Bipolar g/f wants 'space'. How to handle?

Hi everyone

I'm new here so hope you can offer me some of your insight.

I've been going out with a bipolar girl with schizoaffective disorder for two years. At the start of our relationship she called it off because she thought it was too much 'pressure'.

I realised she didn't have her bipolar under control and after she agreed to see a new doctor and subsequently a new psychiatrist - she became much better - all with good results. And we fell back into a great and loving relationship.

As I'm sure you know too well - there was still some rapid-cycling times when she was not 'right' as such and sometimes - as she put it - her brain 'wasn't right'. During this period she would start to question many things in her life - sometimes including me - however I always offered her reassurance and continued to care and love her.

Over the past couple of weeks things have spiralled down slightly. She suddenly wanted some reassurances from me regarding what we want for the future - inparticular moving in together, getting married and having kids. I told her that 'yes' - these are still all on the cards (a lot of these emotions were triggered by her going to a girlfriend's wedding, having her 38th birthday and her grandmother becoming ill - all quite understandable).

When talking to her about all of these though - I could see she was having trouble processing it all. She kept shaking her head, telling me she wished her 'head would stop', that she 'hates this feeling' and then sleeping excessively afterwards. Her home was also a complete mess which I know by now - is not a good sign...

Two days later - more questions regarding the above - again I reassured her where we both stood. And at work the next day she told me she wasn't good again - I asked if she had any doubts about us and she said 'no, - why - should I? That will make me think about that now'.

That night she didn't want me to come over and when she got home from work she just slept right through to the next day.

The next night I went and saw her and again - she was excessively tired and not good at all. She was glassy eyed, dissociating and she was even showing me the scars on her although she told me she'd never do that again.

Again - she was banging her head - and shaking it - saying she 'had all these thoughts trying to get to the front'.

She went to bed and I had no contact with her until she texted me saying she didn't want to see me that morning - but wanted to talk later in the day. She said she hadn't been to sleep - went for a walk around 2am and then drove a considerable distance because she 'needed to think'.

When I met her later she told me she thought we needed a break - and that she 'needed space'. She also said she loved me but wasn't 'in love' with me anymore.

We discussed all this calmly but she said she 'wished her head would stop'.

I have given her the space she asked for and haven't contacted her for three days.

This was a girl who I saw and spoke to every day - and now - nothing.

Any thoughts on what is going on? Am I handling this the right way?

Thanks for any kind help - I 'd really appreciate it.

Regards Scott Patterson

First of all, kudos to you for understanding Bipolar Disorder. Many people don't understand what Bipolar people go through. The constant second guessing, beliving that you aren't good enough for the world, etc.

Secondly, has your gf seen her psych or therapist in a while? To me, it sounds like she might need her meds adjusted/changed or she might need to spend some time with her therapist working on proper coping skills. There have been many times, for me personally, when everything just gets waaaaaaaay too overwhelming and I just can't handle, well, anything. Since I have learned the proper coping techniques and my medication is currently working, I've been doing pretty good.

Why don't you try to contact her and tell her that you truly do love her and that the two of you will work on this together. Many Bipolar people in crisis feel that there is nobody in the world that actually understands what is going on in their brains. They don't reach out for help because they feel that they don't deserve help. I always thought I could do it alone, but I'm finding out that you need to have a vast network of support, good positive support.

You're right - I don't think she's seen her psychiatrist in over six months.

The trouble is when she was discussing her issues with me - I acknowledged I hadn't been spending enough time with her as I've been quite busy at work. She said she found this very hurtful but then she also mentioned she didn't think I had been staying over at her place enough as well. Again -I told her I understood and I'd rectify the situation. But then she took it still further and asked for her 'space'.

It was like it was just escalating more and more with her piling more and more of my 'perceived' faults on top of it all.

Does she end up remembering any of this afterwards when she has 'levelled out' slightly? And dose she turn around and think 'geez - where's my boyfriend?'

Hi Scott, You seem educated and open to bp and thats great. I hate that your going through this in your relationship. Maybe I can give you some insight from the other side. I to am bp and my ex is in your shoes so to speak. He is also very open and understanding to my issues and willing to work with me and do whatever he can for me and to reassure me all will be good in our relationship. However, being that I am unmedicated and a lil messed up right now I choose to not be in the relationship. For me when it all gets messed up I pull back and shut people out of my life in hopes of simplifying it. If thats makes any sense. He is in my life as a friend for the moment till I can cope or work out in my head how to be back in a relationship. I just started back on meds and therapy so I hope this will work itself out at some point. Having my ex in my life and having his support is such a great comfort to me. Definately incourage your gf to get meds adjusted if needed and get into therapy and try to be supportive for her in whatever aspect you can and maybe yall can work through this. Good luck to you.

Thanks daisychic

I am willing and able (although slightly bruised) to standby my girlfriend. However how do I give her space AND care for her but NOT come across as a clingy boyfriend putting pressure on her?

I can only speak from my experiences....When I feel pressure I completely close off and run away push away however you wanna say it. If you can, find some way to be supportive and let her know youre there for her but also give some space at the same time. Maybe just ask her exactly what she would like at the moment and try to do that and just keep checkin in with her seeing what she may need at the moment. I know it sounds like a lot but if you love her hang in there. I am currently working on getting my meds right and doin therapy so I can let my partner back into my life completely.

Wow, I just read your post and it makes me very very happy. I may only be 21 but I believe in Love more than anything. My bipolar has ended 2 two year long relationships for me. For the longest time I felt, admit-tingly still do, that my bipolar makes me unloveable although I have great, true love to offer. Gives me hope that the right person will love me despite my issues and be mature enough to handle them.

My Advice:
Make sure to tell her you love her every day if nothing else. Maybe even surprise her with flowers. Tell her you will stand by her through thick and thin and support her and that her bipolar is not burden on you (if you feel that way of course) because I know that from now I'm going to be so afraid of someone getting sick of a "dealing" with me. I feel guilty that someone else has to deal with MY mood swings. I see myself as a burden at times. Maybe she thinks you deserve better. And if you have told her all of this say it again until she believes you.
You need to find out if its the bipolar talking or if she honestly doesn't see the relationship going further. Be accepting of either. Thank you for taking the time to read up on bipolar. You seem to be the kind of person someone experiencing bipolar needs in their life...Understanding. I hope it works out.

I wouldn't call everyday as it would definitely impinge on her "space" and may make her feel hounded. I would send cards with upbeat notes about what you are doing and how you feel about her. You could call her off and on.