[phlashback]

So the last couple of weeks have seen the highs of optimism, and the lows of defeat. It seems that with the exception of reconnecting with my sister, nothing I touch seems to work out. I try dating again, and end up bieng stood up... twice by two different women in one week. The first woman I ran into at a sporting event after bieng stood up...where she introduces me to her boyfriend. This is after we had been out, and she had gotten physical once.

I give up an activity I enjoy to spend time with someone, but then I get squashed. I know that life is not fair.... but come on, I try to make an oppportunity and boom.

Then I get a demotion in title, because my company merged with another organization. So my pay stays the same... for now, but I am already underpaid and under appreciated.

They recognize I am under stress, and want me to "get help", but what help am I supposed to get. My coworkers are worried, and my family is now worried, so they take my things away because I *might* hurt myself. I know that they care, but needing someone to cut my steak for me is degrading, and makes me want to be done with it.

I feeling like running away and never looking back. I am told that I am wanted and loved... but it sure feels like I am more of a burden than anything else. No one wants to talk, they just tell me that things arn't so bad. Well easy for them to say, they are not the ones who are lonely most of the time and they each have something and someone to live for.

It really seems that I am needed and wanted when something is not working... Why because I can fix it for you... no compensation for my time, and not even a thank you most of the time... yet somehow I am supposed to be gratefull for what I have.

I just wish I could screem at the top of my lungs. Everyone thinks that they know what I need... but the truth is they don't even spend the time to listen to what I have to say.

When I was twenty I thought I'd be dead by thirty... well I'm ready

[Anneinside]

Since you say you want to know what help you can get, I would suggest seeing a psychologist and perhaps a psychiatrist for medication if you are not already doing so. Another thing that is helpful is a support group. It is good to get together with people who understand what you are going through.

[grizmom]

I'm not surprised you are stressed! Sounds like way too much has happened lately, I'm sorry to hear that. I have times like that too...where all the rotten things happen one after another. UGH!

Now, not letting you cut your own steak is ridiculous. I don't get angry easily, but if people were trying to pull something like that with me I'd be pitching a fit!

I do hope you will see a doctor, if you can't get in with a psychiatrist, at least try to get in with a regular doctor to start with. He/she might be able to at least get you started on some type of medicine, even if it's just an anti-anxiety or something it might at least help take the edge off while you wait to get in with a psychiatrist.

Take care of yourself!

[phlashback]

I have an apt for the 5th of next month for a med adjustment.

My psychologist left the organization I work for, and have not been able to get in with anyone else... that I can talk to that is. My insurance is good... if I stay in the system, but the second I step out I make to much for assistance and not enough to pay out of pocket.

My choices in the organization are limited to people that I have know personally on some level since childhood, or are friends of my family. I trust that they are ethical people, but I could not open up with them as there is too much history.

Heck it took over a year to open up to my last psychologist.

Thanks for taking the time to read and post

[phlashback]

Well, with the urging of family and a change in my insurance it looks like I can see my old psychologist. I have called his office, and am waiting to have return call.

As for the extent of the worry that my family was under. I had inadvertantly printed a journal entry, that had alot of suicidal ideations and a sense of despare. So they did have a *good* reason for taking action.

I had to explain that what I write is my own release. If I write my feelings down, I feel a bit of relief and freedom from them, as they are on paper and static instead of in my head and living. I did not intend to have an audience, tho I may at some point put a collection together.

They were rightfully scared, as I make it a point not to censor myself and let the worst come out. They do not understand that if I were not writting about it I would be obsessing about it which is what has led to walking to the edge of life previously. As for my co-workers, they have been noticing a decline and spoke up becasue they do care about me. They say I am part of the "family" and they just want me to feel better, and be happy.

I am still feeling down, and am in need of a med adjustment. They are giving me the time and space I need now, and no longer pushing. I also think they got that they realy do not understand what I face each day.

[grizmom]

Well, with the urging of family and a change in my insurance it looks like I can see my old psychologist. I have called his office, and am waiting to have return call.

I am so happy for you! I hope he calls soon

[phlashback]

I have an appt for Thursday next week. I am happy that I can see someone whom I already trust, and who already knows a bit about my story.

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by phlashback

I have an appt for Thursday next week. I am happy that I can see someone whom I already trust, and who already knows a bit about my story.

Awesome! That should help you get through some of this. I'm glad you had some good news; it's a nice change of pace!