[sugahorse1]

I'm not sure how typical this is for bipolar (I'm still newly dx, and even now I think my doc is on the fence regarding the dx)

I spend most of my life depressed. I then have a few days where I'm numb, then maybe "normal" and then I start getting terribly aggressive. I snap at everyone, including my bf of 4 years I live with, my work colleagues... ANYONE.

I feel I can take on the world, any project, any problem - I WILL get to the bottom of it. But this confidence becomes aggression pretty quickly, which leads to a horrible cycle of me feeling bad about my actions and pretty soon I land up in depression again.

Right now I am INCREDIBLY snappy! And am beginning to hate myself

[VickiesPath]

I'm not a mental health professional but that sure sounds like Bipolar II. The major symptom is depression with a little hypomania thrown in. It could also be simple depression with some irritability. But I never get very happy when I'm in my hypomanic state, just grumpy. But a mood stabilizer helped me tremendously to calm down those grumps! The "take on the world" sounds a lot like hypomania, too.

[sugahorse1]

Vickie - I take a moodstabliser - Epilim - but have only been on it for about 1 month now.

Right now I can feel my whole world crashing underneath me - I feel terrible...

[grizmom]

When I get hypomanic I start out happy with lots of energy and plans and then I switch over to b-witch mode. Would it be possible to call your pdoc to see about getting your meds adjusted? You might not need to change to something new, the pdoc might just want to tweak the meds you're already taking.

[allme]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

I'm not sure how typical this is for bipolar (I'm still newly dx, and even now I think my doc is on the fence regarding the dx)

I spend most of my life depressed. I then have a few days where I'm numb, then maybe "normal" and then I start getting terribly aggressive. I snap at everyone, including my bf of 4 years I live with, my work colleagues... ANYONE.

I feel I can take on the world, any project, any problem - I WILL get to the bottom of it. But this confidence becomes aggression pretty quickly, which leads to a horrible cycle of me feeling bad about my actions and pretty soon I land up in depression again.

Right now I am INCREDIBLY snappy! And am beginning to hate myself

Hey

Yes I can relate but like the others I aint no doc lol

I too get aggresive ... its like, it all gets too much, just cant keep up, get irritable and then angry with ppl because they seem so slow and I cant actually do all the things I thought I could... SCRAMBLED EGGS come to mind....

Yes I too at times hate myself... I mean detest myself to the point my own voice makes me feel sick..... at times like that.... try to make a list of your good points and challenge your thinking... why do you hate yourself? Ok, so if you have a list of why you hate yourself... challenge those thoughts.... go easy on yourself as you would a friend.. be kind to yourself... OH yes I know... how easy it is for me to write this right now... I know its BLOODY HARD WORK hating yourself... but just try and remind yourself of the good in you... because there is good in you... you just cant see it right now.... poke your head out of the mist... reach inside and hug yourself... YOU ARE WORTHY of love, deserve love.... love yourself... challenge that hate.... challenge your thoughts, try to think in alternative ways.. even if you dont believe them... just ask yourself the question...

Ok I am waffling... LOL am a bit blaaaah I know but I hope you can make some sense from my wafffffle

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

Vickie - I take a moodstabliser - Epilim - but have only been on it for about 1 month now.

Right now I can feel my whole world crashing underneath me - I feel terrible...

I've never heard of that mood stabilizer. In fact, WebMD's drug section has never heard of it before. Are you sure that's how it's spelled?


Also remember....this is not you. This is an illness. You are not your illness. You HAVE an illness. You are still wonderful you.

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by VickiesPath

I've never heard of that mood stabilizer. In fact, WebMD's drug section has never heard of it before. Are you sure that's how it's spelled?


Also remember....this is not you. This is an illness. You are not your illness. You HAVE an illness. You are still wonderful you.

It's sodium valproate... http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/100000936.html

[meApe]

Also remember....this is not you. This is an illness. You are not your illness. You HAVE an illness. You are still wonderful you.

I'm not being sarcastic

When I see stuff like that, I get touched that someone understands.

People see what you do and not who you are. I know who I am. When I do things that aren't me, thats when I hate me the most.

[Eloise42]

I can relate to every word. Before I was medicated my mania usually took the form of private art project marathons but sometimes I got so mad at people I would have black-out rage. I just remember feeling totally justified in screaming at whoever had ticked me off.

Finding the right medication is like going on the rides at an amusement park. Some of the rides turn out to be horrible but when you find the right medication it does get better. Sleep and routine also help a lot.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks everyone! Grizmom - yes, that's it. I usually just enter a drug I don't know into google and it'll ususally come up with the active ingredient. That's the irritation living in South Africa - most meds I have never heard of, or others have never of what I'm on.

Vickie - thanks for that, it was really special!

I take the sodium valporate at night; strength is 200 (I think it's mg) and only been on it for a little over a month.
Been on anti-dep's for just over a year - initially it was citalopram, but I didn't get on too well with the side effects. I was up to 20mg/day.
Now I take Edronax (Reboxetine) which is only 4mg/day. I'm just not sure if it really is helping, except I'm glad I haven't had any side effects - how would I really know if it was effective? I used to be on both citalopram and reboxetine, so now I'm on a VERY low dose.
Then I take Benzo (alprazolam) as and when I need, up to 1.5mg/day

Yesterday I woke up VERY aggressive, I know I mostly out of line. Then in the late afternoon I felt myself crashing and by the time I got home I had a beer and a glass of wine, which helped take the edge off me. I've also noticed that I tend to be a lot more relaxed at home, as opposed to being at work.

How often would you phone your p-doc while trying to get the meds cocktail right? I thought I was doing OK, and I saw my new p-doc twice, as well as had plenty of chats over the phone. Now she's given me a repeat script because I thought I was OK with the meds we worked out, and wanted to try them for a longer while. But on second thoughts, I'm just not sure anymore...?

When going through these "mania" phases - which only tend to last about 1 day, I also drive like a maniac, and play my music really loud.

My sleep is a disaster, usually too much, but I dream a whole lot, and wake up still exhausted. I hold down a 8-5 job, so sleeping 12 hours on a Friday/Saturday is crazy.

[VickiesPath]

In the states, it's called Depakote. Minimum dosage is 500 mg which is below a therapeutic dose. I take 500 because I also take another mood stabilizer along with it. Usual dosage for the average person here is 1000-3000mg if it is taken alone.

Remember, if you take an SSRI without enough mood stabilizer to counter it, it will aggravate your mania or hypomania. I did that for years while misdiagnosed. That requires more and more benzo's to calm you. Get enough mood stabilizer into you so you don't have that problem. The SSRI's work well for the depression but can wreak havoc on your mania. It can become a viscious cycle.

I take Depakote and Topamax for hypomania, Effexor ER and Abilify for depression, and Diazapam prn for anxiety, as I also have PTSD. The Topamax has a cognative dulling effect so I keep the dosage as low as possible (I'm dull enough without it!).

[sugahorse1]

so 20mg hardly counts as a dosage..
I'm not on an SSRI, I think reboxetine is a NARI. I tried SSRI's (escitalopram and citalopram) but the side effects were a little too hectic. I think I need to up my dosage on everything, cos on these low dosages I might as well not use anything...

[VickiesPath]

I'm sure I don't need to say this but I'm gonna anyway. Please be sure to use the guidance of a qualified psychiatrist when making med changes. Sometimes we don't always agree with them but they do have more training than we do. I'm a little puzzled as to why you are on such a low dose to begin with. But no explanation needed. Just wanted to be sure you are working with a pdoc.

[sugahorse1]

Hey Vickie - what drug do u think I'm on a low dose of? Yes, I am working with a p-doc. I speak to or see her about once a week

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

How often would you phone your p-doc while trying to get the meds cocktail right? I thought I was doing OK, and I saw my new p-doc twice, as well as had plenty of chats over the phone. Now she's given me a repeat script because I thought I was OK with the meds we worked out, and wanted to try them for a longer while. But on second thoughts, I'm just not sure anymore...?

When going through these "mania" phases - which only tend to last about 1 day, I also drive like a maniac, and play my music really loud.

My sleep is a disaster, usually too much, but I dream a whole lot, and wake up still exhausted. I hold down a 8-5 job, so sleeping 12 hours on a Friday/Saturday is crazy.

Unfortunately, for some people it can take a long time of trying new meds to get the right combination...some are lucky to get a good combo quickly; for me it took about 18 years after I was diagnosed (I don't think it generally takes that long, but for me it was the newer drug Lamictal that did the trick). Have you been tracking your moods and anxiety? I've found that helps a lot. Don't be afraid to call your doc as many times as you need to...that is what they are there for!!

[VickiesPath]

I wouldn't be so bold to offer an opinion, suga, as we have totally different drugs at totally different doses here. It also depends on whether you are bipolar I or II, with or without psychosis primarily. That's why the pdoc is so important. Only, remember that all pdocs are not created equal. If you know someone locally who you feel is succeeding in treatment, I would consult with them regarding who is a truly well-schooled pdoc. Also, on a personal note, I would also never be so bold as to recommend medicine changes to someone as I am not a professional. I only give opinions in general based upon my experience, which is limited. I'm not trying to flake out on you, I just want the best care for you. K?

[sugahorse1]

Vickie - I never take your advice as offensive or negatively - I appreciate it.
I assume I'm BP I, as I only experience hypomania, never mania. I am a very analytical person and have to reason with myself in everything I do.

I know Welbutrin was the next anti-dep we were going to try, and with regards to a mood stabiliser, we were going to try Lamictal next. Not sure why my doc first put me on Sodium Valporate.

I do find myself being a whole lot more emotional at the moment, regardless of if I'm in a mixed, hypomaniac or depressive phase. I cry at sad movies, feel much more touched when listening to certain music... I never used to be like this.

My p-doc has also increased the dosage of my anti-anxiety meds, which I take as required.

I don't know if I experience psychosis. As mentioned on another thread (I think) I was first diagnosed as major depressive episode with psychosis (A different p-doc) I don't know what made him deduce psychosis...?

My memory is shocking, and I usually just go through my work with a "I couldn't care less" attitude.

[Trippin2.0]

I havn't been diagnosed with anything, but i sure can relate to u guys...i'm happy "high" on buzz most times. and then all of a sudden i crash. I act hostile 2ward anybody and feels so embarrassed and sikc and tired of having to go back later to apologize... people think i'm melodramatic, but i don't know how to experience anything in moderation. it's all or nothing, i've never had a choice in the matter. when i'm angry i kud kill sum1, wen i'm sad i wanna kill myself, when i hurt, it gets so bad sumtyms i cut myself, thankfully i havn't cut in months! I don't wanna do that ever again. How do u explain cuts on your arm to the world without being judged? Sometimes i'm so emotionally overwhelmed i hava panic attack...I'm so tired of trying to make other people understand me, and so verry tired of feeling alienated and alone. it's nice to know that in the bigger scheme of things, it appears that i am not...

[kadesgirl09]

((((trippin)))) your not alone... maybe you should find a doctor that can properly diagnose you and get you the help you deserve.

sugahorse: I hope they find a good stable combination that works well with you! Hang in there!!

[justme1981]

this actually sounds a lot like me and even though i am on meds, it's still really hard to deal with

[Trippin2.0]

[quote=kadesgirl09;1366946]((((trippin)))) your not alone... maybe you should find a doctor that can properly diagnose you and get you the help you deserve.

kadesgirl09; I'm in the process of finding help, because to tell u the truth, i'm not jis scaring my daughter with my "drama" i'm scaring me too... problem is, I have to do it "on the down-low" becoz my mom thinks BPD is an excuse to behave the way I do.So she does not support me seeking help at all, geez talk about isolation!!!

Thanks for the tip tho, it's nice to hear "seek help" instead of "ur looking for attention"

[sugahorse1]

Busy working with a pdoc to get meds sorted, espec as the mood stabiliser is still fairly new, having only started it about 2 months ago.
Busy coming to the end of Mania cycle, and entering a mixed episode. So feeling a little strange right now...

[sugahorse1]

I think my last "happy" episode was more of a manic phase than I've ever experienced. I really felt much more on top of the world, my walk changed, my attitude changed and I needed much less sleep. but now this mixed episode is draining me. I am feeling a bit of a mess