[The Crazy Rambler]

I am glad to have found this site. I have been on several others, but there was hardly any traffic going on. I hope to be able to connect this time. I have BP II and my experiences are very different from those with BP I. I have read a number of books (only found books written by BP I's), but have not found one that I could really relate to.

In Spring 2006 I arrived in the States after many years of voluntary social work in Ukraine, I was diagnosed with a severe burn-out. I was blessed with a counselor who was willing to help me for free, since I didn't have a cent to my name.
It was bad... I was so, so, so tired. When I finally had pulled myself out of bed, I watched some tv, but I never could follow the story line, I had so little concentration. I would fall asleep while still being very aware of my thoughts which were going all over the place. Trying to wake up was near to impossible, my body felt like lead. I couldn't move, even when I tried with all my will power. It was sometimes pretty scary...

In the meantime we (my counselor and I) were trying to work on some issues, but I was emotionally continually all over the place. My GP had prescribed anti-depressants, but they didn't seem to work. I also felt different, had no idea what was going on. (Later I realised it was a prolonged mixed state)I had also ended up being severely suicidal, even before coming to the States. In actual fact, it was a miracle I had arrived there, since I had very detailed plans before ever leaving the Ukraine. I never intended to leave there really.

In mid-December my GP (who had been pushing me to see a pdoc, which I resisted) decided to add another anti-depressant. Everything went totally haywire, my thoughts were driving me totally crazy. Absolutely no rest for the wicked! I even went to the psych hospital, I so badly wanted to get some rest in my head, but there they decided I was not suicidal enough! Yeah, right! I tapered myself off of the second anti-depressant and immediately things were lightening up a bit. But I was convinced enough that I needed to see a pdoc. My counselor arranged a speedy appointment, so early January 2007 I saw my first pdoc and got my diagnosis.

Once I realised that the suicidal thoughts were part of the illness and not part of who I am, I distanced myself from these thoughts. I decided not to entertain those thoughts anymore. Of course these thoughts still pop up every now and then, and sometimes it is very enticing, but I am able to let it go, thankfully. Also in due time I came to realise that it was not so much that I wanted to die, but that during those times the pain became too much to handle. Being on meds helped deal with this issue a lot better. I have not been so severely suicidal anymore, thank God!

What really stinks, though, is that before I got in that terrible state of being severely burned-out and suicidal, my moods would last for months and sometimes a couple of years at the time. While now I have become a rapid cycler. Beginning of April I became hypomanic, then I entered a mixed state and now I am getting depressed. It probably doesn't help that I am still dealing with some major traumas, either...
Has anyone else had the same experience in becoming a rapid cycler later?

Since July 2009 I am back in my home country the Netherlands. I intended on staying in the States, but something went amiss with the paperwork and I had to return unexpectedly. It's a whole story in itself, pretty traumatic. Anyways.

Now I am waiting for my own place to live. It's very hard to find a place. My circumstances are far from ideal. I am living with a family from my church right now till the end of this month. The situation is very unstable which of course is partly triggering all these stupid episodes!

My sleeping has been a problem. In the States I used Ambien CR 12,5 mg which worked wonders for me. But we don't have the CR here, grrrr! So since being back in the Netherlands I have been on many different sleeping aids, but found none that really works for me. This is very aggravating!

Also, the last time I used Seroquel for my hypomania I suffered so many of the side effects, apart from being zombi-like for several days when I start taking it, that I am done with it. My pdoc suggests Abilify. Anyone experience with that?

Another major problem for me is the terrible weight gain because of the meds. Honestly, some people here in the Netherlands didn't even recognize me, I tell you! It is so mortifying... I am already very self aware where my body is concerned, so this is a major issue for me. How do others deal with this?

Well, I'll stop rambling.

The Crazy Rambler

[leah0306]

Originally Posted by The Crazy Rambler

I am glad to have found this site. I have been on several others, but there was hardly any traffic going on. I hope to be able to connect this time. I have BP II and my experiences are very different from those with BP I. I have read a number of books (only found books written by BP I's), but have not found one that I could really relate to.

In Spring 2006 I arrived in the States after many years of voluntary social work in Ukraine, I was diagnosed with a severe burn-out. I was blessed with a counselor who was willing to help me for free, since I didn't have a cent to my name.
It was bad... I was so, so, so tired. When I finally had pulled myself out of bed, I watched some tv, but I never could follow the story line, I had so little concentration. I would fall asleep while still being very aware of my thoughts which were going all over the place. Trying to wake up was near to impossible, my body felt like lead. I couldn't move, even when I tried with all my will power. It was sometimes pretty scary...

In the meantime we (my counselor and I) were trying to work on some issues, but I was emotionally continually all over the place. My GP had prescribed anti-depressants, but they didn't seem to work. I also felt different, had no idea what was going on. (Later I realised it was a prolonged mixed state)I had also ended up being severely suicidal, even before coming to the States. In actual fact, it was a miracle I had arrived there, since I had very detailed plans before ever leaving the Ukraine. I never intended to leave there really.

In mid-December my GP (who had been pushing me to see a pdoc, which I resisted) decided to add another anti-depressant. Everything went totally haywire, my thoughts were driving me totally crazy. Absolutely no rest for the wicked! I even went to the psych hospital, I so badly wanted to get some rest in my head, but there they decided I was not suicidal enough! Yeah, right! I tapered myself off of the second anti-depressant and immediately things were lightening up a bit. But I was convinced enough that I needed to see a pdoc. My counselor arranged a speedy appointment, so early January 2007 I saw my first pdoc and got my diagnosis.

Once I realised that the suicidal thoughts were part of the illness and not part of who I am, I distanced myself from these thoughts. I decided not to entertain those thoughts anymore. Of course these thoughts still pop up every now and then, and sometimes it is very enticing, but I am able to let it go, thankfully. Also in due time I came to realise that it was not so much that I wanted to die, but that during those times the pain became too much to handle. Being on meds helped deal with this issue a lot better. I have not been so severely suicidal anymore, thank God!

What really stinks, though, is that before I got in that terrible state of being severely burned-out and suicidal, my moods would last for months and sometimes a couple of years at the time. While now I have become a rapid cycler. Beginning of April I became hypomanic, then I entered a mixed state and now I am getting depressed. It probably doesn't help that I am still dealing with some major traumas, either...
Has anyone else had the same experience in becoming a rapid cycler later?

Since July 2009 I am back in my home country the Netherlands. I intended on staying in the States, but something went amiss with the paperwork and I had to return unexpectedly. It's a whole story in itself, pretty traumatic. Anyways.

Now I am waiting for my own place to live. It's very hard to find a place. My circumstances are far from ideal. I am living with a family from my church right now till the end of this month. The situation is very unstable which of course is partly triggering all these stupid episodes!

My sleeping has been a problem. In the States I used Ambien CR 12,5 mg which worked wonders for me. But we don't have the CR here, grrrr! So since being back in the Netherlands I have been on many different sleeping aids, but found none that really works for me. This is very aggravating!

Also, the last time I used Seroquel for my hypomania I suffered so many of the side effects, apart from being zombi-like for several days when I start taking it, that I am done with it. My pdoc suggests Abilify. Anyone experience with that?

Another major problem for me is the terrible weight gain because of the meds. Honestly, some people here in the Netherlands didn't even recognize me, I tell you! It is so mortifying... I am already very self aware where my body is concerned, so this is a major issue for me. How do others deal with this?

Well, I'll stop rambling.

The Crazy Rambler

hi, welcome, i do hope your circumstances improve, and the sleeping gets better!! Everything is worse when going without sleep. i too have been rapid-cycling when i was mostly depressed or manic for years, its tough. maybe you could benefit from a mood stabilizer? anti-depressants are great, for some people they are enough, but many need something to regulate our moods, maybe when you see the pdr. you could mention this??? just my opiniion, im no doctor! i look foward to reading our posts, take care

[The Crazy Rambler]

Hi Leah!

Thanks for responding, I like that!

Yeah, I am on a mood stabilisor. I take Depakote 2000 mg (yep, it's a high dose...) and Efexor 300 mg and a sleeping aid. I have to have my blood work done, but it is a fast draw and for me not to eat after 10 pm is a challenge with the pressure I am under right now. I do suffer from an eating disorder as well as a reaction to abuse traumas as a child. So much to work on! Never thought I would be in counseling for years when I started...
What meds do you take? Did your rapid cycling stop?
It will be nice to get to know you and share messages!
take care

The Crazy Rambler

[grizmom]

I can relate to a lot of what you've posted; I'd give more detail but I'm kind of in a weird state of mind today so my concentration is bad...but I did want to say and that I've met a lot of supportive and kind people here!!

[The Crazy Rambler]

Thanks Grizmom! I love your cat-pic with comment !

Sorry you're not feeling well. Looking forward to hear your story once you are doing better!

Take care of yourself!



The Crazy Rambler

[Typo]

(((((((((((Crazy Rambler)))))))))))

Welcome to PC and the bipolar forum, I hope you are able to find the answers you are seeking, and PC is a wonderful place to explore and grow.

As for the rapid cycling, I find the more stressed I am and the more I work on traumas in therapy the more whacky my moods get, that I'll start rapid cycling, and extremly fast at times.

Stress is a HUGE trigger for us with bipolar disorder, so it's good to have saftey mesuarse in place when doing truama work, maybe discuss with T good self care on days when rapid cycling

I"m a bit light headed at the moment, just wanted to send my best wishes and welcome you to PC

Peace and Serenity
Typo

[The Crazy Rambler]

Hi Typo,

Thanks for writing! I appreciate it!

Yeah, my T talks about self-care. Not something I am good at, no surprise... I think? I don't know if it is trait of BP's or if it is because of past trauma. In any case, it is hard for me. No, to be honest, more than hard. I don't really know how to do that. I guess you need to feel worthy enough to take care of in the firstplace and right now I am struggling with that (again!). I can know all sorts of things in my head, but my emotions don't grasp it at all. And because of my BP they go haywire too easily.

Stress indeed. I am more or less homeless... I don't have my own place to live and it is hard to find something within my price range. Since I can't work I receive support from the government, which in itself is something I am grateful for. In he US I had to do without income for a while. But I need cheap housing, which means social housing which means rules... and I don't fit in the urgent category as such. So I am praying for a miracle.

Well, I am hoping that a day will come when my BP is not taking over my life and I am able to have some form of normal life again. So far I have been out of the work force and so called normal life for over 4 years and I don't see an end yet. There are still traumas to work on and to get out of the way. I thought I was further than I seem to be, noticing my response to one of the forums on here. I was so sad and severely disappointed. Oh well.

Sorry for rambling. The one thing I am good at it seems.

The Crazy Rambler