stigma

Hello everyone,

I am sure that most people have an understanding of what stigma is, but is
quite a difference when it happens to yourself.

Family members, and friends do not trust me and are waiting "for the shoe to drop", another episode of mania or depression. They look to each other when they think I am not looking , and make like she´s a fruitcake and can´t believe what I am saying.

My sons are now 10yr old now, but half of their life I have been in and out of hospitals. This has really been difficult for them and myself. I have had to re-build our relationship, and it hasn´t been easy. They wonder if Mama have to go back to the hospital? and so on.

I verbally attacted my parents and sister feeling rage and even hatred that I have destroyed my relationship with them. My sister doesn´t think that bipolar people go into rage, but just that I am mean, etc. She thinks bipolar is an excuse not the Reason for my behavor.


Anyhow, I sure could like to know if anybody else deals with this, and also
who else tends to become aggresive and including rage.

Thanks,
nirmal

I get aggressive but it's not toward other people. I have a very short temper and will punch walls and throw things but it's never directed at other people.

As far as your family understanding your illness, it's hard for them to "get it" if they've never gone through it. I clearly don't know your situation but maybe you're reading into the looks they exchange. Maybe your brain is telling you they're talking about you but they really arent (I always think that myself and it's usually not true). Just a thought, again I don't know your exact situation. I have a situation where I don't tell my family everything that's going on because they can't be supportive because they truly don't understand what I'm talking about. If you haven't lived a bipolar life, you can't truly understand what the bipolar person is going through. As far as rebuilding things with your sons, you just need to be realistic with them. If you work with a therapist maybe they can go to a family session with you and your T can help you explain why mommy needs to go to the hospital sometimes. Assure them that when you have to go away for a while it's not because you don't love them but because you're sick. It's hard though. I don' thave kids myself but in my line of work I see illnesses pull apart families all the time but it seems to happen most with people who don't tell their kids the truth.

I wish you luck with your situation... it's so hard, but hjust take it one step at a time. Take good care!!!

Hi, Nirmal. I understand where your coming from. I'm bp and yes I get aggresive and angry, I also throw things when I'm in a rage - but all of this is very rare for me. It's when I have manic mania that all this happens. 99% of the time I'm just meek and let who ever want's to walk all over me. I just don't care. I live most of my life in a very deep depressed state. I think your "sister" needs to go to counseling with you and let her ask the therapist or psych doc questions - in fact if would be a good idea to have your parents there as well as this does effect the entire family, not just you. They need to know how to help you and not be judging you! But these are thoughts on your situation.

Most of the time, there are few things that trigger my aggressive streak, but when they do, I can be quite bad, medications or not. I'm sure my illness does not help how I handle adrenelin´and stress. Other than that, blame it on the mania. Huggs

Hi nirmal, I get the rage thing too. Not a ton, but when it hits, it's pretty bad. Mostly throwing things (including myself...into walls), ie. object and self-directed. It seems to hit with a flashpoint of total overload.... think it's more hypomania related. Something to do with everything being amplified and intensified, you know? Like being faster and everyone seems so unbelievably slow, tiny little sounds annoy me, just *everything*. Sometimes I recognize being like this and will try, when practical, to self-quarantine and stay to myself for everyone's sake. Sometimes I don't realize, or try to stubbornly push through and that's when the least little thing can send me. I was horrified by this for years and had absolutely no idea what my problem was. Agitation, irritability and low impulse control seems to be the elements that combine for trouble. Finally on meds that are working, and it seems to be helping with that a lot too.... more in the "normal" range.
I hope that things do get better for you. It is hard with kids. I have one (older teen now) and was most mortified for him to witness a "mom flip out". Glad to have finally learned what was going on, for a better shot at catching the signals before they get out of control.
to you. Keep us posted, ok?

edited to add... yeah, mellow and quiet most of the time. One extreme to the other. Ugh.

Hi there! I have bipolar also and the rage is so bloody hard to control. It is unprovoked and irrational. Only those close to me have occasionally encountered it but quite often at work or out in public I might feel like screaming at someone and yet I smile sweetly and pretend everything is fine, which actually it is. It is the bipolar a living nightmare really, my life long secret that has only recently been discovered thanks to my psychiatrist

Thanks for all your replyes It´s nice to know others feel the same as I do.

I welcome any further reply too.

thanks,
nirmal

Hi,
Unfortunately, I live in Germany and my family is in the States. You´re right; they do not understand, I wonder if they even bothered to look it up on the net.

I think it is that I have been hurt so many times from my "sister" and my father. And this all started 30yrs.(!!!) ago, because I was unhappy with my relationships. I have tried to make things better, and the more I pushed, the further away they got. As you said, and I remember saying "You just don´t get it" many times and they never will. Anyhow, add bipolar to the situation, and look Out!!!

I am ok now with my farther, but I can tell he feels hurt too. I now have no rel. with my "sister" because she is unwilling to work things out. She doesn´t forgive me for my actions in the past.

Now, my husband and 10 year old twin boys seem to understand my illness. They all came to visit with me during my hospilalizations, and my husband brought them to see me while I was in a coma from an OD that came very near to killing me. I was on ventilator then, too. I had a lot of complications, and i was in the hospital for 2mo. You can imagine how this must affected my boys, and the reason my husband brought them to see me in a coma, because they didn´t know If I was going to make it or not.
Can you believe, that my "sister" did not send a card or letter, not even an e-mail? Maybe now you have a better understanding of my situation.

I clearly identify with what you kind people said.

Love,
nirmal

Hi nirmal,

I have similar relationship with my relatives as they cannot decide for themselves if that is illness or my personality although I display similar patterns of behavior during all my life-being quiet and withdrawn during depressions apologizing for my previous aggressive behavior and then goindg back to manias where I cannot control irrational anger and even rage screaming everywhere and ruining relationship including at work. My relatives like to communicate with me while I'm in depressions, but prefer to stay away from me when I'm in mania and then I'm on my own with no any outside control. I destroyed my marriage because of that and also many valuable things in life.
I try not to be upset with my relatives as they really "do not get it" but it's not easy. Now I'm trying to change that vicious circle with proper treatment and hope things would change
I emphasize with you very much and wish you the best