[Rebound]

I've been diagnosed with BP II.

Normally, I am very depressed for long periods. Improvement, when it comes, is usually signaled by rapid mood swings, then a gradual rise into hypo-mania. It is usually so gradual that I've often only identified that I'm manic after I have been that way for a while. Of course, by then I also see all the damage I've done to my life in the mean time.

I don't think this pattern is unusual. What is new is that I was recently promoted at work and moved into a nice apartment, all the while in the midst of a manic episode and under great pressure. So that sustained the high I had already been experiencing for much longer time than normal. It's like running an engine at full speed until it gives out.

I crashed hard a month ago but now, instead of just symptoms of depression: loss of interest in things I normally enjoy, thinking and saying very negative things about myself, loss of appetite; but I also have symptoms of mania: aggressive, quick to anger, full of energy with no release, racing thoughts, taking on multiple activities at once and a sudden increase in sex drive (blush), all these long posts; and my anxiety level is high. Just before I melted down entirely, I had 2 panic attacks in a fairly short time. All these things are occurring in constantly changing and random ways.

Everything is going haywire in my head. I'm having a lot of bad thoughts I can't describe right now; I feel constantly afraid but I have no idea what I'm afraid of.

If you've experienced something similar, I think sharing your insights would help me get a grip. I would be grateful whether here or in private. Many times I've seen posters calling themselves crazy and replies saying he/she is not crazy.... but right now I really do feel like I am going crazy.

(Wow, I just wrote a whole response, and hit something and it all disappeared! Argh!) But to try again...
I've got BP II as well and the pattern is quite familiar, though the transition to hypomania is not necessarily gradual. The last notable hypomania went on for a month and a half(!) and then, you guessed it, the crash came and I was scrambling to keep afloat. Usually, I'm fairly aware of the hypomanias (especially since being diagnosed, more aware, whereas before being clueless what was going on). Currently on meds that are making a huge difference -- it's almost surreal to be so even... not that I don't lose it from time to time, but nothing like what it was. Even so, I've been wondering lately if I might be hypomanic w/o realizing it, as I'm on the verge of doing the "craziest" thing I've ever done. My p-doc was concerned for my actions, but didn't know either, and I've not "felt" hypomanic, so I guess we'll all find out soon enough...

As far as the mixed... familiar too. I can be definitely in a depressed mode and yet if someone nearly runs me over -- frequent pedestrian here-- I can still be inclined to run after them, fist a'shaking, yelling profanities... If I don't care, WTH??? (Not as much as when unmedicated, but still...)Have definitely been in a mode where I'd think they were doing me a favor, so what gives?? It's very confusing.

No worries on wordiness, I'm prone to it too.

Random fear is a drag. The last time I was having frequent panic attacks (2006), they seemed to come out of nowhere. Going to sleep? What's to panic about? Eventually figured out what was likely causing them, though it still seemed to bear no relation to when they would strike.

When things are all incongruent/inexplicable they sure can feel like "going crazy", but I've started to really wonder what that really means anyway... There are times when I realize (intellectually anyway) that I'm not in a healthy space... bad thoughts and stuff (no need to elaborate, but I've been there within the last few months before the meds helped), but I've not *felt* "crazy" at those times. Problem is, that intellectually I know "it's the disease talking", but damn if it wasn't really convincing...

Are you on meds? Seeing a P-doc and/or T-doc? Stay safe. While I'm currently like a poster child (or poster middle-ager, lol) for effective meds, I've sooooo been there, and it really is best to seek these things out to help the situation. (Seriously... I've gone from you-know-where- to being on the verge of the most exciting change of my life. I would not have thought this even remotely possible a mere few months ago...) Keep us posted, ok? Mixed? Yeah, sounds like it might be. Not diagnosing, mind you, but the point is that, though it might not necessarily be "crazy", it sucks to feel that way and it *can* be helped. At the very least, try, because it can be so much better...

Sending lots of and good thoughts your way in the meanwhile...

[NuckingFutz]

Trying to figure out your bipola patterns is like trying to nail down jello...as soon as you think you have it down, things change. Sometimes I use to think things changed just because I thought I had it figured out. The only way to deal sometimes is to drop the hammer and talk to someone in your support network...so you are doing good. Hope this helps.

[Rebound]

As soon as I realized I was having a serious episode of hypomania, I started trying to arrange to see someone, but at the time I couldn't (seriously, absolutely couldn't) miss time from work so it was basically impossible to get an appointment. However, when the panic attacks hit I, began to book off in spite of the great danger to my job security and was fortunate to see a psychiatrist soon after.

That was about a month ago. The first time I saw him, he was very confident in stating that I have ADHD and prescribed Dexedrine. I don't think it explains my hypomanic behavior and my pdoc may still think my previous diagnosis of BP II is correct since he said to continue taking Lamictal. After that, I was still having a lot of anxiety and mania symptoms; I was lucky to get an emergency appointment with him and he piled 2 on more meds.

So, right now, I'm on Lamictal (Lamotrigine), Dexedrine (Dextroamphetamine), Klonopin (Clonazepam), Zyprexa (Olanzapine.)

By the way, I feel the need to specify that I don't believe I am self-diagnosing, although I can see how one could make that assumption from the content of my posts. Only once I describe my symptoms to the doctor, and he makes a diagnosis, do I then turn to the internet to educate myself as much as possible about it. It helps me understand my behavior and search for self-help information. I think it's a lot like getting a second opinion.

I agree with the nail into jello analogy. I have admitted to my boss that when I become manic, at times, I'm unaware of my unusual behavior, that I become critical, sarcastic, and short tempered and can have a tendency to look down upon those I feel aren't very smart. This is something awful that I am ashamed to admit. I know that I have no right to make this judgment and even if so it is the height of pretentiousness and conceit. Admitting all that to my boss is telling in and of itself.

I can instead be super optimistic and positive about everything to a degree I feel is annoying to many people but, for example, helped me to get my job.

Drop the hammer: to continue the analogy, what happens if you drop a hammer on jello? That's really about how I feel right now. Scattered into a million little blobs of thought and emotion.

Oh hey, I just had a brain wave. May I copy your sentence and add the above paragraph (maybe with revision) and post it in the creative corner?

And yet another: do you think there's any way that if I wrote out the worst case scenario, i.e. if I went completely off my rocker and described all the horrible things I think about as if I were doing them, if it would help me to reaffirm to myself that I would never do such things?

Or, is the idea itself a sign that my barriers to considering any of it seriously are coming down and I should maybe consider going to a hospital? Could it be the cause of my constant fear?

[adventureseeker]

It sucks that you feel this way, feeling crazy is the worst feeling in the world and I experienced it a few months ago after I crashed from a long hypomanic episode. I was having panic attacks, couldn't sleep, was paranoid, depressed, crying all of the time and basically felt nuts. I couldn't watch TV or listen to music because it was just too much stimulation. The only thing that helped me was taking Ativan and talking to a therapist. This was the first time I ever experienced this and was diagnosed w BPII at that time. You're not alone and you're not crazy...I wish I could say more to help.

[NuckingFutz]

Futz hands Rebound the jello and the hammer...go for it, make it creative! I think we are both manic right now Rebound.