[ceje]

I am really trying to be supportive with my husband, but he is going crazy. We've been doing good, I've given him space I've walked on egg shells I don't know what to do. He got up was fine I said something that had nothing to do with him and he blew. He said he hated me that I was controlling him (which is impossible) and I was just waiting to commit him. He's demanding a divorce which I admantly refuse. He won't accept help and he's starting to make me think I'm crazy. I don't know what to do. Last time I wouldn't let him come home till he promised to get help and he pretended he would. What do I do?

[lynn P.]

Is it your husband who's bipolar? Is he on medication? Has he tried medication and if so - was he better then? I hope when he calms down you can get him to visit his doctor. You're a good person for sticking with him.

[ceje]

Yes he's bipolar amongst other health issues. And he won't take any of his medications for any of his health issues. I'm sure in the morning he'll be a different person again. But he's getting out of hand.

[musikcrazy]

It is hard to get people to take their meds. For some it means accepting that they have Bipolar Disorder, which in this case it sounds like maybe he is having a hard time accepting it. Have you tried offering to go with him to counseling?

[ceje]

Not only have I offered couples and family I begged to go myself. We only have one vehicle and I have to get permission to use it or else he gets weird. He has something else wrong and he says it makes him less of a man. He won't go to the t so I am not 100% sure its bipolar. His doc referred him cause he believes that's the issue. But he refuses to go cause "he isn't crazy". He is mentally abusive and does have violent episodes. I'm beginning to wonder if he's not just abusive cause he hides his feelings when he's outside the house and from what I read it should affect him everywhere right?

[Eloise42]

Bipolar mood swings can affect us anywhere but I am personally more likely to exhibit extreme behavior in places where I feel safe. If I'm manic I feel entitled to act how i want in places that are "mine" and if I'm depressed I want to be at home and miserable there.

When i was a teenager I fought endlessly with my mother and I think it's because I knew she would love me no matter how horrible I was. And also I was irrationally mad at her because I was hurting and confused and she couldn't fix it.

In addition to everything else he is isolating you, the car thing is really controlling behavior. I think this is one of those times when you list what you CAN do, like protect yourself. And what is not in your control, like getting him to take his meds.

Even if he was making healthy decisions for himself the most helpful thing you could do is take care of yourself first.

[Tatyana2009]

By the sound of it, bipolar or not, he is abusive.

Please read these books - it will help so much in understanding whats going on: 'Why does he do that' and 'the verbally abusive relationship'.

The car thing - is so familiar to me. When my ex reached the peak of his abuse (just before i left) he did not let me use the car. One day he even told me that he has checked the miles on the car before I took it and after I came back and it shows I ve gone 60 miles where I said I ve gone 6. I was so shocked and worried at that point. I have never lied to him before and indeed went 3 miles to the station that night and 3 miles back to the house to drive a friend of mine. He claimed I lied and drove her to the airport. Its this sort of abusive behaviour that makes you feel angry, sad, hurt, confused, and like there is no way of dealing with it.... He used to take the car and when I needed it there was no petrol in it. He used to say that I lied when I said I put petrol in it. I think he is a sick man. And its this sort of things that make me hate him and never want to see him again.

He was name calling, discounting and undermining. There were episodes of loveliness between us but I think its important to remember that they only serve as a build up and part of the cycle of abuse.

Before I left he also said he wants us to split up. 2 days later he said he never said that and that I am inventing this.

Please please look after yourself and take care of yourself. Join a support group and talk to a T. I am here for you if you want to talk more xx

[Eloise42]

Originally Posted by Tatyana2009

By the sound of it, bipolar or not, he is abusive.

Please read these books - it will help so much in understanding whats going on: 'Why does he do that' and 'the verbally abusive relationship'.

The car thing - is so familiar to me. When my ex reached the peak of his abuse (just before i left) he did not let me use the car. One day he even told me that he has checked the miles on the car before I took it and after I came back and it shows I ve gone 60 miles where I said I ve gone 6. I was so shocked and worried at that point. I have never lied to him before and indeed went 3 miles to the station that night and 3 miles back to the house to drive a friend of mine. He claimed I lied and drove her to the airport. Its this sort of abusive behaviour that makes you feel angry, sad, hurt, confused, and like there is no way of dealing with it.... He used to take the car and when I needed it there was no petrol in it. He used to say that I lied when I said I put petrol in it. I think he is a sick man. And its this sort of things that make me hate him and never want to see him again.

He was name calling, discounting and undermining. There were episodes of loveliness between us but I think its important to remember that they only serve as a build up and part of the cycle of abuse.

Before I left he also said he wants us to split up. 2 days later he said he never said that and that I am inventing this.

Please please look after yourself and take care of yourself. Join a support group and talk to a T. I am here for you if you want to talk more xx

I had a wonderful partner who became abusive. I think it was a combination of unchecked PTSD and drug abuse. The worst part is when you subscribe to their reality and believe their idea of your options. I really agree with what you've said.

[ceje]

He's back for now. And is acting like nothing happened except for a few minutes of telling me why its my fault he explodes. Bs. I told him either go to the dr or I won't have any option but to take the kids and leave till he gets help. I don't know what else to do. I have tried to be supportive but its hurting not just me but the kids to live like this. He never does anything to them but they watch him do it to me and now our oldest is starting to be disrespectful to me. How did it get this bad the last 2 yrs have been horrible. And now I'm left trying to decide whether getting him help and staying or leaving him so the kids have a happier life. And can they when they worship their father they're going to hate me. I am starting to get depressed over everything.

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by ceje

He's back for now. And is acting like nothing happened except for a few minutes of telling me why its my fault he explodes. Bs. I told him either go to the dr or I won't have any option but to take the kids and leave till he gets help. I don't know what else to do. I have tried to be supportive but its hurting not just me but the kids to live like this. He never does anything to them but they watch him do it to me and now our oldest is starting to be disrespectful to me. How did it get this bad the last 2 yrs have been horrible. And now I'm left trying to decide whether getting him help and staying or leaving him so the kids have a happier life. And can they when they worship their father they're going to hate me. I am starting to get depressed over everything.

My opinion...I think that leaving and getting yourself and your kids into therapy is the best option at this point. It is definitely not good for them to worship someone who is abusive. The worst thing would be for them to grow up and then treat their spouses that way. You need to take care of yourself and your kids first...he needs to worry about himself if he is unwilling to seek treatment for his problems. No one is expected to be supportive of someone who won't even try to get help. Best of luck to you and yours!

[Tatyana2009]

Quite simply - your oldest will respect you again if you leave.

If you stay - your oldest will continue to identify (unhealthily) with your husband and you will loose your children as well. Its a sad thing. But you can do something about it!!

Please do it now before you get even more depressed. I know how you feel - I ve been there. My ex's kid started to abuse me and disrespect me when she saw how he is behaving. Now that I ve left - they all have respect for me because they know I have my limits and I look after myself - no matter how much I love him.

You will teach your kids an important lesson in self love and relationships. No one should endure this!!

The bad news is that abuse only gets worse with time. Today he calls you names and says you are a liar, tomorrow he ignores you, the next day he calls you crazy, the next day he calls you pathetic and hits you. Please dont wait for it to escalate.

If you love yourself and your kids - go. And this is the only way he will seek help. If there is a way... You have tried everything else and been so understanding. Its time to protect yourself and your kids from further harm. I am thinking about you.

There are huge sections about kids of abusive relationships and what it means, in the book 'Why does he do that - inside the mind of the abusive man'.

I wish you well and the courage to do the right thing by yourself and your children xxx

[Eloise42]

I think you should get yourself and your kids out of this situation. You asked for something reasonable, that he pursue treatment and you know that this cycle is going to come around again if he doesn't.

In the big picture children need to see their parents making healthy decisions for themselves. Right now they have a front row seat to the decisions he is making and you have an opportunity to model the kind of choice you would want them to make for themselves if they were in your situation.

Kids can find fault in ANYTHING you do, then they can use it to hurt you because it's just what they do. It's how they test boundaries and how they figure out the world. But if one of them was in your relationship you would want them to be safe.

It really sounds like right now they only have one parent who can consistently protect them and they need to be protected.

[Yoda]

Being bipolar does not make abuse acceptable. You cannot fix him and at the present moment it doesn't sound like he is interested in seeking help/changing. If you leave him you can always come back AFTER he gets help and shows you he is changed. Do you have a support system, friends, family nearby?

[ceje]

We went to his appt huge frustrating disappointment. They wouldn't see him without a caseworker referral and an obscene amount of money upfront and they're the only ones within 72 miles (we looked it up). I don't know what we're going to do. There is no one except his enabling mother near by.

[Eloise42]

I was twenty-two when I was diagnosed, I got out of the hospital and moved in with a four-month-old baby. I took responsibility for my treatment, even when it was hard, because I wanted to be able to be around the baby and not jeopardize her safety or happiness in any way.

Your husband is an adult, he doesn't need you the way your children need you.

I agree that being bipolar is not an excuse for being abusive. You shouldn't blame yourself, you are not responsible for his problems. You are responsible for you and for your kids.