[takingthison]

I started dating my girlfriend two years ago. She told me from the start she was bipolar / with some schizoaffective tendencies.

After 5 months she suddenly split up with me saying I was too much pressure. We spent a month apart but maintained some contact - I realised she didn’t have her bipolar under control and after she agreed to see a new doctor and subsequently a new psychiatrist – she became much better – all with good results and on new meds (lithium and another one – sorry – cant remember). Subsequently we fell back into a great and loving relationship.

Over the past couple of weeks things have spiralled down slightly. She had a lot of triggers suddenly kicking in (grandma sick / friend’s wedding coming up/biological clock ticking VERY LOUD) and she kept shaking her head, telling me she wished her ‘head would stop’, that she ‘hates this feeling’ and then sleeping excessively afterwards. Her home was also a complete mess which I know by now – is not a good sign…

Two days later – more questions regarding our relationship. And at work the next day she told me she wasn’t good again – I asked if she had seen her psychiatrist lately – and she said ‘no – it’s been about six months!!’ I asked her to book in – which she later told me she didn’t…

That night she didn’t want me to come over and when she got home from work she just slept right through to the next day.

The next night I went and saw her and again – she was excessively tired and not good at all. She was glassy eyed, dissociating and she was even showing me the scars on her wrist where she had once tried to commit suicide 10 years ago – although she told me she’d never do that again.
Again she ‘had all these thoughts trying to get to the front’.

She went to bed and I had no contact with her until she texted me saying she didn’t want to see me that morning – but wanted to talk later in the day. She said she hadn’t been to sleep – went for a walk around 2am and then drove a considerable distance because she ‘needed to think’. She was clearly in some kind of ‘episode' but refused to go to hospital or see anyone.

When I met her later she told me she thought we needed a break – and that she ‘needed space’. She also said she loved me but wasn’t ‘in love’ / no passion etc with me anymore even though we were discussing marriage/moving in together/ kids two days before!

We had no contact for a week and a half (I knew she was going to work during this time – but then she puts on a convincing ‘mask’). Out of the blue she rang me to see if I was ‘OK’. She said she still hasn’t seen her psych but said she knows she has to, to get her meds changed etc.

I was away for work for a week and I rang her to see how she was – as she was asking me too. Talk got around to her bipolar and her psych which she still hadn’t seen although she said she was planning to. She said she didn’t think her ‘episode’ was serious (I wanted to tell her otherwise – eg we’ve split up / you were fantasising about suicide and told me at the time you didn’t care if your cat lives or dies).

She then sent me an email accusing me of making this 'all about her bipolar.'

This is so difficult because I am the only one who knows about her bipolar – work colleagues don’t know / family are kept in the dark / friends think it’s just gone!

Should I try and maintain contact or give her the space to 'go away and figure things out.’?

Was this an 'episode' or 'mania'? I love this girl and as much as I am suffering – I know she is suffering more.

Any advice much appreciated.
Regards Don

[Ascension]

Loving me, being a person with bipolar disorder is complicated and that is the case for most of us. We feel like we are dangerous to other people emotionally, we hate ourselves and feel insecure at times, are afraid to get close because we are afraid everything will fall apart and we will lose those close to us and everything in the process. Most of us want to be normal like everyone else but hell Normal is so freaking alien a concept to us and bipolar such an alien concept to those who aren't bridging the gap is hard. I am saddened that she isn't being active and consistent with treatment. Untreated bipolar disorder is chaos at best when someone is in an episode. Getting someone we love to treat Bipolar Disorder is a tricky thing. It is not unusual for someone with BP to refuse medicine and get help because many times we are addicted to the emotional ebb and flow and that feels normal to us. So think of being involved with someone with Bipolar Disorder an addict, but instead of to drugs and alcohol, their emotions(that is not to say that we don;t use drugs and alcohol to further invoke emotional feelings). Their is a high probability for relapse in all addicts and we can making us get help when we aren't really wanting it is hard. I wish I had more to offer then just a little insight into the creature of Bipolar Disorder.

[FeelingHopeful]

Ascension, thank you for that assement of what its like to struggle with Bp, Im trying to learn about this for a friend and your post is so helpful. Your comment about not wanting to get close so as your afraid of it falling apart and losing us struck a big chord. Is there anything the loved one of someone who may be struggling with this can do to show the person there not dangerous to us, that we will support them?? That they wont lose us?

[grizmom]

I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you!! The thing is, you aren't responsible for how she chooses to treat (or not treat) her bipolar. If she refuses treatment that is her right. However, if she says that she is thinking of suicide, please notify the authorities and let them handle it. I had to do that with someone I loved very much and unfortunately he hated me for it, but in the end I would rather know that he was alive and hated me than have him die by suicide and feel guilty for not taking action.

On the other side, it is your right to tell her that if she does not do her best to maintain her mental health, you will not be able to be with her. I had another friend who was anorexic and refusing treatment and I did have to tell her that I could not be friends with her and watch her die. I told her that as soon as she was willing to work at getting well, I would be right at her side to help however possible. A week later she checked herself into a hospital, and she was still angry with me for several months, but in the end she did call me and thanked me for my "tough love".

So I guess in my opinion, it might be best to let her know that you care about her and want to help her if she is willing to help herself, and tell her to call you when she is ready to try and get well. Because as long as she refuses treatment, things most likely will not be happy in your relationship. That's just my 2 cents of course, and whatever you decide I wish you the best!!

[grizmom]

I thought this might also be helpful, I don't know the original source, it was posted in another group I was in, but I *think* it might be from something Julie Fast wrote...

Ten things friends and family members NEED to know about those of us with bipolar disorder.

10. If you blame us or put us down or get impatient or angry with us for bipolar disorder behavior it simply makes us sicker! Impatience never got us out of bed or made us less depressed. Anger never made us stop spending when we are manic. Kind and realistic rules and limits do help. Telling us that you will not and cannot live with us if we don't treat bipolar disorder first does help. But helping us help ourselves is the best gift you can give us. The Health Cards can help you figure out what part of our behavior is bipolar disorder and what part is just us. If you know what behavior is a symptom of the illness, you can then treat the illness to help the behavior instead of getting so upset with us all of the time.
(We are upset enough with ourselves, believe me!)

9. Understand that we cannot always help you do things when we are sick. You may need help around the house, with the kids, the bills, the laundry, etc. Deep down we know that, but sometimes we are just too sick to do anything. Help us get well and then we can help you around the house more. Help us get well and we will be a good friend, partner, daughter, son, grandson, granddaughter and parent. If you
expect us to be able to do normal things when we are sick, then you will only get more upset with us. If you expect us to treat bipolar disorder first- that is reasonable and something we can work on together! Then we can do the laundry and the dishes with pleasure. We can have fun in life.

8. Depression is very motivated. I don't know if there is a more successful illness in the world. It is a champ, a winner! It sets goals and follows through with its goals. "I want Julie to be really sick and down on herself today. I want her to stay in bed, eat junk and cry buckets of tears." And it sure does do a good job! Depression is serious and motivated and strong. Without the right tools it is impossible for us to fight it. WE ARE NOT LAZY! WE ARE NOT SLACKERS! WE ARE NOT DUMB, WEAK OR FAILURES! We are sick. Learn our individual signs of depression
by using the Health Cards and help us fight it. If depression is motivated and successful, then we all have to get motivated and successful. If you see us sitting on the couch doing nothing day after day- don't get on our case for being on the couch. Get some tools to help us get off the darn couch! Get motivated, serious and strong, just like depression. Then teach us how to do this. Help us find the right mix of medications, alternative treatments and lifestyle changes that make depression the failure instead of making us look like failures. We need your help to fight this illness. We need your love to beat depression.

7. What you do in YOUR life makes a huge difference in how we experience our bipolar disorder symptoms in OUR lives.
This is not fair on you, but it is a reality. It should be that you can do what you want and we can lead our own lives and let you be you - but people with bipolar disorder cannot simply separate themselves from the things you do. If you are stressed and unhappy and unhealthy, you have to know that it affects us greatly.

6. Bipolar disorder is a disability. It is not really recognized in that way right now, but it will be more so in the future- many of us are dis-abled from leading the life we want and you want us to lead. We simply can't function like other people can function. We can't snap out of it, therapy our way out of it or just get on with it- whatever the "it" is you want us to do. WE HAVE TO LEARN WHAT WE CAN DO AND WE NEED YOUR HELP! Please know that stress makes us sick- good stress, bad stress, stress that is none of our business- all stress makes us sick. Can you look at us differently?
Can you see us as people who have an illness that often makes us unable to be "normal"? Can you hug us, love us and
help us even when we make you scared, angry and embarrassed? Please help us turn a disability into an opportunity.

5. This illness is not about you. We are not trying to punish you or ruin your life. We do not want to treat you badly. It is a side effect of bipolar disorder when we change our moods. This does not make it ok- and it does not mean that it will not cause huge problems for you, but it is not about YOU at all.

4. If we are manic, spending money seems like a good idea. It is part of the illness. It is a proven symptom of mania. We need your help in creating checks and balances so that we can prevent manic spending sprees. If you are blind to what we are spending when we are well and then suddenly notice the $5000 we spend during a manic episode
and then get angry, it is not fair. Please be consistent and help us monitor our money at all times so no one is caught unaware again. You can use the Health Cards to help us prevent manic spending sprees. We can't do it alone.

3. Medication side effects really, really suck. They often make us fat, tired, sick, scared, suicidal, seemingly stupid and angry. We need help in adjusting our meds and telling the doctors what we need. It is not ok to have these side effects and when we are in the middle of them and a doctor is telling us just to "wait and see how things go," we feel helpless and want to give up. Help us find different medications and comprehensive treatments that do not have so many side effects. Advocate for us if we are intimidated by our doctors.

2. Some of us with bipolar disorder cannot work like "normal" people. We cannot go to the office or keep a 9-5 job.
It simply makes us too sick to function. Many of us have had a different job every year because we want so badly to fit in and be like everyone else. The reality is that we may need to find alternative ways to support ourselves and we truly need your help. Please understand that we WANT to be productive- we just have to find a different way of being productive. Going to an office really is not everything. If we need disability, help us get disability and understand that it is so very humiliating for intelligent people like us to have to get help from the government because we can't work. Never, ever make us feel guilty because we can't work! Help us find work that is non stressful, fun and helps us be independent. And if you are supporting us because we can't work- thank you so very, very much.

1. People with bipolar disorder are intelligent, funny, creative, free thinkers, different, loving and kind - WHEN THEY ARE WELL.
People with bipolar disorder are demanding, sad, annoying, scary, self centered, all over the place, uncaring, dangerous, and crazy -
WHEN THEY ARE SICK. In order to help us be all of the good things, bipolar disorder must be treated first. Use the Health Cards and any other books you may have to help us treat the illness first - for the rest of our lives. This is the ONLY way for us to have a good relationship.
Because bipolar disorder does not want any of us to be happy. Friends and family are so important in the lives of people with bipolar disorder. We do not need you to take care of u s- not at all- we need you to help us take care of ourselves: Take care of yourself first, get the right tools and then show us that you are willing to join us in our goal for a stable life. Always take care of yourself, but NEVER GIVE UP ON US!

[FeelingHopeful]

GRIZMOM THANK YOU!!! sO VERY HELPFUL! i HAVE SOMEONE I LOVE VERY MUCH WHO i THINK MAY BE GOING THROUGH THIS AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE ALL YOUR HELP AND EVERYONE ON HERES HELP. bIG HUGS!!!

[RRU96]

Having Bipolar myself, I can understand your frustration that you are going through. I think what everyone said was great, I really liked the 10 things to know (thinks about my 20+ jobs I have had in my 31 years on this planet). Having someone who I know is there for me 24/7/365 is the most important thing. My wife is an extremely strong woman. She deals with her own medical issues, Multiple Sclerosis, and on top of that deals with me and my specific needs. She may not fully understand Bipolar, but she knows when it hits, what to say, and how to help me through it. She knows that just like an Alcoholic is to sobriety, she cannot get me to do what I need to do until I am ready to take it on on my own.

Having a strong support system is very good, and that seems to be something you already know. She needs to take control of her issues and get the help she knows she needs. You on the other, are doing what you need to do. You love her, she said she loves you.... if that truly is the case, then the road may be bumpy. But until she realizes how much it is affecting you, you just have to keep on strong as you are doing. If you push her for treatment, it will only do more harm. Stay supportive, and stay focused. I went through a period of cutting, and my wife stepped in realizing it could get worse. It took many long talks with my wife, but we finally agreed that I simply could not control my symptoms any longer on my own.

Stay Strong! Hard words to deal with, yes.... but with the proper help, your girlfriend may have been put in your life to become your wife. Things have a reason, maybe you just dont know it yet

[takingthison]

Thanks so much Grizmom, Ascension, Feelingsad and RRU96,

I am indeed trying to stay strong although it IS definitely TOUGH!!

I've decided I'm going to send my g/friend an email response in a reply to her email last week and just let her know I'm here if she wants support / to talk etc.

Hoping she doesn't see this as 'pressure'???

It's always enlightening to hear from someone with BP. Tell me, if you 'break up' or decide you 'want a break' with your partner whilst going through an 'episode'. What happens when you come out of this episode? Do you understand why you then made this decision and wonder what happened to your relationship?

And how long can these 'episodes' last - do they depend on treatment?

thanks so much, this all helps, Don.

[mamaJenof5]

Having Had Bipolar for my whole life, symtoms going back to early childhood, I understand what your gf is going through. Bipolar disorder rules you. I have been married three times and I have 4 children. My first husband was one of my best friends in high school and I got pregnant with my oldest in 11th grade so I moved in with him. At first I could blame my mood on the pregnancy then he thought I had postpardem depresion. But over the next five years one another baby later, I made his life hell. ofcourse to everyone else I made everything his fault. I was still denying the disorder. after we split I went wild..I almost lost my kids b/c I started drinking to deal with everything...over the next five years another husband and child later..I decided it was time to do something about the BD. Then I found my current husband and I have been open with him about 90% of everything going on in my head. He is great to me, dealing with the episodes and beleive me I put him through alot. I try to leave him during these times but he wont let me and hes always right there helping me get help. just be there for your gf thats what she needs. just help her help herself.

[grizmom]

I think the email response sounds fine...I would only add that you start with saying that you understand that she said she wanted some time apart...hopefully this will help to validate what she states as her needs at this time.

I've made impulsive decisions regarding relationships when hypomanic or depressed; in most cases I did regret it later but very few people gave me a second chance (although most of that was before I was diagnosed, so I couldn't explain why I had been so...uh..."odd").

As far as how long a mood swing can last...some people cycle more rapidly than others. I've had cycles that lasted several months before I was on the right combo of meds, and I've had times where I cycled between hypomania and depression in the same day. I do know that now that I am on a good combo of meds, my cycles happen less frequently, aren't usually as severe, and don't last as long.

I do hope she decides to get the help she needs, but you should know that even once someone does start treatment, it can take awhile to find the right combination of meds. And sometimes the meds will work for awhile and then stop working and we have to find a new combination. It can still be hard to be with someone with bipolar even when they are seeking treatment, but if they are truly commited to "recovery" (I put that in quotes because there is no cure, but it is possible to get to a point where the mood swings are less severe and less often), it makes it easier to help them.

Again, I wish you and your g/f the best!

I am pretty sure the 10 things people need to know that I posted is from Julie Fast, she has a great website here: http://www.bipolarhappens.com/ She has books available for people who have loved ones with bipolar.

[RRU96]

There is no doubt that you love your girlfriend. And I think grizmom gave you some good ideas. Always remember that she is not going to get treatment unless she wants it. Sometimes the tough love approach like grizmom said, is the best thing for that individual. It doesnt mean it is easy for you.... but living with bipolar isnt easy for her.

If you do opt for the tough love, please make sure that you at least keep an eye on her. That approach may cause a downward spiral. If you and her have mutual friends... who know about her bipolar, you may also give them a heads up before a tough love session, so that they can help keep an eye on her while you take care of yourself.

Good Luck in whatever your decision is and come back when you can