[meApe]

The trigger icon is up so please consider your self warned.

As most of you know I'm still getting fine tuned in with the meds. Sunday I started coming up and up and up. I was going nuts fully wired happy and bouncing off the walls. Monday was no different, a couple of coworkers thought I was taking something. My support told me that I needed to keep breathing and to try and calm down. Last night I had some paranoia, and my wife and I had a small tiff, but we worked at after an hour of sitting in silence. Today I was feeling back on top. There was nothing I couldn't handle which was really really good, after being down for so long coming up feels great. BTW yesterday was my first appt. with the new T, she seems nice but she listens. Haven't had a T do that.

So today I was at work got a million things going and I'm tackling them all with vigor. Suddenly the network goes down, I'm telling a couple hundred people that they can't take final exams now, because of server issues. There were literally two dozen people asking me for help, so they could tell thirty to forty people each what was going on. However I took it all with smile and talked people through things and I was getting servers back on line, then...

My mom calls, grandma is in the hospital. They don't think she will live to see the weekend. He lung capacity is dropping really really fast. I sit down and start crying while talking to mom, who is also crying. Mom said that she loved me. It was the first time I had heard that since middle school. Now all the pain seems to have come back. I don't want to die, and I'm not looking at drastic measures or anything like that. I just want to get so drunk that I can't feel anymore. I want to be numb and a good life forgetting for a while numb. At the very least I want to cut away some pain.

[Dave255]

It is good that you were able to handle stresses very well despite your shifting moods.

It is always hard when loved ones are dying, whether they have a mental condition or not. You are full of pain and it will take time for body to deal with it, as time goes by you will slowly feel better.

I can understand why you would want to drawn it out with drinking. If I have a very upsetting situation I am very tempted to take lots of caffeine and junk food. That can numb out my feeling for a short while, it won't make it disappear, I will still have to deal with them.

Alcohol can screw mental illnesses and make you feel worse. For me it always makes me depressed the next few days. I worry it could end up making you feel worse.

[Eloise42]

I grieved the "wrong way" over a broken heart and because i just went into massive denial I was haunted for years.

And then when my grandma got sick, which broke my heart, and I got through it by breaking the whole big sadness into smaller pieces. Whenever I was sad I cried. I would get in my car or in the bathroom at work and just lose it for five to ten minutes over the realization that we would never finish a project we started together. And then I wasn't sad about that one thing anymore. Then I would realize another thing I was losing and just feel it. Until that thought didn't hurt as much anymore either.

And that worked for me. I was able to pretty much keep functioning as long as I took a time-out every time I was sad. When we were both overwhelmed my little sister and I would get in my truck and listen to the song "Feelin Good" by Nina Simone. Sometimes we put it on repeat. For whatever reason it helped. It was our place where we could go and then feel better.