any medicine it seems like this is just a time of year when my cycle is extremely low. Today I am more detached, Sunday I was furious, I don't remember much of yesterday-I guess just blah. When does it freaking end? I once tried to explain my mind and the way I think to my pdoc (same as my T) and the best way I could describe things in that every hour is a small circle, everyday a little larger, every week larger still, until you get to the entire year which is this huge circle that sits on a stack of all the years past (each month touching the same month of years past). So today would be a big circle (in my head picture) made up of 24 small circles, and a year would be made up of 12 large circles made of up of progressively smaller circles. Geezus, I know this makes no sense. But my point is that its like I spin around and around and around and the only thing that changes is the year.

It absolutely could be the time of year. Many, many people have difficulties in the winter months. One of the biggest reasons is because the days are so short, and we haven't even reached the shortest daylight of the year yet (that being the first day of winter). It's one reason why seasonal affective disorder is so huge... people affected by depression only in the winter months. I have heard of people with bipolar disorder using light therapy at home for the winter months but you would have to be cautious with that as too much could send you into a hypomanic state. It's a real delicate balance but I have known people who have made it work. If you know you always have problems in the darker months maybe talking to your pdoc about getting a light box for home would be helpful. I certainly hope you are able to get a handle on things before they get worse. I think many of us here know what that's like and I personally wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Hang in there!!!!

I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now. I think a lot of people feel the way you do at this time of year.

Be gentle with your expectations of yourself, and yes, a light box might be just the thing. I've replaced the light bulbs in my house with ones that mimic sunlight and I really like them.

(((((((((((perpetually sad))))))))))))))))
i could be you're noticing the "lessnesses" more because that's how you're feeling. but the winter can be a trigger for depression, and so can the holidays (even if a part of you enjoys them).
be gentle with yourself & try not to stress about it. what will happen will happen, unfortunately we ourselves cannot usually stop a manic or depressive episode. just be kind to yourself while it's here.
i liked your analogy of the circles, it's very visual & descriptive.
& i understand it's pretty common for us to have problems with short-term memory loss & forget days.

Thanks guys (or gals, as the case may be). I hate when I cannot come up with adequate words to describe how I am feeling. But somehow you get me anyway.

I have terrible memory problems. I had an extremely abusive and traumatic childhood & I quite honestly cannot remember more than a handful of things about my life before I turned 18; and it seems most of those memories are only of the traumatic events. Its really sad. I have vague ideas of facts from my life back then, like I know I made good grades, but to say, gosh Mr. So and So teacher was so great, is not possible because I cannot honestly remember single instances of most anything. Truthfully I am really bad about that in my adult life too. If I don't do something daily, I won't remember it. My son is constantly reminding me of things I've said and done and I cannot remember them. For a long time I would get mad at him, like he was just messing with me (he's only 8, so he wasn't messing with me), and then I finally realized I am actually not remembering things. I'm on 33 years old. Ah, another thing to add to the list of freakishness.

My neighbor's kitchen area caught on fire today. I busted my crazy *** in there and got their attention (they were in the back of the house). There is some bad damage in the kitchen and really bad smoke damage throughout. I say this because about 9 years ago my house burned down and smelling that smoke and feeling it on my skin was horrifying. I have been so nervous this afternoon I can hardly sit still. Oh I just am sick. I'm scared my house will burn down now. I'm putting in new smoke detectors tomorrow. They said theirs didn't go off until I was opening the door and screaming for them.
And then I finally finished my online disability application last friday and while the fire is going on, the SS office called my house several times. Of course, I'm out there in the pouring rain freaking out and didn't hear my phone. So when I come back in I call my husband to tell him about the neighbors and he said that the SS lady called him and wanted to know why I wouldn't answer the phone. SO I had to call her back. This is huge for me. I have an absolutely paralyzing phobia of talking on the phone, especially to an "authority" figure. I get up the courage to call her and the phone goes to voice mail! She never even called me back. AND today my pdoc was supposed to call me after being out of town for over a week...no call from him either. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I am having a really bad time right now and I am desperately wishing for attention, but I am not one that can just say "hey, I need your attention right now". My pdoc finally called today and has called in a new med for me; navane 2mg 2xdaily. Anyway, I just don't know. I feel so freaking tortured right now. Maybe I don't need an antipsychotic, maybe I'm not being clear when I try to describe my feelings? But how do you describe this **** in a comprehensible manner? I feel like I need to call him back, but I have only called him 2 times in these past 4 years, so I don't feel comfortable calling. What is wrong with me? Why can I not just feel ok? Why does no one respond to me when I post? And I'm not saying that out of an attempt to get a bunch of people to say sorry...its just part of the overall worthless feeling. Am I just not interesting enough to respond to? Now I am crying and I don't know what to do. I hate this.

Ohhhh, babe! No wonder you're crawling the walls. I would be going nuts! Good thing that you were on top of things when the neighbors kitchen went up! Very good! Well worth missing the SS person, I think, even though calling her was such a battle for nothing. Good thing that you pdoc go you taken care of, and i hope this new stuff works. HHHHUUUUUGGGGS, firefighter!

I am afraid of the phone too. Good job alerting your neighbors on the fire.

You have been through a lot in these few days. I forget if you have a T, but it may be time for a talk to help you get through.

Big hugs for you.

I see my pdoc for therapy. I only get to go once a month. My visit is next Friday the 18th. I am dying to talk to him. Unfortunately, he services a HUGE area, so I really don't have the opportunity for more frequent visits.

The weather DIRECTLY affects my mood. I cannot stress this enough. BP can go hand-in-hand with numerous other disorders, such as SAD (seasonal affective disorder), or anxiety, or OCD, or pretty much anything. If you are deeply depressed this time of year, it is entirely possible that you may have SAD. You are lacking the serotonin and dopamine in your brain because of the lack of daylight/sunshine.

We can't change the weather, but there is a solution for this that may or may not be beneficial for you. My psychiatrist suggested I get a "full spectrum light". These lights mimic natural daylight, tricking your brain into thinking that it's actually a sunny, clear day. These lights should have 10,000 lux or more. I got my lamp from fullspectrumsolutions,com.

These are not cheap, but they DO work. I try to sit under my light at least 30 min a day. It works for me, but it seems to be temporary. I have major depressive disorder as well, so it's pretty tough to get me out of a depression. I suggest if you are very depressed, you should allot at least 3-4 30 minute sessions under the lamp. Of course, results very from person to person. Hope this helps.

I don't know if it's the weather or the holiday time, but I hate this time of year because I feel extra worthless and inadequate.

Good for you for breaking into your neighbor's to let them know about the fire. That was such a brave thing to do!

And if it makes you feel any better, I'm a perpetual threadkiller. Usually, once I post on a thread, no one else posts. I have left several boards because of this, and I'm afraid to post on another board because I'm either ignored or the posts after mine stop. I'm hoping that's not the case on this board.

Awww, Navygrrl, you aren't going to kill this thread. I actually thought I had killed it myself, but when I needed it most, people saw it and started talking to me. I think instead of starting a bunch of threads, I'll just keep updating this one, so you have nothing to fear of killing this one at least.

So, my doc changed my med to Navane...has anyone heard of it. I know its a typical anti-psychotic that's been around since like the 60s or something. But for as long as its been out, I can find hardly anyone's opinion about it. I swear when I talked to my pdoc on the phone he said he was going to call in 2mg for 2 times a day, but the script came back for once a day. I called the secretary at his office and she checked the chart and said that once a day was right...seems weird because it has a short half-life, like 4 hours, I think...anyhow, if you know anything about it, tell me please. I am very unsure about taking it, especially if its the wrong amount. (Can you tell I worry about everything?)

Well, you're not the only one who worries about everything. And I'm right with you about hearing one thing at the pdoc and it turns out I heard it wrong. I haven't heard of that particular drug, though.

Hey! You can't kill this thread! I'm the official thread killer here! Actually, it's a nasty job, but someone has to do it! Huggs.

Haha. It always makes me happy when I see your name as a thread responder lonegael.

I had read somewhere that taking Vitamin D and getting the the sunshine as much as possible helps. There is a disorder that is effected by the change of the seasons and light. The way to handle it is with Vitamin D. I have noticed that I have been having mixed episods, which isn't good for me because I have a small child. I'm taking my meds like I'm supposed to, but I'm still freaking out and stuff. I just have to remember to tell my therapist when I see her. But talk to your doctor about adding Vitamin D to your other meds and see if it helps.

I hope that's not because you like to see threads die a slow and grusome death.
I try to do it quick and clean, but sometimes... Huggs!

Well between the three of us, I think we can keep this thread going.

Now I am compelled to say something, just to keep you from getting credit for killing this.

I am going to talk to my pdoc about the light issues. I am definitely more happy/manicy (nice how that goes together) during the sunny summer months. And I find that my episodes are mostly mixed now, with brief periods of euphoric mania mixed in. But for the most part I am constantly battling serious depression, regardless of how active my mind and body are.

Didn't Oprah talk about her Vitamin D issues? Like she was feeling run down and all? I have vitamin d supplements, but I don't take them. I should probably start taking them, lol.

But, thinking about the weather makes me want to sing that song that goes, "Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful..."

It better not snow. It's already -40 with the wind-chill (I don't even have to convert that to Fahrenheit, because it's the same: way too cold.

So I've started taking the Navane and I am positive the dosage is wrong. I talked to the doc's office though, and they say the chart has me down for just taking it once a day. I can feel myself come off of it. It runs out about lunch time. As far as the regular dosing, I looked it up and its generally prescribed for 3 times a day. How am I supposed to get built up to a continuous level if I only take it in the morning? Maybe he has an idea of easing me on to it that I didn't hear him talk about or something. Otherwise, it seems alright. It doesn't make me tired, even though I read a lot about it making people feel tired. So that's really good. A big problem I have with all of these anti-psychotics is that they make me so dumb and soooooo tired.

And I live in Mississippi, so if it snows it would be a hoot. People freak out when it snows and buy all of the food at the grocery store, like they will never be able to leave their homes again; and you better stay off the road, because they are dangerous!

Okay, let it snow there.