The Never Ending Downward Spiral

Work sucks, wish I were still on med leave, at least then I was happy...
How hard is it to treat someone with the dignity and respect of using their name?
Feel myself backsliding towards the place I was at that put me on med leave...
Don't know how much longer I can take the emotional abuse, yet I can't NOT work because I have meds to pay for...
Maybe it would be better to just give up, give in, and let them win.

Dolfin

I don't have any great advice, but please don't give up.

((((((((((((Dolfin)))))))))))

i'm sorry that you're feeling so down tonight, Dolfin. please don't give in and give up. i value your friendship too much. pat

Hullo Dolfin,
I had to go on a two-month medical disability leave from work last November and December. My AD fizzled overnight. I didn't think much about what things would be like when I went back to work, but your feelings sound a lot like mine at the time. Every day seemed onerous, just too much weight to handle. The whole notion of spending about seven hours each day at a job (in my case, staring at a computer screen) increasingly struck me as absurd. Toward the end of my fifth week back, I was in a severe auto accident that left me wounded physically and psychologically. All I wanted to do was an about-face and head home as soon as I arrived at work every day, but, like you, realized the bloody bills wouldn't pay themselves. Bottom line: Life has slowly -- sometimes painfully slowly -- gotten better for me. I'm gradually finding that life feels less oppressive when I allow myself to just go with the flow at work and when I just forget about work the moment I'm out the office door. You're likely stronger than you give yourself credit for in terms of slogging through this period of readjustment, but for what it's worth, based on my own experience, I agree that returning to the grind after a disability leave can be brutal -- and can leave you feeling worse than you did when you went on the leave in the first place. I've no platitudes to offer -- just the belief that a great many people go through what you and I are going through. The difficult part about all of this, though, is that everyone seems to expect you to be "healed," as if you'd beaten a flu bug or something. My response has been to keep my symptoms and feelings more hidden from co-workers than ever before. It's probably not a healthy one, but after all, my life has been one big improvisation since I was first diagnosed as being bp. Good luck. Cheshire Cat

Dolfin,
Working for a small company where you work on any given day with only a few people can be tough. Like in high school, cliques can be made and where there's cliques, there's people left out of the clique. I've got to admit, in high school i wasn't very popular and actually preferred to be a wallflower, but in the working world, i guess i've build a persona of "i'm here for the check, and not to make friends". Sounds kinda outsiderish, but i've found that if i care less about what people know about me, the better off i am. I have to say, in your shoes, i'd find something else, or even look to move for a new start. Wish i could lend some better advice, but i think life is too short to work at a job that might give me a stomach ache everytime before i walked into the doors.

Klauss

Welcome klauss... yes, what you said about life being too short to work at such a job...

for those who wish to change jobs...remember it's easier to find another job while you're still working...

Dolfin, no one is allowed to submit you to continued verbal abuse... I hope it stops... and I hope that it won't affect you so deeply (if that's possible for any of us) and hope that you will find a way to change things for the better, for you...

Klauss,

I am in the process of finding another job, but the mental abuse these women subject me to is taking its toll. A huge part of me just wants to give in and let them win by me quitting, but the other part of me, the fighter, won't allow me to quit.

So, I just go into work, do what I'm allowed to do, and come home and cry my eyes out for 20 minutes. It's the only way I know to get rid of the hurt. They will NEVER see how their actions are affecting me.

Dolfin

Dolfin,
Have you talked with the people around you at home about what's going on? I still think you need to get outta there, being bi-polar only makes it harder to cope with these problems.I understand you don't want to give these girls the satisfation of quitting, but i'm sure this atmosphere is affecting your social life and relationships. I say Get Outta there. These girls don't care about feelings and management doesn't either. Get Out!

Klauss

Klauss,

I have a very strong support system at home, but just up and quitting isn't an option for me. My Mom has already taken on enough of my financial burden during my 3-month medical leave for my meds alone. My puny little paycheck barely covers my meds, let alone pay back this debt to her.

I've never quit anything in my life, and I can't just up and quit (financially) because "the going gets tough". But, it still leaves its mark. I relate totally to your "I'm just here for the paycheck" attitude. All I can do now is hope for the best that a better opportunity presents itself soon, or go back on medical leave.

Dolfin

Dolfin,

You know that I went through a similar experience with my job and my struggle to either hang in or quit. Well, after much agony or deciding what I should do, I finally quit the job. In my heart and mind I knew that is what I needed to do for me.
You are so strong. Like Cat said, alot more then you give yourself credit for. You walk in there girl with your head held high and dont ever let them make you feel bad about yourself. You have nothing to feel bad about and nothing to be ashamed of. You keep looking for another job while you tough it out here. You will find something else. I know you will. Hang in there. Stay strong. Lean on us in the meantime. Take care.

Dolphin... At the end of the day, you finding another job could be the very thing you need! Keep pursuing that line of thinking and effort.

Don't look at it as 'letting them win'... try to look instead as your moving FORWARD leaving them behind in their own pitiful little lives and they will go back to turning on themselves. No one can change their behaviour, but you can hold your head up with pride!

Don't hurt yourself by quitting before you have something new lined up, becasue then you will end up punishing yourself for being rash/foolish. And even when you do find a new position, you can then opt to decide in advance HOW you will interact with your new peers. And, if you aren't wild about your new position... There's always looking in silence for something better yeah?

In the interim, while they are being abusive to you... Keep that inner smile that your on your own mission, and they are small minded.

Best of wishes, and gentlest of nudges for you to tap that inner strength that has apparently gotten you through much thus far. Lay out a plan of action, break it into steps to take... and persue them one by one!

Hey, Dolfin! I miss ya, girlfriend....and remember this..."No one can make you feel inferior without your permission".....These women are major losers who attempt to make themselves feel more worthwhile by preying on others....Hang In There! (or just quit the crappy job if you prefer)....love grace

Thank you everyone for your support. It has helped a bit, but the pit of depression over all of this seems to be getting deeper and deeper...

I am still job-hunting while I go into my current "job" and grin-and-bear-it. After my last write-up for checking the appointment schedule for a patient, I put on the reprimand sheet in HUGE letters "REFUSE TO SIGN" and even stated "When is this harassment going to end?" Since then, things have calmed down a bit. Don't know why, don't dare ask.

I just feel like I'm never going to get out of there and my depression just gets darker and darker. I have no T or pdoc, just my family doctor, who I see next week. I know my depression has a lot to do with being under-medicated on my Seroquel, but I can't afford to take the full dosage because of lack of funds.

Hopefully, my fam doc will fill out the paperwork with Astra-Zeneca so I can get my meds provided for me, and then I only have to stick it out another 6-8 weeks for the paperwork to be approved.

Again, thank you all for your support; it's much needed right now.

Dolfin

Dolfin,
Don't give up on finding something better, these people are cold for a reason, they're unhappy. You're above that.
Myself, i'm taking another trip to Grand Rapids this weekend and gonna stay there for a few days to check out the job situations there. I know they have more work over there and it'll be nice for a new start and a nice change. Have you thought about relocating and starting fresh?
I don't see moving away as "running away" from problems, but if i'm gonna have problems. i wanna do it somewhere with more work and a fresh start for myself. Maybe discover who i really am. When you go into work Dolfin, think of it like this "this is only temporary" and that these people have NO significance on your life. You owe them nothing and you're not obligated to be friends with them, just to do your job and find something better. Keep the strength Dolfin, once you find something better or have a game plan, it'll be over and only thing you'll want from that job is a recommendation for the next job.

Klauss

Well, I saw my doc this week, and he increased my dosage on my Seroquel. It's been 4 days now, and I can tell the difference. I can see there actually IS a light at the end of the tunnel, and my depression is starting to ease a bit. For the first time in months, I was goofing around with my Mom, just being "ME" and it felt so good to finally be able to do that after almost 5 months of varying degrees of depression.

The job hunt is still on, and I have two very promising prospects on the horizon. My current job is starting to go back to the way things were before my leave, at least with my boss. My other co-worker still has an iceberg up her butt, but I don't care. They are not my friends, merely colleagues, people I have to earn a living with.

I know that no matter what I do, I will never go anywhere with this company, so it is best I cut my losses as soon as the opportunity presents itself. I am a damn good employee, and I would much rather prove that to a company that will appreciate it than waste my efforts where I'm at now, without compromising the level of care my patients receive.

So, I guess you could say, the downward spiral does end, you just never know when.

Dolfin

Whoooo hoooo! I'm so happy to hear things are on the upswing for you. You deserve it. Aren't meds great sometimes?

Yeah, but I know the beast....there will be more lows. I'm just glad the depression is ending!! I should own stock in Kleenex by now! LOL